Doors

Have you ever walked through an open door that was supposed to be locked? I remember this one time I was closing down the kitchen and the door was accidentally left open for too long. Someone walked in to get food and every eye turned to him. He started walking very cautiously all of a sudden, questioning if he should be there or not. Most everything was already taken off the lines by the time he made his way into the dining area. This guy had paid full price to eat and had very little to chose from. A few of the cooks saw this and instead of throwing away the food they had left like they had every right to, they waited so that the guy could get something to eat. The thing was though, was that he knew when the place closed and decided to test his luck anyway. This time around he was able to get food, but I've seen people get turned away empty handed plenty of times.

I feel like I've kind of been in that scenario in life recently. Doors that should have been locked, opened all of a sudden. There's that saying about open doors leading to the right path and all that, but sometimes I feel like those locked doors have something to offer as well. Like that kid, I walked into this particular door knowing that it was supposed to be closed and decided to test my luck anyways. Once I got inside, I got what I came for...but not all of it. When I entered the door it was wonderful! It was everything I had dreamed it would be and more. Why hadn't I tried to open this door before? But it hit me all of a sudden that I only got a taste of everything it had to offer and it left me wanting more. I've been trying to re-enter that door ever since it was left open to see if I can experience more of what I've been missing, but I keep finding that it's always closing time. I keep getting a taste of the real thing, but I keep walking away discouraged. I'm left to wonder if my decision to open a door that should have been locked was the right thing to do? I paid a price to get in, but was it worth it? I knew walking in that I might not get everything I wanted, but I was so hungry for it that it honestly didn't matter.

I think I'm learning the hard way that doors open and close for a reason. No one ever told me about the doors that accidentally got left open. Over the years I've seen the dining doors get left open many times. And every time it's a different outcome. Sometimes a student will walk away empty handed, left wondering why he even entered the door at all, and other times they walk away with whatever we have left to offer. But the look they have on their faces is always the same. Why did I pay full price for this? I never feel bad for the students with that look on their face, because they could have easily entered the dining center 10 minutes prior when it was actually open and gotten to experience everything. So why should I feel discouraged when I walk into a door I know was supposed to be closed and walk away with less than I desired? I knew what I was walking into.

I'm learning that entering those accidental doors is basically the same thing as breaking into a locked one. The doors in life that are open are open for a reason. I didn't walk away completely empty handed when I walked into the wrong door. I've learned some valuable lessons every time I've entered those doors. But it's occurred to me that when I open the right doors, I don't struggle as much. Things just kind of fall into place. It's interesting to me how that works. But I think it speaks to how much I'm always trying to control what happens in my own life instead of sitting back for a minute and waiting for the closed sign to flicker "open".

Let's talk about suicide

September is suicide prevention month. This topic has always been near to my heart so I'm gonna take this opportunity to speak my mind. Suicide is a serious topic that lot of people are uncomfortable talking about. It's understandable to be uncomfortable about something so deep and powerful. How do you talk to someone who wants to end their life? It's terrifying to think that you could be the person to change someones mind or show them the light. That's a lot of responsibility to hold. Throughout my life I've been in multiple conversations that involved a friend or friend of a friend needing help. And every time I pawned it off to an adult that I thought could help....well now I'm the adult and I have potential to be that person that I would have gone to as a kid. Am I gonna know what to do if I'm ever in that situation? I'd like to think I will because as a kid, I was also questioning my own life. I went and got the help I needed, and now I would never hesitate to ask someone if they are ok. That simple question could be life or death for that person...literally.

For the majority of my life I struggled with depression. By the time junior high rolled around the depression was just a constant cloud that followed me every day. I was visibly unhappy, although I tried to fake a good smile. I just couldn't find any joy in life. I tried my hardest to stay happy after my friends went home, but at night the only thing I could think about was a different life. I didn't like the one I was in. I just felt stuck. These feelings followed me into high school which is absolutely the last place those feelings should be. High school means new cliques, new experiences, and hormones. All of those things overwhelmed me. Those feelings of not liking the life I was in quickly grew to not wanting to be alive, I couldn't get away from those thoughts. I spent hours and hours online looking up ways to kill myself and wrote a new suicide note every night. I never had the courage to do anything permanent thank God, but there were nights that I came close. I would hear about kids I knew who had gone through with it and I was actually jealous of them. Nothing I did stopped these thoughts. Nothing. The depression was unbearable I eventually got so desperate that I told someone about how I was feeling and immediately got surrounded by love. That person stuck his neck out for me and took an interest. He reached out to my family and made my mom aware of how I was feeling. From there I started a long journey of discovering a life without depression.

What I've learned throughout the years of battling depression is this: Depression isn't somebodies fault. It's your body's reaction to life experiences. You don't always get to control that. For me I've learned that the things I can't change, are just that. I can't change them so why worry about them? Because it's my bodies natural response to be negative, I have learned to communicate with people. It's a work in progress, but talking to people makes the difference. Keeping your loved ones informed can save someone who struggles with depression. Suicide is preventable 99% of the time, but someone with depression may not have it in them to speak up. It's important to get to know your loved ones. Ask them how they are really doing and stop settling for the fake answer, Most of us are smart enough to know when someone is hurting. It's usually written all over their face and body language.

There are those times when it's impossible to tell that someone you know is hurting because they hide it so well. It's those times that make this month so important. Raising awareness about suicide can save someones life. It gives someone struggling breathing room and lets them know it's OK to be sad, but there is help available. Depression can be embarrassing because it's the ultimate act of vulnerability to tell someone you don't have control of your life. This month is about letting people know there's someone out there willing to help you gain that control back. I told a little bit of my story above to encourage those reading this that things get better. If you or someone you know struggles with depression, check in on them. This month is about coming together and showing those we love that we care.

pushing forward

I remember this one time my dad took me to a dog show when I was younger. I've always had a fascination with dogs and this show couldn't have been more exciting. The problem was that I was also terrified of dogs. So once we got to the show I relied on my dad to keep me safe. I was unsure of every corner and kept looking back for assurance that everything was going to be ok. Had my dad not been there, I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go.

Today at church, the pastor mentioned that having fear is ok, because God has your back. When he mentioned that, I immediately thought back to that scenario with my dad and the dogs. I've not been able to stop thinking about this all day. Time after time in my life I have relied on someone having my back in order to move forward. The idea of having somebody to back you up and cheer you on is comforting. It's amazing to me though, how often I try and do life alone. There hasn't been a time where being alone was more effective than having someone by my side. People push us to move forward.

