We are the "red block"

You know that game sliding block game? The one where there are a bunch of blocks in a square and you have to move them around to get the single red block through the opening? That game reminds me of life. If you've ever played it, there are different difficulty levels, each obviously getting harder as you progress. If you've played you've probably also noticed that it seems like there is an unending amount of levels to go through. Pushing the red block through the opening only leads you to another box full of blocks. It never ends! Sometimes when I sit down to play it, I get SO frustrated, that I end up walking away for a few days. It appears I'm never going to get to the opening, but then out of nowhere I find a path that leads me to where I need to be. When I get through the opening I'm so excited...even with the knowledge that I'm entering another obstacle course. Getting through that hole after I thought I couldn't gives me the confidence boost I need to enter the next box with a burst of energy. The cycle continues to repeat itself. It doesn't stop. Just like life we have to keep on pushing through blocks to get to where we're going. It's easy sometimes, but other times it stops you flat on your feet and forces you to stop. We are called to keep on pushing, even when it seems like there are no more options. There is never going to be an opening where there aren't blocks on the other side. Having confidence you can get through the blocks is what makes the difference. The good news is that God has the ability to give us all that confidence if we chose to let him. All we have to do is let go of our pride and say "yes" to His help.

For me, it turns out saying "yes" isn't easy, but I'm slowly getting there. I didn't realize how prideful I have become until about a year ago when I accepted Christ into my heart. The barriers that have been put up because of my pride are preventing me from moving forward. It's taking more time than I thought it would to make a dent in the walls I built. It's like a trap sometimes because my pride is part of the reason those walls are built, but it's my pride that is getting in my way of breaking them down. Thank God we are not called to do this alone. Right now I'm relying on other people to help break my pride, but I need to be giving that to God. All people struggle with pride, so I suppose going to someone who doesn't makes more sense. It seems easier to go to people because they are available in the flesh. I know God is there, but I don't feel like I can go to Him. I'm trying to figure out how to get to a place where I can let go of this and give it to God. Prayers are totally welcome. :)

I'm a snail on the shore of a salty river

I have a commitment problem. Wow. What a way to start out a blog. So. Commitment. Committing to things for me is like a snail committing to cross a river of salt. I'm walking into the situations assuming the worst. It's not that I don't want to commit to things, it's that I'm scared to. Besides spiders, failure is my biggest fear. Because I've failed at so many other things I've committed to going, I've got it in my head that the next time I decide to commit to something it's not going to turn out well. This is the case when it comes to my commitment to follow Christ. I made a commitment to follow Him when I was baptised, and so far I believe I've failed. He has called me to be a different person, but the things He wants me to do in order to become that person seem impossible. I'm going to be completely honest here and say that I haven't really tried as much as I should because of my fear of the unknown. Letting go of fears means I would have to fully rely on God and no longer rely on myself, my pride, and other people. every step of this is so hard! I've struggled with being a failure my entire life, and part of me doesn't want to accept the mission. BUT...I know what God has called me to do, and it recently occurred to me that I don't want to let God down. I've been terrified of letting people down all my life, but I've never been concerned with letting God down. In the past I've taken leaps of faith and trusted God, but when I failed I only thought about what other people thought of me. I wasn't concerned with the fact that God had to be hurting, or the fact that I had never really trusted Him in the first place. I need to stop relying on people and start relying on God. I need to focus on what God is thinking and not sit around and wait for Him to do the work. I have to actually try though in order to trust God. I have to have faith and break down my pride. I think God would be more disappointed that I didn't listen to his clear calling, rather than not get the job done right the first time. I'm still scared to take the first step because I don't think I'm ready. But I suppose I need to seriously think about taking that step, because if I never do, then how am I supposed to change anything?

We must stop treating love like an emotion

What are feelings? For example, "guilt". What is guilt? It's definitely not tangible like love, which I would argue "love" is, but unlike love, it's a feeling and I wasn't born with guilt. I had to learn guilt, like I have to learn how to hate. If guilt wasn't wired into our system, then why is it so powerful? Things like guilt, anger, jealousy, and so on are all distractions to joy, patience, peace, kindness, etc. Then again, distraction or not, don't these emotions have potential to draw us closer to the love of Jesus and the emotions that come with that. I wonder, if we take "love" with us when we die, do we also take the feelings associated with "love"? On the other hand, if we don't take feelings with us when we die, but we take love, then our feelings here on Earth must serve a purpose, right? Also, if anger is the opposite of joy, then wouldn't hate be the opposite of love? Does that make "hate" more than a feeling? If God chooses "love" to enter heaven, then I would also assume those who "hate" end up elsewhere.

