A page from the A.D.D. diaries

Something that has always irritated me is when people say their ADD is getting to them. That stupid overused stigma of starting a sentence and being stopped midway through because you see a squirrel. That's not ADD. As this frustrates me to much because the people that actually do suffer with ADD are overlooked. Yeah, there are those "squirrel" moments, but ADD is so much more than that. I'm constantly dealing with a personal war when it comes to my ADD. There are times when days or weeks go by that I'm not able to kick a certain thought or feeling. I process it over and over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm in a conversation with someone, in the back of my head that thought is creeping. I try to distract myself with music or conversation, but sure enough I find myself mesmerized by this thing. Nothing is more agonizing than trying to sleep with my head racing. This inability to shut my brain off has me feeling like I'm going insane some days. There are times when I'm too overwhelmed to leave the house because I've conjured up some scenario in my head that I'm just assuming is going to happen because that's where my head takes me. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I also deal with anxiety. But the ADD is what prevents me from moving on. And talking to people? HA. I'm so deep in my head that it's almost impossible to reach me. It's like talking to a zombie sometimes. I'm not intentionally trying to avoid or ignore people...it just...happens. There's no explaining it. It's almost like in the movies when you see the screen freeze and the persons' ghost leaves the body but the body stays behind and keeps doing things. My thoughts are up with that ghost until I snap out of it and the screen unfreezes and that body "rejoins" the conversation. Some days it's like I spend the entire 24 hours in "ghost mode". Days blend together, and it feels like weeks go by before I even realize it. That's where I'm at now. It's been weeks and my friend just made it out of the ICU. You'd think I'd be really excited about that, (and don't get me wrong I'm stoked), but most of me is still terrified for her. She's in no way out of danger and there's still not a thing I can do about it. Mentally I still feel like I did since the minute I found out she entered the hospital. I've not been able to process any of my emotions. I've only been able to go over and over and over in my head all the things that can go wrong.

Work has been my saving grace in all of this. It's a forced distraction. I'm not able to just skip out on going to work because it turns out you can't do that when you're an adult. ...High school did have it's perks. So I'm forced to engage in conversation. It's turned out to be incredibly helpful to be in those conversations. I still have plenty of moments where I feel like I'm wondering around like a zombie, but those conversations have brought me to the now. I'm in the moment. And I find myself genuinely laughing and forgetting about things. I cherish these moments. They are the ones that force me out of bed in the morning when my body feels like it weighs 200 pounds. Even if I'm not completely interested in what the topic is about, it feels good to be a part of something that doesn't need to be fixed or solved. It's just a conversation. There's zero pressure to do anything. I can either laugh or participate or listen, but either way I'm just simply there...living in the moment. 

I've always had this feeling that everyone else deals with stress better than me. Bad things happen all the time, and it never seems like other people around me struggle with those times like I do. It's like they've all gotten the concept that conflict makes you stronger so they embrace it while I sit back and freak out. I don't get it. I know that comparing myself to others is going to leave me worse off, but I can't help but wonder why it feels like everyone else just "gets it". Some people are just wired differently. I'm sure I'm one of those people. I just wonder if anyone else if constantly feeling like I do when things that are out of my control come crashing down around me. Maybe it's because not everyone is as anxious as I am all the time, Maybe it's something else, but I'd like to get to a place where I feel like these things don't dominate my day. I'd like to get to a place where I set aside a few moments to deal with these things instead of allowing it to be on my head all day. 

Who has the mask?

People always say that in order to give the person next to you an oxygen mask, you've got to put one on first. What do you do when the mask is out of reach for both of you? No one ever talks about that. As my best friend sits in a hospital bed on life support, it feels like I too can't breathe. There's this feeling of helplessness that overwhelms me. Every emotion that I'm thinking is impossible to actually feel. I'm numb. I haven't even begun to process whats happening. The minute I do that it all becomes real. I sit here and try to think about the past. Memories of us sitting by the pool having drinks or staying up all night talking about life and boys. I've never met anyone like Tanis. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she takes control and makes the most of it. Tanis has always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. Actually, she insisted on it. And as I sit here tonight, that's exactly where I'm at. Nothing about this is comfortable. It's ironic as she fights for her life she's still forcing me to step out and take life by the horns.