Fear is a constant monster I battle in my life. It comes with the anxiety. Most days I'm able to forget those fears exist, but there are times when that feeling overwhelms me. Maybe it's a pride thing, but trying to deal with it alone before asking for help is just my natural response. And I've noticed that's true for many people. About the time we realize we can cross the street without holding mom's hand is when we realize independence is awesome. And every child is in a rush to continue to gain independence until the moment they move out for the first time. The world is less scary when you have the comfort of home to fall back on. But when the going gets really rough, even the toughest adult breaks and asks for help. Pride is no match for self defeat. Nothing tears me apart more than thinking I failed. I hate not being able to move forward. And it's in times like this that relying on those people in my corner becomes important. They are able to remind me that it's going to be ok...just give it time. Hang in there. And all of a sudden things aren't as scary because I know that I've got someone beside me when I become unsure. Someone that's there to feed off of and learn from. I can try all I want to be a loner, but in the end I always find my way back to people. Life is not getting any easier for me lately, so hearing that message today in church was a great reminder to seek people out when I'm sacred I can't do it alone.

A page from the A.D.D. diaries

Something that has always irritated me is when people say their ADD is getting to them. That stupid overused stigma of starting a sentence and being stopped midway through because you see a squirrel. That's not ADD. As this frustrates me to much because the people that actually do suffer with ADD are overlooked. Yeah, there are those "squirrel" moments, but ADD is so much more than that. I'm constantly dealing with a personal war when it comes to my ADD. There are times when days or weeks go by that I'm not able to kick a certain thought or feeling. I process it over and over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm in a conversation with someone, in the back of my head that thought is creeping. I try to distract myself with music or conversation, but sure enough I find myself mesmerized by this thing. Nothing is more agonizing than trying to sleep with my head racing. This inability to shut my brain off has me feeling like I'm going insane some days. There are times when I'm too overwhelmed to leave the house because I've conjured up some scenario in my head that I'm just assuming is going to happen because that's where my head takes me. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I also deal with anxiety. But the ADD is what prevents me from moving on. And talking to people? HA. I'm so deep in my head that it's almost impossible to reach me. It's like talking to a zombie sometimes. I'm not intentionally trying to avoid or ignore people...it just...happens. There's no explaining it. It's almost like in the movies when you see the screen freeze and the persons' ghost leaves the body but the body stays behind and keeps doing things. My thoughts are up with that ghost until I snap out of it and the screen unfreezes and that body "rejoins" the conversation. Some days it's like I spend the entire 24 hours in "ghost mode". Days blend together, and it feels like weeks go by before I even realize it. That's where I'm at now. It's been weeks and my friend just made it out of the ICU. You'd think I'd be really excited about that, (and don't get me wrong I'm stoked), but most of me is still terrified for her. She's in no way out of danger and there's still not a thing I can do about it. Mentally I still feel like I did since the minute I found out she entered the hospital. I've not been able to process any of my emotions. I've only been able to go over and over and over in my head all the things that can go wrong.

Work has been my saving grace in all of this. It's a forced distraction. I'm not able to just skip out on going to work because it turns out you can't do that when you're an adult. ...High school did have it's perks. So I'm forced to engage in conversation. It's turned out to be incredibly helpful to be in those conversations. I still have plenty of moments where I feel like I'm wondering around like a zombie, but those conversations have brought me to the now. I'm in the moment. And I find myself genuinely laughing and forgetting about things. I cherish these moments. They are the ones that force me out of bed in the morning when my body feels like it weighs 200 pounds. Even if I'm not completely interested in what the topic is about, it feels good to be a part of something that doesn't need to be fixed or solved. It's just a conversation. There's zero pressure to do anything. I can either laugh or participate or listen, but either way I'm just simply there...living in the moment. 

I've always had this feeling that everyone else deals with stress better than me. Bad things happen all the time, and it never seems like other people around me struggle with those times like I do. It's like they've all gotten the concept that conflict makes you stronger so they embrace it while I sit back and freak out. I don't get it. I know that comparing myself to others is going to leave me worse off, but I can't help but wonder why it feels like everyone else just "gets it". Some people are just wired differently. I'm sure I'm one of those people. I just wonder if anyone else if constantly feeling like I do when things that are out of my control come crashing down around me. Maybe it's because not everyone is as anxious as I am all the time, Maybe it's something else, but I'd like to get to a place where I feel like these things don't dominate my day. I'd like to get to a place where I set aside a few moments to deal with these things instead of allowing it to be on my head all day. 

Who has the mask?

People always say that in order to give the person next to you an oxygen mask, you've got to put one on first. What do you do when the mask is out of reach for both of you? No one ever talks about that. As my best friend sits in a hospital bed on life support, it feels like I too can't breathe. There's this feeling of helplessness that overwhelms me. Every emotion that I'm thinking is impossible to actually feel. I'm numb. I haven't even begun to process whats happening. The minute I do that it all becomes real. I sit here and try to think about the past. Memories of us sitting by the pool having drinks or staying up all night talking about life and boys. I've never met anyone like Tanis. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she takes control and makes the most of it. Tanis has always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. Actually, she insisted on it. And as I sit here tonight, that's exactly where I'm at. Nothing about this is comfortable. It's ironic as she fights for her life she's still forcing me to step out and take life by the horns.

Tanis wouldn't want me to sit around and worry about her. She'd be telling me to calm my ass down and go do something. Stop complaining and get over it. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to do just that, I've been running since I got the news. I took off work the day after because I thought I wouldn't be much use there. Well, it turns out that the reason she's always telling me to do something when I feel like this is because sitting with my thoughts is detrimental. It did me no good to sit at home and worry. I couldn't change anything from my couch and I lost money in the process. Being around people at least helps distract me from my thoughts. I always think it does the opposite so I end up trying to remove myself from everyone, including the people that are trying to be there for me. The most ridiculous part about all of that is the minute I walk away, I realize that I should stay but I'm just too stubborn to admit it and keep on walking. I think it's the thought of getting emotional that drives me to leave. Because others around me aren't in it, I just don't feel like they understand. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand and I'm terrified they might which also means I might be forced to deal with my emotions sooner than I'd like. Whatever it is, I run. Somehow it always seems easier than it really is.
 