Hebrews 12:2  that says, "looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God", implying that joy is experienced after death. I would also have to assume it would be impossible to not feel emotions as the result of the overflow of love in Heaven. If one emotion is felt after death, then doesn't logic tell us that all emotions are capable of being felt? But if just "love" is experienced in Heaven, then aren't we are restricted to only feel the emotions that result from love which include things like joy? How do we fully experience anything if there are restrictions? This leads me to think there has to be a difference in the joy and anger we experience here on Earth compared to the joy we experience in Heaven. When Jesus is talking to his disciples in John 16, he is telling them of his future fate. In verse 22 he says, "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." Jesus himself implies there will be an abundance of joy experienced after death...a joy that no one can take away. If this joy cannot be taken like Jesus has said, then it also means grief and guilt and shame are also emotions we will never feel again! Isn't this evidence that there is a difference in the feelings we experience on Earth and in Heaven?

So what do we do with our emotions and feelings while we are here on Earth? What purpose do they have? We have an ultimate purpose, and that is to love. Emotions come fourth as a result of  things like love and hate like I mentioned before, so is there something more we should be doing with our emotions beside feel them? We can spread love, but can we spread emotions? It's interesting to me that people are so influenced by other peoples emotions, yet emotions are usually a result of things we personally experience. Why do we feed off of each others emotions so much? Are we all individually connected to the same Love (God), so as a result we all experience the same emotions differently? The properties of Love never change, but we all experience emotions on different levels and at different times. So again, is there a separate purpose to our emotions? I feel like too often we let our negative emotions influence our purpose to spread the love of Jesus, when in reality negative emotions don't have anything to do with the positive actions of Love because actions and feelings are two different things. We are here to act on the Love that was given to us. To me that means emotions shouldn't ultimately effect the outcome of Love in someones life. What if feelings were meant to produce another action? What if feelings were meant to produce perseverance? When we persevere through our emotions we experience joy. When we don't persevere, we experience sadness or other emotions. Love never changed through either path of perseverance, right? So if Love doesn't change, and emotions do, then love and emotions must be separate.

In my own life, I feel like it's going to be extremely important to keep reminding myself of the difference in emotions and love. I already know the difference, but in the heat of the moment I don't always make the best choices because my feelings get the best of me.I'm in the process of learning to trust God when it comes to my emotions, just like I'm learning how to trust Him when it comes to love. They are two separate things, and I need to fully learn how to treat them that way. Otherwise I'm going to continue this awful cycle of walking away from the church when I don't feel connected. Even Jesus was disconnected from God on the cross when He took our sin. Our sin is the reason we feel disconnected from God. But God proved that he loves us even after we sin when he rise Jesus from the grave! I pray that I can understand what it means to love God with everything I am.

tomAto, tomato: same thing, right?

I was thinking about the whole "tomato" pronunciation thing. There is this lady that comes into the Subway I work at, and when she asks for tomato's she says it with the "ah" sound instead of the "a" sound. (for the record, this is freaking awesome to hear and it was a lifelong dream to hear someone say tomato like that! love it.) What got me thinking was that I still knew what she was referring to. The tomato with the "ah" sound holds the exact same qualities as the tomato with the "a" sound, because they are the same thing. Why is it so easy then to make the connection in the difference of the pronunciation of tomato's, but we constantly fail to make the connection that Jesus is God. They are the exact same, just with a different pronunciation right?

God just has many pronunciations instead of only two. Father, friend, counselor, neighbor, savior, Lord, and king are just a few. ALL of them hold the exact same qualities as God. If this is the case, then shouldn't it be way easier to "reach for the right God" when we ask for Him by name? Why have we made is so difficult to recognize God in everyday situations? It's like we don't know what He looks like, so we end up grabbing something else. What if I would have grabbed green peppers when the lady asked for tom"ah"tos? I would have probably looked like a jackass, but I'd also look really stupid because it's pretty obvious what she asked for. In the same way, isn't it foolish to ask God for something and then take something else because you couldn't recognize that God is obviously in front of you? Had I grabbed the peppers, I'm sure I would have been corrected until I grabbed the right thing. In the same way, I feel like the body of Christ should correct those who "grab the wrong God" until they know for sure that what they have is the right thing. God is the same no matter what form He is in, just like tomato's are. Sometimes it just takes a little help to see Him.

