Doors

Have you ever walked through an open door that was supposed to be locked? I remember this one time I was closing down the kitchen and the door was accidentally left open for too long. Someone walked in to get food and every eye turned to him. He started walking very cautiously all of a sudden, questioning if he should be there or not. Most everything was already taken off the lines by the time he made his way into the dining area. This guy had paid full price to eat and had very little to chose from. A few of the cooks saw this and instead of throwing away the food they had left like they had every right to, they waited so that the guy could get something to eat. The thing was though, was that he knew when the place closed and decided to test his luck anyway. This time around he was able to get food, but I've seen people get turned away empty handed plenty of times.

I feel like I've kind of been in that scenario in life recently. Doors that should have been locked, opened all of a sudden. There's that saying about open doors leading to the right path and all that, but sometimes I feel like those locked doors have something to offer as well. Like that kid, I walked into this particular door knowing that it was supposed to be closed and decided to test my luck anyways. Once I got inside, I got what I came for...but not all of it. When I entered the door it was wonderful! It was everything I had dreamed it would be and more. Why hadn't I tried to open this door before? But it hit me all of a sudden that I only got a taste of everything it had to offer and it left me wanting more. I've been trying to re-enter that door ever since it was left open to see if I can experience more of what I've been missing, but I keep finding that it's always closing time. I keep getting a taste of the real thing, but I keep walking away discouraged. I'm left to wonder if my decision to open a door that should have been locked was the right thing to do? I paid a price to get in, but was it worth it? I knew walking in that I might not get everything I wanted, but I was so hungry for it that it honestly didn't matter.

I think I'm learning the hard way that doors open and close for a reason. No one ever told me about the doors that accidentally got left open. Over the years I've seen the dining doors get left open many times. And every time it's a different outcome. Sometimes a student will walk away empty handed, left wondering why he even entered the door at all, and other times they walk away with whatever we have left to offer. But the look they have on their faces is always the same. Why did I pay full price for this? I never feel bad for the students with that look on their face, because they could have easily entered the dining center 10 minutes prior when it was actually open and gotten to experience everything. So why should I feel discouraged when I walk into a door I know was supposed to be closed and walk away with less than I desired? I knew what I was walking into.

I'm learning that entering those accidental doors is basically the same thing as breaking into a locked one. The doors in life that are open are open for a reason. I didn't walk away completely empty handed when I walked into the wrong door. I've learned some valuable lessons every time I've entered those doors. But it's occurred to me that when I open the right doors, I don't struggle as much. Things just kind of fall into place. It's interesting to me how that works. But I think it speaks to how much I'm always trying to control what happens in my own life instead of sitting back for a minute and waiting for the closed sign to flicker "open".

Let's talk about suicide

September is suicide prevention month. This topic has always been near to my heart so I'm gonna take this opportunity to speak my mind. Suicide is a serious topic that lot of people are uncomfortable talking about. It's understandable to be uncomfortable about something so deep and powerful. How do you talk to someone who wants to end their life? It's terrifying to think that you could be the person to change someones mind or show them the light. That's a lot of responsibility to hold. Throughout my life I've been in multiple conversations that involved a friend or friend of a friend needing help. And every time I pawned it off to an adult that I thought could help....well now I'm the adult and I have potential to be that person that I would have gone to as a kid. Am I gonna know what to do if I'm ever in that situation? I'd like to think I will because as a kid, I was also questioning my own life. I went and got the help I needed, and now I would never hesitate to ask someone if they are ok. That simple question could be life or death for that person...literally.

For the majority of my life I struggled with depression. By the time junior high rolled around the depression was just a constant cloud that followed me every day. I was visibly unhappy, although I tried to fake a good smile. I just couldn't find any joy in life. I tried my hardest to stay happy after my friends went home, but at night the only thing I could think about was a different life. I didn't like the one I was in. I just felt stuck. These feelings followed me into high school which is absolutely the last place those feelings should be. High school means new cliques, new experiences, and hormones. All of those things overwhelmed me. Those feelings of not liking the life I was in quickly grew to not wanting to be alive, I couldn't get away from those thoughts. I spent hours and hours online looking up ways to kill myself and wrote a new suicide note every night. I never had the courage to do anything permanent thank God, but there were nights that I came close. I would hear about kids I knew who had gone through with it and I was actually jealous of them. Nothing I did stopped these thoughts. Nothing. The depression was unbearable I eventually got so desperate that I told someone about how I was feeling and immediately got surrounded by love. That person stuck his neck out for me and took an interest. He reached out to my family and made my mom aware of how I was feeling. From there I started a long journey of discovering a life without depression.