I have always feared the unknown. My head immediately creates scenarios and rolls with them...all of them. Eventually after I've thought of every possible thing that could go wrong I panic. It's great. I've naturally been doing the same thing over the last 48 hours since I've received this news. No one knows what the next few days will bring. All I'm left with is hope. I know that situations like this will make me stronger, but right now I feel weak. There isn't a thing I can do to change whats going on. But I can't let this control me. How can something that I have no control over control me? Life is always gonna try and find a way to bring me down. This is no different. I'm smart enough to know that things like this happen. I can't change what already is. As I try and work through this, I'm remembering that God is the only one in control. The one thing that I know is that in the midst of my fear of the unknown, God is always constant. He is in the middle of this. To answer my original question about who supplies the mask when it feels like it's out of reach? God does. I don't have to have it together. I don't think anyone expects it. I'm just gonna do my best and try to remember that as the next few days unravel.

numb

I've never had a history of sleep walking, but over the last 24 hours or so it feels like that's what I've been doing. Bad news never has good timing. This time is no different. One of my best friends is fighting for her life right now, and I can't do a thing about it. I've been here before. I have zero effect on the outcome of this situation. Yet I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. My first initial reaction is to numb the pain any way I know how. I know it's the unhealthy choice to try and suppress my emotions, but I'm choosing to ignore that reality because being numb is so much easier. It's hard to think about the "what ifs" and the "maybes" when there is potential for someone to ask the dreaded "how are you" question right around every corner. How do I even answer that? No one is ever really looking for a full answer, it just happens to be the standard go to question because when it comes down to it, none of us know what else to say to someone dealing with this kind of heartache. I deal with it by not dealing with it until I'm forced to deal with it. I hate showing my emotions. Crying in front of people is just embarrassing. And then there's the talking. Like real talking. At some point it's necessary to work through emotions. I just find this so hard because telling someone how I feel doesn't change the reality of whats going on. It's just redundant. I feel like I end up pissing people off when they ask how I'm doing. I tell them, they listen and sometimes offer advice, and then look at me like I should be fixed for the time being because I let some shit off my chest. They have this face that says "why do you still look so sad?". Talking can be cool, but I don't feel like it gets me anywhere. To top it all off, there's anger...and a lot of it. I don't have an explanation as to why these kind of situations make me so angry, but in times like this I feel like snapping on anybody that gets in my path. None of this changes what's going on. It just makes the situation that much worse.

Every one of us deals with bad news differently. Some people throw themselves into work, and others find their closest friends to cling onto. I don't know the best way to deal with anything. This post isn't very encouraging or uplifting...but it's what I've got to offer.

Learning to shut my mouth

The other week I hit my head really hard on a towel rack in the bathroom. I was leaning too far forward and as I stood up, BANG! I learned something that day. I have successfully avoided another incident like that, as I'm sure I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Pain has a way of teaching you a lesson. The initial sting goes away, but there's a lasting mark that stays with you for much longer. People have been learning lessons like that for centuries. A child gets spanked when he does something stupid, and as a result learns to discontinue whatever it was he was doing. I was never really disciplined as a kid, so the only time I ever really learned from a mistake was when I got myself  hurt. Some kids were jealous of me growing up because my parents were more lenient. As a kid I absolutely loved the freedom I had. I've always been kind of reserved anyway, so I never did anything in public that could get around to my parents hearing about it. Over time I learned to be sneaky about the stupid shit I was doing. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was just a "good kid" and stayed out of trouble. They had no clue. While other kids were abiding by curfew and other rules I was off doing my own thing with my friends. I've actually always welcomed discipline in my life, because to me it showed someone cared enough to correct me. But not receiving any resulted in me kind of just doing my own thing. I had to figure out for myself what worked for me. Unfortunately, what works for me isn't what works for everyone else. And when that gets questioned I become defensive.  And mouthy. I'm starting to learn my mouth is going to get me in some serious trouble one day if I can't get it under control.

 I've always spoken my mind about things and have never really cared about what others thought about my opinions. I just kind of lack a filer. Lately, this has gotten me into some trouble. I'm slowly learning that as an adult, it's not so appreciated that I have an opinion about everything. Growing up, having an opinion was encouraged because it showed that I actually cared about something and that I was learning new things. Now it seems like having an opinion means that I'm questioning everyone I come into contact with. It also makes me seem self centered and arrogant. Sure, it's good to voice an opinion when someone is looking for it....but I kind of forget that daily. And most of my opinions contain language that it shouldn't. It turns out other people respect what I have to say much more when I'm not being a sailor. I've usually had enough sense to watch what I say in front of my superiors, but there have been a few close calls. I'm learning that not everyone agrees with my opinions, and not everyone wants me to share them.

Life is much more difficult without discipline. Rules are there for a reason. I'm beginning to understand why children shouldn't make rules. The world already has a way of doing things. Every child has a different opinion about how the world should work. And when a child is given the opportunity to go through life being allowed to express those opinions without correction, those opinions turn into reality for that child. She no longer questions how the world works, she just assumes what she thought about it initially was right. And because nobody corrected that, any time someone questions what she believes, it's considered an attack. Everyone SHOULD have opinions about things. That's normal. But it's also just as normal to accept that every other person also has an opinion and that we all have to meet in the middle somewhere. To a child that has been allowed to make their own rules, meeting in the middle isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of effort. There is so much violence and corruption in the world because there are individuals like myself who believe their opinions are more important than someone else's. Now, I'm not saying I'm a violent person, but I definitely feel frustration when something goes different than I think it should.

Hitting my head on a towel rack was a nice a quick lesson. Learning that I'm not always right isn't so instantaneous. I have to check myself daily. I'm slowly learning to appreciate the people that call me out. I've become a very defensive person in order to secure my opinions. My goal is to begin accept things aren't always going to turn out how I want. I've controlled so much of my life that it's really hard to let someone else be on control. It's hard to allow someone else to take the lead and show me how to do something differently. And it's really hard to take a step back and just let things happen. There have been recent situations in my life that I have zero control over, except how I react. Because I'm so opinionated I become extremely frustrated that I can't figure out how to fix it. In my head I know what should happen, but other people don't think like I do, so other people end up handling the situation differently than I would. I can't do a thing about it. One day at a time I'm learning to let God take control so I don't have to. I don't expect this to be a quick process, but I'm excited to see the potential I'll have as I continue to learn how to let go of myself.

"you can lead a horse to water..."