I'm stuck in a storm

I've been pretty distant from my blog lately, because honestly I don't know what to write. I don't feel like I have anything important to say, or any "words of wisdom" to share. Life is funny like that. One minute you can't wait to shout from a mountain top the things you've been learning, and other times you want nothing more than to hide out from the world until the clouds pass over. Just like some people are effected by the changes in the weather, I'm being effected by the changing seasons in my own life. Learning how to deal with the different obstacle's life presents isn't easy to do. When you try and do it yourself, like I've been doing, it becomes a million times harder. Guilt is a trap. It feeds your mind bullshit and convinces you that you're on your own. It makes you feel like no one else could possibly understand exactly what you're going through because It tells you that "you are different". The truth of the matter is, is that God is bigger than all of that crap. If the truth is so easy to see, then why is it so hard to follow? I'm in a place where the lies seem more believable than the truth, and I don't know how to escape. I feel vulnerable and helpless. I wish God was here to have a conversation with so someone could know exactly how I feel. I'm frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to get through this on my own. I'm more frustrated that going to church doesn't seem to help. Why doesn't it feel like God is helping me? Trust? What am I doing wrong, and how do I make it right. When I first came to Jesus I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I'm right back in it. I don't think I'm strong enough to make the decisions I need to make on my own in order to get to a place where I can feel content. I know what needs to be done, but I'm lacking the confidence it's the right choice for me...or if it's really going to make a difference.

so that's that. word vomit is all I got.

New Life

My nephew was born on August 8th, 2011 at a healthy 7 pounds 9 ounces, and I couldn't be more excited. The entire process of waiting for him to arrive was awesome! It blows my mind that a tiny blob on a piece of photo paper turned into an absolutely beautiful baby boy. Getting to hold him for the first time was amazing. His cheeks are so dang soft and his nose is all tiny. He has the cutest little ears and a butt load of hair on his head. Everything is so tiny! Even his little eyelashes! Oh my are they cute! They are the tiniest little hairs I've ever seen on a human being. I love everything about him!! Sitting there with him sleeping in my arms, I got to thinking about how truly breathtaking like is. He is so fragile and dependant on literally everyone around him to live. This child has no idea how to do anything on his own except breathe. It's really amazing that every one of us are like that when we first enter the world. Our parents are our life line. Without someone to love us and care for us, we would be helpless.

In the same way, we should also be just as dependant on God. When I was holding the little guy, I got to wondering how Adam felt when he first entered the world. What was his first immediate reaction to the things around him? Did he cry out for someone to touch him? Was he completely lost and looking for some sort of guidance? I have to think he was instantly searching for something. Had God not made His presence known, where do you think we would be today? I just love the idea of God being a personal God. Can you imagine giving birth to a child you love so dearly and instead of embracing him immediately in hugs and kisses and showing him how to live, you sit back on the sidelines and say nothing? Studies have shown that in order for a child to survive once he's out of the womb, he MUST have physical contact with another human being. Isn't our relationship with God pretty dang similar? I love that God wants to do life with us, just as much as a new parent wants to do life with their child! He wants to be there every step of the way and watch his children grow. Parents want to rejoice with their children, and hold them when they cry. I cannot wait to see my brother become the best dang dad I've ever seen. My nephew is one lucky little man. It's going to be such an awesome experience to watch him grow up and become his own person. I pray that he grows up to be healthy, intelligent, and that he has a strong relationship with Jesus. I personally can't wait to watch him discover the world!

Love; my hero

"What is a hero?" That was a common question I heard growing up in school a lot. I always loved hearing that question, because it meant I got to write a paper about a hero in my life. I remember always writing about my favorite cartoon or comic book character. If I knew my parents would have a chance to read my work, I'd write about them. I never really put much thought into the question until I got older. When I was in elementary school, I only cared about the physical features of the people I considered to be a hero. They were always strong, and most always a man. Hey, someone had to kill the bad guys...right? Today, a hero is much more than a football star to me.