Tanis wouldn't want me to sit around and worry about her. She'd be telling me to calm my ass down and go do something. Stop complaining and get over it. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to do just that, I've been running since I got the news. I took off work the day after because I thought I wouldn't be much use there. Well, it turns out that the reason she's always telling me to do something when I feel like this is because sitting with my thoughts is detrimental. It did me no good to sit at home and worry. I couldn't change anything from my couch and I lost money in the process. Being around people at least helps distract me from my thoughts. I always think it does the opposite so I end up trying to remove myself from everyone, including the people that are trying to be there for me. The most ridiculous part about all of that is the minute I walk away, I realize that I should stay but I'm just too stubborn to admit it and keep on walking. I think it's the thought of getting emotional that drives me to leave. Because others around me aren't in it, I just don't feel like they understand. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand and I'm terrified they might which also means I might be forced to deal with my emotions sooner than I'd like. Whatever it is, I run. Somehow it always seems easier than it really is.
 
I have always feared the unknown. My head immediately creates scenarios and rolls with them...all of them. Eventually after I've thought of every possible thing that could go wrong I panic. It's great. I've naturally been doing the same thing over the last 48 hours since I've received this news. No one knows what the next few days will bring. All I'm left with is hope. I know that situations like this will make me stronger, but right now I feel weak. There isn't a thing I can do to change whats going on. But I can't let this control me. How can something that I have no control over control me? Life is always gonna try and find a way to bring me down. This is no different. I'm smart enough to know that things like this happen. I can't change what already is. As I try and work through this, I'm remembering that God is the only one in control. The one thing that I know is that in the midst of my fear of the unknown, God is always constant. He is in the middle of this. To answer my original question about who supplies the mask when it feels like it's out of reach? God does. I don't have to have it together. I don't think anyone expects it. I'm just gonna do my best and try to remember that as the next few days unravel.

numb

I've never had a history of sleep walking, but over the last 24 hours or so it feels like that's what I've been doing. Bad news never has good timing. This time is no different. One of my best friends is fighting for her life right now, and I can't do a thing about it. I've been here before. I have zero effect on the outcome of this situation. Yet I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. My first initial reaction is to numb the pain any way I know how. I know it's the unhealthy choice to try and suppress my emotions, but I'm choosing to ignore that reality because being numb is so much easier. It's hard to think about the "what ifs" and the "maybes" when there is potential for someone to ask the dreaded "how are you" question right around every corner. How do I even answer that? No one is ever really looking for a full answer, it just happens to be the standard go to question because when it comes down to it, none of us know what else to say to someone dealing with this kind of heartache. I deal with it by not dealing with it until I'm forced to deal with it. I hate showing my emotions. Crying in front of people is just embarrassing. And then there's the talking. Like real talking. At some point it's necessary to work through emotions. I just find this so hard because telling someone how I feel doesn't change the reality of whats going on. It's just redundant. I feel like I end up pissing people off when they ask how I'm doing. I tell them, they listen and sometimes offer advice, and then look at me like I should be fixed for the time being because I let some shit off my chest. They have this face that says "why do you still look so sad?". Talking can be cool, but I don't feel like it gets me anywhere. To top it all off, there's anger...and a lot of it. I don't have an explanation as to why these kind of situations make me so angry, but in times like this I feel like snapping on anybody that gets in my path. None of this changes what's going on. It just makes the situation that much worse.

Every one of us deals with bad news differently. Some people throw themselves into work, and others find their closest friends to cling onto. I don't know the best way to deal with anything. This post isn't very encouraging or uplifting...but it's what I've got to offer.