What I've learned throughout the years of battling depression is this: Depression isn't somebodies fault. It's your body's reaction to life experiences. You don't always get to control that. For me I've learned that the things I can't change, are just that. I can't change them so why worry about them? Because it's my bodies natural response to be negative, I have learned to communicate with people. It's a work in progress, but talking to people makes the difference. Keeping your loved ones informed can save someone who struggles with depression. Suicide is preventable 99% of the time, but someone with depression may not have it in them to speak up. It's important to get to know your loved ones. Ask them how they are really doing and stop settling for the fake answer, Most of us are smart enough to know when someone is hurting. It's usually written all over their face and body language.

There are those times when it's impossible to tell that someone you know is hurting because they hide it so well. It's those times that make this month so important. Raising awareness about suicide can save someones life. It gives someone struggling breathing room and lets them know it's OK to be sad, but there is help available. Depression can be embarrassing because it's the ultimate act of vulnerability to tell someone you don't have control of your life. This month is about letting people know there's someone out there willing to help you gain that control back. I told a little bit of my story above to encourage those reading this that things get better. If you or someone you know struggles with depression, check in on them. This month is about coming together and showing those we love that we care.

pushing forward

I remember this one time my dad took me to a dog show when I was younger. I've always had a fascination with dogs and this show couldn't have been more exciting. The problem was that I was also terrified of dogs. So once we got to the show I relied on my dad to keep me safe. I was unsure of every corner and kept looking back for assurance that everything was going to be ok. Had my dad not been there, I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go.

Today at church, the pastor mentioned that having fear is ok, because God has your back. When he mentioned that, I immediately thought back to that scenario with my dad and the dogs. I've not been able to stop thinking about this all day. Time after time in my life I have relied on someone having my back in order to move forward. The idea of having somebody to back you up and cheer you on is comforting. It's amazing to me though, how often I try and do life alone. There hasn't been a time where being alone was more effective than having someone by my side. People push us to move forward.

Fear is a constant monster I battle in my life. It comes with the anxiety. Most days I'm able to forget those fears exist, but there are times when that feeling overwhelms me. Maybe it's a pride thing, but trying to deal with it alone before asking for help is just my natural response. And I've noticed that's true for many people. About the time we realize we can cross the street without holding mom's hand is when we realize independence is awesome. And every child is in a rush to continue to gain independence until the moment they move out for the first time. The world is less scary when you have the comfort of home to fall back on. But when the going gets really rough, even the toughest adult breaks and asks for help. Pride is no match for self defeat. Nothing tears me apart more than thinking I failed. I hate not being able to move forward. And it's in times like this that relying on those people in my corner becomes important. They are able to remind me that it's going to be ok...just give it time. Hang in there. And all of a sudden things aren't as scary because I know that I've got someone beside me when I become unsure. Someone that's there to feed off of and learn from. I can try all I want to be a loner, but in the end I always find my way back to people. Life is not getting any easier for me lately, so hearing that message today in church was a great reminder to seek people out when I'm sacred I can't do it alone.

A page from the A.D.D. diaries

Something that has always irritated me is when people say their ADD is getting to them. That stupid overused stigma of starting a sentence and being stopped midway through because you see a squirrel. That's not ADD. As this frustrates me to much because the people that actually do suffer with ADD are overlooked. Yeah, there are those "squirrel" moments, but ADD is so much more than that. I'm constantly dealing with a personal war when it comes to my ADD. There are times when days or weeks go by that I'm not able to kick a certain thought or feeling. I process it over and over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm in a conversation with someone, in the back of my head that thought is creeping. I try to distract myself with music or conversation, but sure enough I find myself mesmerized by this thing. Nothing is more agonizing than trying to sleep with my head racing. This inability to shut my brain off has me feeling like I'm going insane some days. There are times when I'm too overwhelmed to leave the house because I've conjured up some scenario in my head that I'm just assuming is going to happen because that's where my head takes me. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I also deal with anxiety. But the ADD is what prevents me from moving on. And talking to people? HA. I'm so deep in my head that it's almost impossible to reach me. It's like talking to a zombie sometimes. I'm not intentionally trying to avoid or ignore people...it just...happens. There's no explaining it. It's almost like in the movies when you see the screen freeze and the persons' ghost leaves the body but the body stays behind and keeps doing things. My thoughts are up with that ghost until I snap out of it and the screen unfreezes and that body "rejoins" the conversation. Some days it's like I spend the entire 24 hours in "ghost mode". Days blend together, and it feels like weeks go by before I even realize it. That's where I'm at now. It's been weeks and my friend just made it out of the ICU. You'd think I'd be really excited about that, (and don't get me wrong I'm stoked), but most of me is still terrified for her. She's in no way out of danger and there's still not a thing I can do about it. Mentally I still feel like I did since the minute I found out she entered the hospital. I've not been able to process any of my emotions. I've only been able to go over and over and over in my head all the things that can go wrong.