So who is the current hero in my life? I'd be lying if I said I had just one hero in my life. There are plenty of people in my life that fit the criteria of being a hero to me. My parents, my friends, and my pastors are just a few. Call me a hippie, but the real hero in my life is Love. Every one of the people that I consider to be a hero are the most living people I know. To me, if you can love then you can be someones hero. I don't think a hero has to save the world or solve every problem. I just think a hero has to love you enough to be there in your life. The best hero's in my life let me fail and show up when I need help bailing myself out of the mess I just created. They support me when it's obvious I have a really bad idea. The hero's in my life encourage me to do better and lift me up when I fall. My hero's are not afraid to tell me the truth, even if it hurts us both. They are generous, humble, funny, hard-working individuals. My hero's have faith in me and faith in other people. They also have a great faith in God. My hero's are trustworthy and patient and won't ever give up on me. They are helpful, and great at listening and communicating. The list could go on.

When I take a look at what a hero is to me, Love is in the center of it all. The reason the hero's in my life have all of those qualities I just listed, is because they also have Love in their lives. Christian or not, Love should always come first. Love is the reason we are alive, and Love gives us the motivation to keep on living. Without Love, nobody would have a hero, because nobody would care enough to be someones hero. Sometimes I think our childhood hero's let us down and we give up on the idea of a hero completely. This to me is why Love is my ultimate hero. Love doesn't let people down, it only helps them to become better. After all, isn't that what a hero is supposed to do?

My Father's house

This was a small part of a previous blog I have posted. I wanted to share it again, but elaborate on it a little bit. I feel like God has been trying to teach me again the importance of having a stable father figure in life. This is a lesson that I think I'm going to have to re-learn many times throughout my life. I'm thankful God is there to teach me and guide me.

“Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” - Luke 2:49

Every one of us has a father here on earth. And every one of us at some point or another feels disconnected with our father. Some of us may have great relationships with out fathers, while others may have never met him. There are also those who rely on a respectable male figure in their life to serve as a father figure. Jesus was one of those children. Joseph, the husband of Mary and father to Jesus, isn't actually responsible for the birth of his son. God was. Joseph did however did raise Jesus and guide him in the right direction at a young age. As time went on though, Jesus began to feel a disconnection with Joseph. I feel like every one of us can relate to that. As I was reading this verse an overwhelming sense of comfort came over me. God will always be the perfect father...no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing our earthly fathers. But in those moments when it's hard to find that fatherly connection it is really awesome to know that God is there, waiting for us to come to him. He won't steer us in the wrong direction, or tell us we aren't worthy of love. Jesus is at every soccer game and He's there when a close friend dies. God is a father that displays a positive influence to His children.

In my own life, my dad is an amazing person. He has such a good heart and an amazing work ethic. He has provided for his family, he's playful and hilarious, and he is a great cook! There isn't a single person on this planet that I love more than my father. I'm so blessed to have a father that loves me. Like any other relationship though, my dad and I have our issues. He doesn't speak my love language so I often don't feel like he loves me as much as I think he should. My dad also has a temper. In moments where I needed my dad to be there, he has failed to show up. But my dad is human. I love him just the same even if he has made some mistakes. I've made the same mistakes, so who am I to judge him? The problem is, in the heat of the moment when I feel like I need my dad and he isn't there in the way I need him to be, I get upset. Lately though, in those moments God has come down to meet me where I'm at and remind me that my dad is only human. God is there to remind me that my dad loves me. Not only that, it's in those moment where my heavenly Father shows me how faithful He is. One day my dad won't be here on this earth with me. That is going to break my heart, but I am confident that with Christ in me, I will get through anything. I'm so thankful for what God has given me. My life has never been easy, but God has blessed me with a kind heart and with the gift to love people regardless of circumstance. He has also given me what I need to survive. When my dad can no longer provide for his family, God will. God provides for every one of His children! Jesus, God's only child died on the cross so that you and I could experience that love forever! Sacrificing your life is probably the biggest act of love there is, and God came down in human form to do just that for every single human being on this planet!! I don't know about you, but I'd say God is a pretty awesome father!

The reality of God

Wow. It's been so long since I've blogged! I'll just dig right in.