I was in a conversation today and an analogy I've never heard was thrown my way. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." As I heard it, I immediately wondered why I had never heard that before because I've lived out that analogy. A few of my close friends pushed me to better myself a few years ago. They fought as hard as they could for me, and I resisted them the entire time. Eventually it came down to me realizing the only way I could receive help is if I helped myself. Nobody can force someone to change. It all comes down to free will.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and I'm sure I'll probably find myself back in it again at some point down the road. But this is weighing heavy on my heart tonight because I get it. I get why people stay in the state of mind where they believe nothing anyone does is going to work anyways, so what's the point in trying? I've been there. It's easy to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation because it's unique to me. I know about the pride I have and how it's hard to admit that I need help. I remember thinking it's so much easier to stay in the hell I created for myself, because at least I'm familiar with it. Change isn't ever easy to embrace. It's hard to tackle the unknown with certainty. It's especially hard to embrace it when you're in a constant state of doubt. And nothing is more frustrating than EVERYONE around you being so certain of a "brighter future" when you're not. So I get not wanting to drink the water. Faith is something that takes effort to have.

Life is full of uncertainty and it's up to each one of us how we handle it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and in my experience it's always easier in the long run to take the leap of faith. Living in fear of the unknown doesn't allow for opportunity to grow. If I would have stayed where I was at years ago, I never would have formed the friendships I have, I wouldn't have a job that allows me to support myself, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as far as I am now. I was terrified of the change, but I was more scared of waking up and being 40 only to find out I missed out on living.

 Not being able to control an outcome is hard. It freezes me.. Most of the things I'm trying to change about myself are things I've been dealing with since I started developing into my own person. I think that's the case for most people. Back in high school, I was running to the things I'm now trying to escape. But when I was 14 I had a different mind-set. I was curious about the unknown. I wasn't worried about change because the ONLY thing that was constant in high school was change. After I graduated though and started to discover who I was, I found that I wasn't so open to change. Change to me after high school meant that I had to question who I was. And it was so difficult to except change because it literally meant revisiting what I had worked so hard to create...my walls. I built walls around myself for protection and allowing someone else to help me forced me to break down the walls I carefully structured.

Allowing people to help me was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was hard to knock down the barriers I knew and it was scary to walk blindly into my future. But I don't regret it, Looking back I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time excepting the help. I exhausted myself trying to hold onto my pride. Admitting someone else is right, doesn't mean that I'm wrong...it just means that I acknowledge there are other ways of doing things. But that also means I can't force anyone "drink the water" because I also acknowledge they have their own way too. It's all relative, but I've come to realize that only I can change myself. People can be there to guide me along the way, but ultimately it's up to me if I want to grow, Having that little bit of faith saved my life.

Anger: The beast that creeps

I've witnessed first hand what holding onto anger does to a person. It makes them bitter. You can have conversations with that person, but you never get to experience real joy with them. It's only joy to a potential that's limited by a wall of anger. It's like watching someone that's living a glass half empty kind of life. The mundane things in life are just that...mundane. It's depressing to watch that. Those small moments in life should be experienced! A person that holds onto anger has a very hard time appreciating those mundane things like a hug or a simple "I love you.". And it's noticeable. It hurts because you never think you can reach that person. It's hard to tell if the smile on their face is genuine. Joy never lasts for the person who holds onto anger. I've seen how a child's heart breaks because her parent wasn't able to show her that he cared. She knew that her father cared, but she cried most nights because the anger prevented him from smiling at her as she walked by. Her father never acknowledged her successes because he was too busy being angry at the mundane things in life to notice. Eventually I watched that girl grow up to think most people are just as angry as the ones she grew up with. Anger rubs off on people. That little girl became angry because nothing she ever did was good enough. Anger causes you to stay inside your head and prevents you from communicating when it matters. Nothing should be so frustrating that it takes up your whole life.

Personally, anger is a beast I've struggled with for most of my life. I've never really figured out how to let go of it completely, although there have been times I thought I was close. You would never know that looking at me because I'm a very easy going person. I genuinely love to be happy and cheerful. The people who know me have seen the other side of that playfulness I love so much. I tend to bottle up my emotions and not let people see the real me. So only the ones who know me have seen how this struggle with anger has controlled me at times.

Lately I've been having a hard time working through my anger, Because I don't like to let people see me angry, I keep pushing it to the back of my head to come back to for later. But every time I do this I keep adding to the crap that's already there and make everything worse. I'm struggling to break that habit. I'm a very transparent person, but opening up about myself on a real level is hard for me. I'm trying to break the habit I have of not talking to people when I need to. I believe this will help me to let go of some of the anger I haven't worked through. I stay awake at night because those thoughts that I so easily pushed back make their way to the front of my brain. And then my anxiety takes off with it. Letting go of some of that anger in a healthy way like talking to someone is going to help me in the long run. I'm legitimately scared I'm going to say something to someone one day because I'm so frustrated and I won't be able to take it back. I feel like I've gotten close to accomplishing that a few times actually. Words have such an incredible impact on people, and I don't want to be that person to use them in a way that damages someone for life.

Anger has done nothing but destroy me. Sure it has motivated me to be a better person at times, but it has killed my family, my personal relationships, and prevented me from forming new relationships. There are multiple days throughout my week that someone asks me "are you alright?" and say things like "boy you look pissed!"...but I'm not even angry. Apparently though, my heart has become so hardened from the anger, that I wear it without even knowing it. And my assumption is that if I wear it like a pair of jeans, then my attitude is also suffering. I've always had a dry sense of sarcasm and humor, but someone with an angry heart probably shouldn't be sarcastic. It usually just makes me sound like an asshole. In my case, I definitely come across as a jerk. My goal is to open up to people again and work through my anger in a healthy way so I don't become that bitter person I talked about above,

It's about to get real

Lately I have been struggling in a lot of areas that used to drag me down. No one is to blame but myself for that, BUT all of it could have been prevented. I don't have any intention of dragging myself through the years of torment again, but I know this isn't a battle that's won in a day. My whole life has been a battle. I figured since I "won" that battle, I knew how to live. Yeeeah....now I have to turn myself around. I don't know everything. I'm not even close to knowing anything if we're being honest. I'm forcing myself to stop over thinking every decision I make and think back to the more simple solutions my mentors have provided. They gave me the things I needed to survive, I just forgot. I won't lie, I'm sure I'll need someone to yell at me a few times and I could probably use a good ass kicking, but in time I fully intend to become that person I know I can be. Life is too short to dwell in my past mistakes.

These last few years have had their ups and downs. I've been ashamed to write new blogs posts that are "real" for quite some time now. I've been ashamed to admit that I'm not "healed" or fixed. Mostly I'm ashamed because there are a few people that read this blog that have been with me from the beginning of my journey that are going to be disappointed to read this post. I don't believe they will be disappointed because I failed, but because I chose to fail alone. I've always had the opportunity to pick up the phone or get in my car, but instead I've tried to do it my own way.