Work has been my saving grace in all of this. It's a forced distraction. I'm not able to just skip out on going to work because it turns out you can't do that when you're an adult. ...High school did have it's perks. So I'm forced to engage in conversation. It's turned out to be incredibly helpful to be in those conversations. I still have plenty of moments where I feel like I'm wondering around like a zombie, but those conversations have brought me to the now. I'm in the moment. And I find myself genuinely laughing and forgetting about things. I cherish these moments. They are the ones that force me out of bed in the morning when my body feels like it weighs 200 pounds. Even if I'm not completely interested in what the topic is about, it feels good to be a part of something that doesn't need to be fixed or solved. It's just a conversation. There's zero pressure to do anything. I can either laugh or participate or listen, but either way I'm just simply there...living in the moment. 

I've always had this feeling that everyone else deals with stress better than me. Bad things happen all the time, and it never seems like other people around me struggle with those times like I do. It's like they've all gotten the concept that conflict makes you stronger so they embrace it while I sit back and freak out. I don't get it. I know that comparing myself to others is going to leave me worse off, but I can't help but wonder why it feels like everyone else just "gets it". Some people are just wired differently. I'm sure I'm one of those people. I just wonder if anyone else if constantly feeling like I do when things that are out of my control come crashing down around me. Maybe it's because not everyone is as anxious as I am all the time, Maybe it's something else, but I'd like to get to a place where I feel like these things don't dominate my day. I'd like to get to a place where I set aside a few moments to deal with these things instead of allowing it to be on my head all day. 

Who has the mask?

People always say that in order to give the person next to you an oxygen mask, you've got to put one on first. What do you do when the mask is out of reach for both of you? No one ever talks about that. As my best friend sits in a hospital bed on life support, it feels like I too can't breathe. There's this feeling of helplessness that overwhelms me. Every emotion that I'm thinking is impossible to actually feel. I'm numb. I haven't even begun to process whats happening. The minute I do that it all becomes real. I sit here and try to think about the past. Memories of us sitting by the pool having drinks or staying up all night talking about life and boys. I've never met anyone like Tanis. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she takes control and makes the most of it. Tanis has always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. Actually, she insisted on it. And as I sit here tonight, that's exactly where I'm at. Nothing about this is comfortable. It's ironic as she fights for her life she's still forcing me to step out and take life by the horns.

Tanis wouldn't want me to sit around and worry about her. She'd be telling me to calm my ass down and go do something. Stop complaining and get over it. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to do just that, I've been running since I got the news. I took off work the day after because I thought I wouldn't be much use there. Well, it turns out that the reason she's always telling me to do something when I feel like this is because sitting with my thoughts is detrimental. It did me no good to sit at home and worry. I couldn't change anything from my couch and I lost money in the process. Being around people at least helps distract me from my thoughts. I always think it does the opposite so I end up trying to remove myself from everyone, including the people that are trying to be there for me. The most ridiculous part about all of that is the minute I walk away, I realize that I should stay but I'm just too stubborn to admit it and keep on walking. I think it's the thought of getting emotional that drives me to leave. Because others around me aren't in it, I just don't feel like they understand. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand and I'm terrified they might which also means I might be forced to deal with my emotions sooner than I'd like. Whatever it is, I run. Somehow it always seems easier than it really is.
 
I have always feared the unknown. My head immediately creates scenarios and rolls with them...all of them. Eventually after I've thought of every possible thing that could go wrong I panic. It's great. I've naturally been doing the same thing over the last 48 hours since I've received this news. No one knows what the next few days will bring. All I'm left with is hope. I know that situations like this will make me stronger, but right now I feel weak. There isn't a thing I can do to change whats going on. But I can't let this control me. How can something that I have no control over control me? Life is always gonna try and find a way to bring me down. This is no different. I'm smart enough to know that things like this happen. I can't change what already is. As I try and work through this, I'm remembering that God is the only one in control. The one thing that I know is that in the midst of my fear of the unknown, God is always constant. He is in the middle of this. To answer my original question about who supplies the mask when it feels like it's out of reach? God does. I don't have to have it together. I don't think anyone expects it. I'm just gonna do my best and try to remember that as the next few days unravel.