I was thinking about how often I question what's in front of me. I've been doing that my entire life. It's like a tick. I just have to know "why"...about everything. My quest to know "why" lead to me Christ, but it has also been a constant barrier in my life. So as I thought about it, it occurred to me that if I question whats in front of me, then aren't I allowing my imagination to become a reality as well? Questioning my reality would make things like "what could have been" or "what might be" relevant. The problem with that is making those questions relevant would put me at a place where I could never be content. I think that with God in the picture, I wouldn't really need to question things like that because He is all knowing. If God is all knowing then it means that He will let me know what I need to know on His time, not mine. If I know everything the minute God did, then in theory, God wouldn't be the God that I read about in the bible. Maybe I don't even need to know what I'm questioning? Maybe the "why?" I'm asking about isn't even a question? For example, there is no question that everyone dies, so I guess that means when I ask "why did it happen?" or "when will it happen?" isn't relevant to be asking. It's not even a question at all. It's a fact. God knows why, I don't. I suppose life isn't really about the "why" as much as it's about "what is." If I made the "why" or "what could be" more important than Jesus, then I start to run into problems. I honestly think that it's unavoidable to question the things I don't understand, but from what I'm learning, it's becoming clear that the questioning should always lead me back to Jesus, the only one that knows the answers. If He isn't answering the question I'm bringing to Him when I want, it might just be because I don't need to know yet.

I think it's great to ask God questions actually because I get to end up at a place where I know that God ultimately has control of the situation. I think failing to come to that conclusion would allow my imagination to take over the situation. I think Satin takes advantage of that. Walking through life focusing on unanswered questions is a reality in my life. Doing that has caused me to miss out on some great experiences because I was focusing on the wrong thing. There is a potential lesson to be learned in literally every situation in life, and God I think God rejoices when I learn. I think Satin also rejoices when I learn though. When I'm focused on the wrong thing, then I end up learning the hard way about things. I think Satin rejoices in those situations because doors are opened up for self destructive thinking or behavior. But when I'm focused on God in everyday situations, learning life's lessons are easy. I think God loves this because I'm being obedient to His word and trusting Him. The good news in by the grace of God, Satin doesn't get total control over learning those hard lessons. Maybe Satin is the one who allows my imagination to become a reality, instead of letting my imagination be a guide that leads me towards Truth? I'm just so grateful for God and the way he allows us to learn. I'm thankful or His timing.

Living today for a better tomorrow

While riding on the constitution trail the other day, I passed an older man riding his bike in the opposite direction I was going. As we approached each other a huge smile grew on his face. It was almost like we had known each other for years and he was just greeting an old friend. We both waved with big smiles and continued in our own direction. After we passed one another, my mind began to race. I started to think about the direction I wanted to take my own life. I couldn't help but wonder about the direction this man had taken his life. Why was he so excited to be outside? Why was he so happy in general? I see so many elderly folks that look so sad, almost like they are constantly thinking about the things they regretted doing or not doing throughout their lifetime. But this man seemed to be perfectly content on his bike enjoying the weather. I wondered if he was so content because he allowed God to lead his life? I thought about the elderly people I come into contact with in my own life. Some of them know God, and they are the happiest people I know. Others don't have a relationship with God and they just seem unhappy to be alive still. And then I thought about what I'm going to be like at an old age. I find myself thinking about that a lot actually. I wonder if I'm going to be proud of who I'm going to be in 60 years. Will other people be proud of me? When I die, will there be 1,000 people at my funeral, or just my family. What things will they say about me? Was I selfish, or did I go out of my way to make sure God was glorified in the things I did? Will my family think that I could have been around more? Did I let other people around me compromise my character?

As I thought about these things, my mind started to race. I found myself hoping that one day I can be like the old man I saw on my bike. I want to be 60 and still be able to enjoy a bike ride. I want to be able to say that I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to have a family that loves me and I want to love my family in return. I want to be able to say that I listened to God and let him lead me. I want to retire from a job that I love doing, not from a job that puts more food on the table than I need. I really want to be able to tell my grandchildren about God. I want to become "that" grandma...that one that has her hands raised in the air at church and quotes scripture from memory on a daily basis. I want to tell them with confidence that God is faithful, but you have to trust Him. I want to let them know that you're never too young or too old to let God teach you something, and never to frail to be used by God. When I'm that age, I simply want to know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that it was God who lead me there, not myself.