A few years ago I moved out on my own. I left the comfortable nest of my sister and brother in law. I left the security net I always had when I messed up. I walked into the front door of my first apartment a "new woman". Before I moved on my own, I had spent the last year learning how to "adult" and the year before that in St. Louis learning how to take control of my past. But something about being on your own is gratifying, It made me think that I it figured out. I no longer needed help from anyone. And for awhile that was true. Even now, as I sit here in my own place and I feel proud of myself. I've overcome a whole lot and should be proud. But I'm not proud of decision I made to try and do it alone. Living alone doesn't mean I'm just good to go and don't need help anymore. I've learned that I'm a very impulsive person and that I lack direction and discipline. I mean, I guess I've always known that...but I'm learning just how detrimental that is for my survival.plan as an adult. I've missed out on promotions, relationships, and many other things because of my lack of discipline. So I guess here's my "coming out" blog. This is the blog that going to start my new journey. This is the blog that's here to inform you I need accountability in my life and someone to kick my ass. (probably literally.) I've strayed away from the people in my life that were leading me. I've pushed away the friends that wanted to help me succeed.

It's not in my blood to give up. I know what I've overcome and I know what I'm capable of. I also know I sometimes need that push or kick to get me there. My goal is to try and realign myself with the God's heart. My prayer is that God won't leave me alone in my trying. I'm not ready to give up. Life may be rough right now, but when is it now? I've got to get out of the habit of thinking one rough patch is going to determine the next 5 years of my future. My future is what I make of it.

Testing the Waters

"Aren't you gonna test the waters?" I remember one of my co-workers saying that to me awhile back. The situation he was talking about doesn't matter now, but the statement has stuck with me. It's a question that I often ask myself. But I wonder if I've been too cautious my entire life? For as long as I can remember I've never really been the "go getter" type. I usually need a push to get going. I'm not really one to just "test waters". I know what's comfortable for me, and the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me anxious. But recently I've learned how staying in my comfort zone for too long isn't always comfortable. I used to say that once things get comfortable, it's time for a change. Well, I had to take my own advice.

Staying in my comfort zone prevented me from growing. When I was in high school I used to love learning new things. Philosophy and debating were the two things I needed zero motivation with. I loved the drive and I loved what it did to my mind. The hunt for answers drove me to discover new things about the world and myself that I never would have otherwise. ...and then things became comfortable. I eventually stopped studying and blogging a few years after high school and fell into the mundane routines of life. I no longer felt like I was growing, I had become stagnant and I hated myself for that, I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. The joy I used to feel was slowly being sucked away from me because I stopped testing the waters. I stopped trying new things and discovering more about myself. I just assumed I knew who I was after all the studying and didn't realize that I'm never going to stop growing, I can't force myself to stay where I'm at because I'm scared of what's to come. Somewhere along the way I lost that part of me.

I want that part of me back again. I want to find out who I am again and rediscover my passion for knowledge. I want to take chances in life instead of staying comfortable. Comfortable is great for the anxious person...but ironically it also leaves the anxious more anxious. Nothing is worse than the unknown for someone who is anxious, and if I'm stuck in my comfort zone there's a good change the unknown is slipping further and further away from me. Part of me doesn't want to take chances and test waters because of that fear of the unknown. But the fear of never knowing what I never tired is bigger than the one that's keeping me in chains. So I'm breaking free from those chains and officially testing some new waters in life.

31,536 000 and counting!!

There are 31,536 000 in a year. As many of you may remember, I had a post awhile back stating how many seconds were in a month. Those seconds represented how long I had been sober from smoking pot a that time. I'm extremely proud to say that it has now been over a year and a half since I have last touched that drug, or any other drug!! I wasn't able to stay sober after the first post, but this time I have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The methods I took to stay sober were drastically different than the ones I tried before. God was still the biggest part of it all, but this time I completely removed myself from my environment. Definitely not an easy task. It upset a lot of people that I left home and went to St. Louis for 6 months. I had to trust God the entire time to be reassured that I was doing the right the right thing by leaving. Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do and it was incredibly heartbreaking. It hurt my family, and it hurt the people around me. A lot of them didn't think that I needed to leave. But as I prayed about it, I knew it was what I needed to do. St. Louis turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to a place called Mercy Ministries. It's an all girls home, and they have places all around the country as well as outside of the US. The program is completely free to every girl accepted. It's run completely on donations, so the government can't say God isn't allowed in the teaching. Mercy is hands down one of the biggest blessings to any girl that has life controlling issues. I will always have a place in my heart for Mercy.

Going through such an extensive rehab program was insane. Most days I didn't think I was going to last. While I was there, I was still having strong temptations to use drugs. My sleeping patterns were thrown off, and I had to basically relearn how to function normally. As the seconds have continued to tick, things have become gradually easier. I won't say that I'm not still tempted to use drugs. I've even fallen into the trap of switching coping mechanisms and have drank more than I should. The thought of becoming an alcoholic to substitute being a drug addict is unacceptable, so I've taken the measures I've needed to so that doesn't happen. I've learned that coping with life doesn't have to involve any kind of substance. Although it's not my first reaction to want to turn to something other than drugs or any other substance, I've gained the strength to resist it when life gets complicated. "Coping" was always viewed as something negative before I went to Mercy, and even somewhat after I came home. In my head, it was something weak people did to mask the pain. Boy was I wrong. Coping is a natural response to life's circumstances. It's a healthy way to keep pushing forward in order to get to a point that you realize life isn't going to end when it gets tough. Coping was always so negative to me because I was in fact "masking the pain". I was using drugs as a cop out, instead of actually dealing with my problems. I was coping in unhealthy ways.

There are healthy ways to cope with life. Talking to someone and allowing people to be there for me is the biggest way I have learned to cope. It's not easy to do this. In fact, in a real backwards kind of way, I've found that I end up fighting and pushing the people that I respect. This makes is difficult for anyone to try and be there for me and keep me accountable. But sure enough, once I'm able to push past my own stubbornness, I'm able to take in what other people have to say. Another way I've learned to cope with life is to engage myself in hobbies. I've taken up archery recently, and have grown very fond of it! I absolutely LOVE target practicing and pushing myself to shoot better. It's amazing how well it helps me to take my mind off of things. When I'm done shooting, I've found that I'm much more relaxed than I was, and I'm able to think about things more rationally. Keeping myself busy is very helpful. I actually enjoy going to work and being able to joke around and have fun with my co-workers. I also know, that even in my work environment I'm surrounded by people who would call me out if they saw that I might have a problem. To me, that's huge. I know that wherever I'm at, whether it be at work or at home, that I'm surrounded by people that I can trust. That sense of security is probably the biggest thing for me since I've been back home.