numb

I've never had a history of sleep walking, but over the last 24 hours or so it feels like that's what I've been doing. Bad news never has good timing. This time is no different. One of my best friends is fighting for her life right now, and I can't do a thing about it. I've been here before. I have zero effect on the outcome of this situation. Yet I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. My first initial reaction is to numb the pain any way I know how. I know it's the unhealthy choice to try and suppress my emotions, but I'm choosing to ignore that reality because being numb is so much easier. It's hard to think about the "what ifs" and the "maybes" when there is potential for someone to ask the dreaded "how are you" question right around every corner. How do I even answer that? No one is ever really looking for a full answer, it just happens to be the standard go to question because when it comes down to it, none of us know what else to say to someone dealing with this kind of heartache. I deal with it by not dealing with it until I'm forced to deal with it. I hate showing my emotions. Crying in front of people is just embarrassing. And then there's the talking. Like real talking. At some point it's necessary to work through emotions. I just find this so hard because telling someone how I feel doesn't change the reality of whats going on. It's just redundant. I feel like I end up pissing people off when they ask how I'm doing. I tell them, they listen and sometimes offer advice, and then look at me like I should be fixed for the time being because I let some shit off my chest. They have this face that says "why do you still look so sad?". Talking can be cool, but I don't feel like it gets me anywhere. To top it all off, there's anger...and a lot of it. I don't have an explanation as to why these kind of situations make me so angry, but in times like this I feel like snapping on anybody that gets in my path. None of this changes what's going on. It just makes the situation that much worse.

Every one of us deals with bad news differently. Some people throw themselves into work, and others find their closest friends to cling onto. I don't know the best way to deal with anything. This post isn't very encouraging or uplifting...but it's what I've got to offer.

Learning to shut my mouth

The other week I hit my head really hard on a towel rack in the bathroom. I was leaning too far forward and as I stood up, BANG! I learned something that day. I have successfully avoided another incident like that, as I'm sure I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Pain has a way of teaching you a lesson. The initial sting goes away, but there's a lasting mark that stays with you for much longer. People have been learning lessons like that for centuries. A child gets spanked when he does something stupid, and as a result learns to discontinue whatever it was he was doing. I was never really disciplined as a kid, so the only time I ever really learned from a mistake was when I got myself  hurt. Some kids were jealous of me growing up because my parents were more lenient. As a kid I absolutely loved the freedom I had. I've always been kind of reserved anyway, so I never did anything in public that could get around to my parents hearing about it. Over time I learned to be sneaky about the stupid shit I was doing. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was just a "good kid" and stayed out of trouble. They had no clue. While other kids were abiding by curfew and other rules I was off doing my own thing with my friends. I've actually always welcomed discipline in my life, because to me it showed someone cared enough to correct me. But not receiving any resulted in me kind of just doing my own thing. I had to figure out for myself what worked for me. Unfortunately, what works for me isn't what works for everyone else. And when that gets questioned I become defensive.  And mouthy. I'm starting to learn my mouth is going to get me in some serious trouble one day if I can't get it under control.

 I've always spoken my mind about things and have never really cared about what others thought about my opinions. I just kind of lack a filer. Lately, this has gotten me into some trouble. I'm slowly learning that as an adult, it's not so appreciated that I have an opinion about everything. Growing up, having an opinion was encouraged because it showed that I actually cared about something and that I was learning new things. Now it seems like having an opinion means that I'm questioning everyone I come into contact with. It also makes me seem self centered and arrogant. Sure, it's good to voice an opinion when someone is looking for it....but I kind of forget that daily. And most of my opinions contain language that it shouldn't. It turns out other people respect what I have to say much more when I'm not being a sailor. I've usually had enough sense to watch what I say in front of my superiors, but there have been a few close calls. I'm learning that not everyone agrees with my opinions, and not everyone wants me to share them.

Life is much more difficult without discipline. Rules are there for a reason. I'm beginning to understand why children shouldn't make rules. The world already has a way of doing things. Every child has a different opinion about how the world should work. And when a child is given the opportunity to go through life being allowed to express those opinions without correction, those opinions turn into reality for that child. She no longer questions how the world works, she just assumes what she thought about it initially was right. And because nobody corrected that, any time someone questions what she believes, it's considered an attack. Everyone SHOULD have opinions about things. That's normal. But it's also just as normal to accept that every other person also has an opinion and that we all have to meet in the middle somewhere. To a child that has been allowed to make their own rules, meeting in the middle isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of effort. There is so much violence and corruption in the world because there are individuals like myself who believe their opinions are more important than someone else's. Now, I'm not saying I'm a violent person, but I definitely feel frustration when something goes different than I think it should.

Hitting my head on a towel rack was a nice a quick lesson. Learning that I'm not always right isn't so instantaneous. I have to check myself daily. I'm slowly learning to appreciate the people that call me out. I've become a very defensive person in order to secure my opinions. My goal is to begin accept things aren't always going to turn out how I want. I've controlled so much of my life that it's really hard to let someone else be on control. It's hard to allow someone else to take the lead and show me how to do something differently. And it's really hard to take a step back and just let things happen. There have been recent situations in my life that I have zero control over, except how I react. Because I'm so opinionated I become extremely frustrated that I can't figure out how to fix it. In my head I know what should happen, but other people don't think like I do, so other people end up handling the situation differently than I would. I can't do a thing about it. One day at a time I'm learning to let God take control so I don't have to. I don't expect this to be a quick process, but I'm excited to see the potential I'll have as I continue to learn how to let go of myself.