I don't want to be 60 and grumpy. I want to be that jolly old lady who loves Jesus, family, and cats. When I passed that man on the trail it hit me that if I want to be that happy when I'm his age, I have to start now. At this point in my life, I constantly feel like I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to become. What I do know for sure, is that God is trying to lead me. The man on the bike reminded me that we are all on the same trail, but we are all traveling at different speeds and in different directions. The other people on the trail can help me and encourage me, but it's ultimately up to me to end up at the right destination. This means that I have to start trusting God and stop losing faith when it's taking longer than I want to get over a particular hill on the trail. God is always going to be here for me, but I don't always see that at the time. I look at other people and think that I should be going as fast as them or I think that the direction they are moving in seems easier than where I'm going. When I do that, I end up thinking where I'm at isn't good enough. That's actually not the case at all though. I'm just looking to other people to guide me and direct me instead of looking to God to direct me. If I tried to keep up with the biker who is going twice as fast as me, then eventually I would end up holding him back or falling behind. And if I tried to keep the slower pace the old man was going, I'd end up passing him and he would end up holding me back. But if I were to try and keep up with God it's be simple because He is going at my pace. I don't have to race to catch up to Him and I don't have to slow down to let Him catch up with me. God has always been, and will always be right there beside me helping me and pushing me when I don't think I can go another inch. I have to learn to let go of other people and hold on to God with everything I am. If I want the happiness I saw in that old man, I need to learn to rely on God, not others around me. I'm not any of those people on the trail. I am me. And the direction and speed I am going is what's best for me, not them. God made the trail big enough for everyone so we can encourage one another while we're on it, but ultimately He is the one who made it so He is the only one who can lead us in the direction it was intended to go. I think that the trail has a bunch of different ways to get to the end, but I think that only God knows the right path for each individual to get there. Having faith and trusting God is the only way to know for sure if the path I'm on is right. If I step off the trail for a minute or turn myself around at the wrong point, I know that God will let me know and help guide me back in the right direction. I'm only 21. I have awhile until I'm 60 and content. Until then, I want to keep learning how to let God get me there. I don't want to keep thinking that I will never have the happiness that old man has any longer. I want to learn how to be content with the direction God is taking me now and stop thinking about what could be in my future. If I can continue to take leaps on faith now, and trust God and not people, then I don't think that my future is going to have a problem. My future will have a problem though, if I continue to look at were other people are at and think I can't get there. God will get me there on His own time. My job is to follow Him even when I feel discouraged, and let Him get me there.

Life is one giant growth spurt

In a past blog I mentioned the idea that God gave us time to appreciate eternity more. Basically, we have to live in order to choose Love and fully appreciate the sacrifice made on the cross. But I'd like to take that thought in a different direction for a minute. As I was thinking about us and the world and how it's necessary for us to be in the world to appreciate it, I started to think about my identity. Who IS Sarah Giese? The bible tells me that I am God's child, but the bible also talks about how the world trys to destroy who I am in Christ. Lately, that couldn't be more true. Over the last few weeks I have been feeling really crappy about who I am. I've been questioning my self worth and doubting my abilities to be the person I know Christ has called me to be. God has been speaking to me very clearly through some people...more clear than I've EVER heard Him. But instead of listening to Him, I have been fighting to try to prove to Him and everyone else I can get to where I need to be on my own. Fighting who Christ wants me to be has only made this identity crisis worse. For some reason I've got it in my head that it should be easy to know who I am in Christ and live that out. And when things don't go how I think they should, I get very angry at myself for failing at being a better person. Basically, my pride needs serious adjustment. I get way to caught up in what the world thinks of me instead of what Christ thinks of me. I have this idea that because I'm not "perfect" in the eyes of the world, I could never be perfect in the eyes of God. This brings me back to that idea of the necessity of living on earth in order to appreciate eternity more. As I was thinking more about this idea it occurred to me that having an identity crisis can be a good thing.