Removing myself from my old friends was probably the hardest part of this entire process. I tried hanging out with them when I returned, but I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be possible to keep these people in my life if I wanted to stay sober. The temptation was just too big. It's much easier to say no to a stranger than it is to someone who knows you inside and out, and knows how to hit your weak spots. This was a very lonely and painful process to go through. Sometimes I still miss them, but I know what I did was for the best. Since I distanced myself from the old crowd, I was forced to find a new crowd. It took awhile, but I finally forced myself to join a small group at church. This has been HUGE! I love the people I have met and know that I've found some life long friends. These new friends, along with the one's I met at rehab, and even the few that stuck by my side through the Mercy stay have been amazing.

Life after Mercy has been incredible. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm blessed to be alive today. I wake up every morning and I'm thankful that I've been given a second, third, and many more chances to walk out my freedom. I thank God that He brought me out of the pit and that He has done such an amazing work in me. I know now that life is much more than "ups and downs". I've learned that it's about allowing myself to be open to change. It's about embracing it no matter what the circumstance is, because circumstances aren't whats going define how my story will end. I have to chose how to respond to life. It's about being thankful for what I have. It's being willing to let the world see what I have to offer and taking the risk that some may not like it...and being OK with that. It's about knowing who I am in Christ, and knowing what I stand for. I don't always get it right, but I'm learning that my mistakes and setbacks aren't going to ruin who I've fought so hard to become.

As the seconds pass,  I'm going to continue to embrace this crazy journey. I'm going to keep pushing forward. I still have things I need to work on, but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not rush things. I'm going to continue to allow those who I can trust to lead me where I need to go when I stumble. And I'm going to keep up the long process of learning how to humble myself and allow God to work in my life...even if it means being quiet and allowing myself to listen to Him and those around me. I'm thankful for all He has done, and all he will continue to do! So let the clock keep rolling!!

I'm lost

I'm waiting. but you never show up. Sure, your lips are moving, but those aren't your words coming out. They haven't been for years. A label is the only reason you recognize yourself. A label is what you've become. A thin white sheet of paper tells you who you are. Otherwise, you'd have no clue. You're lost within the pain. Life should be more hard, but you've taken the easy way out. Honestly, I don't know how to express myself and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I'm at a loss for words, so I just sit there. I sit and wonder what's going through your head. I wonder why things ended up this way. It drives me insane. I wish I could fix it. You say things are getting better. but I see past that. Things are getting worse every day. You're drowning and you don't even know it. Nobody can save you but you. I pray that you'll one day realize this. I pray that you'll one day understand that life is allowed to be complicated.

I live in a constant state of turmoil.I want to save people but I just can't. I take on burdens that aren't mine to bare. Life is difficult some days. I don't know how to move forward and I can't understand how to let go. A lot of the time I end up coping in ways that are unhealthy. I just don't know how to watch people slowly kill themselves. My heart just breaks for those who hurt. I know there are things that are out of my control, but I'm too stubborn to just move on. One day I know I'll find peace, but until then I'm going to live the best I can.

Lately I've been tempted to drown out the pain I'm feeling. I'm trying my best to not give in, but most days I find myself unsuccessful. I have a huge support system, but I'm not taking advantage of that. Instead I'm withdrawing myself from them so I don't have to deal with all this. I know that this post seems vague, but I can't go into details here. I'm asking that those of you that have managed to make it this far into reading this would pray for me. I'm feeling lost and don;t know what to do. All I can do is be there and pray that God will intervene.

sometimes words are harder than stones

Words effect others more than you think. Lately, I've been pretty self conscious of the words people have been speaking to me. A lot of it is in good fun and through joking, but some of it isn't so funny. I can't tell if I should be taking people seriously or not. I know who I am, and I know who God says I am...but it's really hard to walk that out sometimes when it feels like the whole world is judging me. Sometimes I struggle with these comments. Other times I just let them pass on by.

Words just hurts sometimes. People don't mean to hurt feelings most times. I know I'm like that all the time. I joke around way too much and then end up hurting someone's feelings without knowing it. I think that we all need to be more conscious of the contxt we are using our words in. Context can make the difference of someone's day. For me, I know it's hard to read the context of the situation sometimes. Other times, it's laid out there pretty clear. It's something I need to work on, but it's also something other people need to work o as well. You never know when an innocent comment ends up ruining someone's day. I'm praying that we can all become more conscious of one anothers' feelings.

this isn't really a blog, but more of a opinion and just what's been on my mind lately.

An update on life

As the months continue to pass since my graduation from Mercy Ministries, I grow continually thankful for the new life I was given through the grace of Jesus. As I've mentioned before, I was blessed to have the opportunity to move in with my sister and her family after I graduated. The purpose of this was to allow them to keep me accountable for my actions so I didn't slip back into my old habits. There have been a few close calls, but I've grown to trust them to not let me slip. They have helped me gain confidence in myself and learn how to live a drug free life. They've also helped me become a stronger person. I've had some major ups and downs since I've been back home and they saw me through each and every one...even when I became difficult. I don't have the words to express my gratitude.

Recently I put in an application so that I can move out on my own. This is definitely terrifying, but it's the next step in the process to independence. Part of me doesn't feel ready, but the other part of me feels ready to move forward and begin a life of independence and adulthood. They have been preparing me for this time since I got back. As the move out date becomes closer, reality has started to sink in. But I've become more excited about the idea of being on my own. The point of saying all this is that I've realized a very important lesson through all this.

Independence is learned through dependence. I know this idea doesn't seem that profound, but for me it's become mind blowing. Because I've never known a life without being dependent on someone, I've never been able to fully experience independence. But as I've grown in the last year, I've learned a few things about independence. The biggest thing I've learned is that when a person becomes comfortable with depending on people, it's time to make a step towards independence. This is true in all stages of life. It's a learning experience for sure. But I've learned that since I've become dependent on living with my sister it's time to take the next step. For example, with my budgeting I've become too comfortable in allowing them to keep me accountable. So here and there I'll spend more money than I know I should because in the back of my mind I know that the rent they are charging me will allow me to afford this splurge. Unfortunately when I move, I won't have that kind of money to blow. To me, this is an indicator that I need to take the next step so I can keep learning how to better budget on my own without their help. This is true when it comes to time management. and other responsibilities as well. I'm finally reaching a point in my journey that indicates it's time for me to move on.

So as I wait for the call from the apartment saying I can move, I will continue to allow myself to learn. I still make mistakes, so in those instances I know that I can still reply on the help that's been provided. But I will continue to try my best and keep pushing myself.

A tiny glimpse of an eating disorder

Being a woman has it's advantages, and disadvantages. In the culture we live in, body image is probably the number one issues women face. For me personally, most of my life I have been consumed with my body image. I've always wanted to be skinny and feel pretty. I grew up in a home of people that were skinny. My dad and brother could eat anything and not gain a pound. For a lot of my life, I was like that too. When high school hit, things started to change. I became aware of how food effected my body and became uncomfortable. A lot of girls my age were dieting or starving themselves. I always thought that things like that would never effect me, but slowly I became very aware of my body. Things became very hard for me. Eating in front of people became difficult. A lot of the times I would eat a small amount while I was around people, and then binge eat when I was alone because I was starving. But I noticed that I was gaining weight. I was never that unhealthy with my weight, but I somehow convinced myself that I was fat. I heard comments from other people that implied it. I shrugged it off in front of them, but the minute I walked away, I couldn't get over it. For the longest time, I lived with these feelings. Eventually my mind got the best of me and I began to starve myself. I began eating once a day and even that was a tiny amount. I exercised about 3 hours a day and rode my bike at least 30 miles a day. I was determined to be skinny. People began to comment that I looked good and commented that I had lost weight. This motivated me to want to lose more weight. The day before I left to go to rehab, I remember thinking that I was fat. But when I got there, they said they were going to weigh me. I weighed in at 100 pounds. I didn't think it was possible. I had to weight more. Without realizing it, I had convinced myself that eating wasn't ok. The pressure that I had put on myself was unreal. When I was away, I realized that people effected me than I thought they did. I compared myself to magazine models and 12 year old girls. I thought that women were supposed to be small to fit in.

While I was gone, things started to change. The program I was in forced me to eat. I was given the option to eat, or leave. I knew that I needed to be there so I could get rid of my drug problem and depression...so I slowly started to comply. Eventually I started eating 3 meals a day and being ok with doing so. I hit a huge bump in the road when I started to gain weight. But I learned that it wasn't unhealthy to gain weight. My body had been deprived of nutrients for so long, and after awhile it started to become"normal". I had to learn that gaining weight was a part of becoming a woman. Having curves isn't a bad thing. I eventually started to accept that I was supposed to have curves. I learned that weight isn't what defines me. I learned that God still accepts me and that people would rather see me with a few curves than see me starve myself. Sure, there have been times where I have become angry or guilty for eating, but since rehab, I've been able to overcome those feelings.

Since I've graduated from Mercy, I've learned to accept who I am and accept that my body will change. It hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm not who people say I am. I'm lucky enough to survive an eating disorder. There are girls out there who have died because of the pressure people put on them to be skinny. I'm lucky enough that I was saved before things got too bad. I'm blessed that there were people who were looking out for me when I was drugged up and being irrational. And I'm thankful for the strength God has given me to keep pushing forward. There are days when I feel like my old self and want to stop eating. There are days when all I want to do is use drugs. But I know that God has bugger plans for me. This blog was only a small glimpse of the struggle I went though. But I'm thankful to be able to share this little bit in hopes to encourage just one person.

Gay? Fine by me.

So Illinois recently decided to pass on allowing gay marriage. As a Christ follower, society tells me that I should be thankful for this. But if I can be honest, it hurts my heart. I know a lot of people who read this blog won't agree with my views, but I'm willing to risk losing some readers. I'm not gonna try to back up my views with bible verses or get crazy with my views and start a debate, because fighting over this topic is tiring and stupid. I'm writing to share my feelings on life like I do in any other blog post I write.

I personally feel like denying people the right to marry isn't just. I know I go against the bible I firmly believe in when I say that, but it's hard for me to deny someone the chance to have the rights that I have for being "straight" when people that I love are forced to deal with a civil union. Honestly, I don't understand how it effects anyone else that two people of the same sex want to be married. It's not my relationship, it's theirs. I am personally effected by this topic because people who mean the world to me are not allowed to share the same happiness I can. I don't get how it's OK to tell someone they can't share marriage. I've heard every debate there possibly is on this topic, and none of it matters to me. What matters to me personally is that I have to watch those I love suffer because other people can't get over something that shouldn't be an issue to begin with. For years, marrying someone of the opposite race was unheard of...but we got over that. I grew up with the moral of not discriminating against someone for what they believe. I grew up with the moral to love people no matter what. I grew up respecting that other people have different beliefs than me, but learned to accept them. Not everything I believe is accepted...I'm OK with that. I personally want to marry a man...but that doesn't mean I think every female needs to.

I know a lot of this is just rambling, but I'm saddened that gay marriage is such a crazy topic. I see things that I don't like every day. So I turn my head and continue on with the day. I'm not gonna walk around and hate people who dislike gay marriage. I'll just continue to turn my head. But I will always support my friends and family for who they want to be. I apologize if I upset anyone, but know that I too am upset that my loved ones are being ridiculed and spit on everyday for loving someone. My loved ones are hurting, and I hurt for them. I proudly support gay marriage.

If you want to see change, you can't fight the process

Stuck. It's a situation all of us find ourselves in at one time or another. If you're like me, you hate the feeling of helplessness. I've been in situations that have completely crippled me. That feeling is one of the worst feelings in the world. I think the only thing that might be worse is feeling like God isn't with me. But that's another topic. Change. It's the solution to being stuck. But unlike being stuck, change is usually a lot harder to accomplish. It's easy to get into a situation, but a whole lot harder to get out of it. Sometimes it takes years to change. And that change is a huge process.

 I love being in control. I know that I can't always be in control. Having a leader in my life is necessary, but it's in my nature to want to control the situation I'm in. When I feel like I'm not in control, I get anxious. It's hard to tell myself that some things are just not in my control. Sometimes I have to sit back and let life take its course, and other times the situation may just be too big for me. Whatever the circumstance, it's not always possible to be in control. Trying to control change just doesn't work. Now, I'm not suggesting that in the midst of change, people should sit back and do nothing. But I am saying that trying to control everything allows God to do nothing. I cannot play God because simply put, I am not God. But I can follow God's will for my life and allow Him to do what he does. What I mean is that sometimes when life goes wrong, it's actually right.

When I was trying to quit drugs I had to remove myself from my hometown completely. I know that seems drastic to some people, but for me it was the only way. The thing was, is that it took a long time for me to realize that it was the only way. I tried everything from removing myself from friends to going cold turkey. I tried going to church and I tried isolating myself completely. Nothing seemed to work. Talking to counselors and pastors didn't even help. Everyone I was talking to told me that I needed to remove myself from my home town for awhile. And I told everyone they were crazy. I was still under the impression that I could do it by myself. I didn't think that they knew what they were talking about when they said that I needed to leave. But something crazy happened when I stopped fighting everyone and agreed to leave. Life change happened. It was a totally God ordained event that I left to go to St. Louis for 6 months. Not only did I drop the drug habit, but I completely changed my life. God moved through my heart and I found Him. Once I started letting God do work in me, other people were able to start helping me. Before I left, people were trying to help me, but my heart was hardened. But I was expecting them to heal me. I learned through this process that people can help me, but God is the only one that can heal me.

If it was up to me, I never would have gone to St. Louis. But something in my heart was telling me I needed to go. Before I left, I knew God but didn't really have a huge relationship with Him. So when I felt the urge to go, in my heart I knew it was God. I knew this because it was an urge that I personally would have never felt. While in St. Louis I felt a whole lot more of that. I learned that those feelings to do something that I normally wouldn't do was actually not a feeling, but the Holy Spirit prompting me. Through obeying those promptings, I learned how to trust people again and ultimately learn how to trust God again. I learned that life isn't meant to be done alone and that I need help. I learned how to humble myself and throw away my pride. I still struggle with all of these things, but I'm getting better. I'm learning to led God be the leader in my life. I'm learning that he places people in my path for a reason. I learned all of this by learning to stop fighting the process of change. All of the things that have happened over this last year and a half  would have never happened if I would have continued to fight the process and do it alone. I'd still be a drug addict and still be hanging around the same people that brought me down. None of this was easy...in fact it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I can honestly say that it was more than worth it. The life I have now is so much more fulfilling than any bag of drugs I ever bought. I'm surrounded by people who love me for me and have my best interest at heart. I'm surrounded by unconditional love and most importantly I'm at a place in my life that for the first time, I can accept unconditional love. Life has not been the same since I started to let God in and stopped fighting the process. I miss it sometimes, but I would NEVER go back.

Childlike Faith

Whilst pushing my niece on the swing the other day, she randomly said to me, "you know those bad guys that try to steal you at night? Well when them try to take me, hundreds of mosquitoes will bite them and then I won't be scared. Them will probably die cause of all those bites.". This conversation and many others with that sweet little girl remind me of the innocence of children. 

Sometimes I need to remind myself to go back to the simplicity of having childlike faith. When I was younger and watched movies, things like talking animals or objects was just accepted. I never questions how those things or animals talked...they just did. Now when I watch movies like "Cars" with my nephew I wonder why their eyebrows don't show enough emotion. I get lost in contemplating the small things, instead of just accepting the big picture. While my nephew is enjoying himself, I end up missing the entire movie because I can't wrap my head around how those cars reproduce and if they did mange to, what kind of car would result? Would car brands have to merge?

As Children we don't think about how pure we are. Everything in life is so simple, and accepting things is easy. The choices we have to make aren't that difficult and if it happens to be difficult, taking the advice of a parent or guardian is easy. There are questions about why things are, or how we got here, but those questions have simple answers when we are young. As we start to grow older and form our own opinions about life, things become more difficult. We become aware of the bad in the world and start to wonder if we are safe.When we doubt the goodness of the world, there is always God to rely on. But as adults that's not always easy to remember. Little kids don't think to doubt things like that if we just tell them that God is good and his goodness overrides any bad. I wish that I had more childlike faith when life got hard. I need to start going back to the basics again and tackle life with a new perspective daily.

A Glass Half Full Kind of Love

Have you ever thought to yourself that your "love tank" was running a little low, even though you were being surrounded by a whole lot of love? Or have you ever went looking for love and found yourself falling short and getting hurt because it wasn't what you wanted? I've personally been in situations where I've wanted to experience a "certain kind of love" from someone and discovered that what I was looking for in that person didn't fulfill the hole in my heart. Love isn't something that that can be forced and love isn't something that you can alter. You can't experience the same love from every person you come into contact with. A parents love is different from the love of a best friend. The love you find at church is different than the love you find on a mission trip to another country. We are all wired to experience love from one another, but sometimes someone else's love doesn't measure up to our own standards of how we think we should be receiving that love. I believe that the reason a lot of us come up short when it comes to feeling loved by others around us is because we are looking for love in the wrong way. God's love is the only love that can make us feel whole. It's the only love that completes who we are. We were made as a result of His love for us. We were made by Love, out of Love and to love and be loved.

I think that it's fully possible to sustain a happy life living off of the love we receive from one another. But I believe that the love we receive from one another, as well as give out to others isn't love to its fullest potential. It's a glass half full kind of love. This is where it may get a little tricky. I personally believe that when I love someone, I'm loving them with everything I am. But the person who is receiving that love may not feel like I'm loving them will all I am. I know I've felt that someone should love me "better". But to me, the love I give is the best I've got. And to you, the love you give is the best you've got. This is why I call it a glass half full kind of love. In my own life, I've fought very hard for the love of my earthly father. Sometimes I walk away and I don't think he loved me"enough". But to him, he was showing love to me the best he knew how. I walked away feeling kind of empty. None of that is his fault. To him, he was giving me love to his fullest potential, but I felt empty because I know in my heart what love to it's fullest potential feels like. I know what God's love feels like. And nothing...I mean NOTHING compares to the love of God! My dad loves me very much, even if I don't always feel like it. But God loves me more than I can even comprehend.

The love we receive from God is the only love that is love to it's fullest potential. His love overflows our glasses. God is Love! How can we personally love anyone more than God loves us? We can't. We can give our best, but it's still nothing compared to the love of our creator. He is the definition of love. None of this should be discouraging though. If anything, it should be ridiculously encouraging. In those moments when you feel like your coming up short and that your love tank is half full, you should turn to God. God can make your heart whole, and God can make you feel more loved than any human being on this earth is capable of. God's love saves people. All we as humans have to do is accept that love. It's ours for the taking. We don't ever have to feel like we've come up short when it comes to love. God has all the love we will ever need!