I think that each of us has two identities; one identity in the world, and one in Christ. That being said, I don't think either of those two identities will be carried with us when we die. From a Christian standpoint, I think it's easy to understand that the identity of the world won't be the identity we hold in heaven. But from that same standpoint I don't think it's as easy to see that our identity in Christ that we hold here while living will be different from the identity we have in Christ in heaven. No matter how hard we all try, the world WILL influence us during our time here on Earth. Before I became a Christian, I wasn't concerned with how God thought of me. I was only concerned about what my family, friends, and myself thought of me. I was concerned with the world. But after I accepted Christ into my life I began to see the differences in my identity. In Christ I am no longer who I was before, instead I'm becoming who He wants me to be...not who I or my family and friends want me to be. The problem that I'm having now though is that I'm frustrated that my identity in Christ is still being influenced so strongly by the world. This is what I mean when I say I don't think our Christian identities here on Earth will be carried with us completely when we go to heaven because no matter what; however long we live in the world, we will be influenced by the world. Only when we get to heaven will our work here on earth be complete. Have you ever really thought about the flesh? Biblically speaking, the flesh is often related to the world. As I was thinking about this it occurred to me that our physical flesh and spiritual flesh aren't really that different from one another. As babies, our skin is very soft and things of the world make it easy to tear. As babies in Christ, our flesh is the same way. New ideas and concepts can either help us or harm us as we begin to grow. We need constant protection so the world cannot harm the flesh. As we begin to grow up, our flesh becomes more tough. Just as the lengthy exposure to the sun turns our skin to a tough leather, long exposure to the world hardens our Spiritual flesh and makes it difficult to soften. The ideas that once influenced us turn into our own opinions and we become hardened to new ideas because of the beliefs we now have set in stone. But as time progresses and we become older, the flesh that was hardened begins to soften again. As we become closer to death we realize what's important and once again we let God tear our flesh. Our flesh returns back to a similar state of being that it was in when we were children, only with more wrinkles. Near the end I think that God begins to soften that hardened flesh we gained throughout our lifetime. My point is that until the day I die, my flesh is going to be influenced and changed by my experience. Only when I die will I not be influenced by the world. Until I die I will never be completely who God wants me to be.

So until the day I die, I am becoming more like Christ. Because of that, I shouldn't feel the need to be so hard on myself and accept that when I "fail" I'm not really failing but succeeding at changing the identity of the world in me. When I give into the world, I'm learning what not to do to have a successful life outside of this world. The good news, the same news I often forget because of how hard I am on myself, is that God loves me always. It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, God loves me. Learning how to be who Christ wants me to be is the point of living here on earth. Learning to love God means learning to love myself. If I can't appreciate who I am, then I sure as heck can't appreciate that Christ was the one who made me. Because of my pride, I have this idea of perfection that I feel I should be living up to as it relates to who I am in Christ. When I mess us, in my head I've screwed everything up and won't be able to recover. I'll have to start over from square one. The problem in that thinking, which I'm becoming more aware of each day, is that Christian or not, I will never be perfect the way I think perfect should be. The bible tells us we are already perfect in Gods eyes, he is just making us more holy while here on earth. The world tells us otherwise. And because even as a Christian I'm so influenced by what the world thinks, I believe that I'm not ever going to reach holiness. As a human, I can't even begin to grasp what perfection is in God's eyes, so realistically I shouldn't be so focused on perfection at all. Humans don't even know what real perfection is because humans didn't create the concept of perfection; God did. That being said, nothing I ever do is going to be "perfect" if I'm judging perfection by my own standards. I think it is very necessary that we have two identities throughout our lifetime so that we can understand the difference of the world and eternity. So when I feel like I'm failing I need to try and remember I'm growing more into the person Christ is making me. Honestly, when my time on Earth is coming to an end, if I was to believe that I was done growing then it would mean I have come to believe the world no longer influences me. Christian or not, while I'm on earth, I'm of this world and therefore influenced by the world. If I didn't have to struggle with finding myself I could never fully appreciate who Christ is making me for eternity.

Fighting for Love

In the begining, God created man...and then he created woman. If your not familiar with the story, go read Gensis. God created us to be with people. Yes, God also wants us to have a relationship with him, but I also think it's very important to have good strong relationships with other people. Life was simply not meant to be lived alone. I'm aware that I have talked about this subject before in the blog, but I'm not going down the same road I did before. Instead, I'm gonna get more personal.

It's been about a month now since I quit smoking pot. As I've mentioned before, it is NOT easy and most days I really struggle to say no. But along with the struggle of not smoking, a new struggle has come about. I'm finding it very hard to relate to people, and in turn have become rather lonely. People have been surrounding me and supporting me, and don't get me wrong...it's really awesome! I apprciate those who have been supporting me so much and am thankful for God putting those people in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the pastors and friends I have are amazing. The problem I'm having though, is that even with all the support I have, there is a void in my heart. I think a lot of that has to do with my past, but a lot of it also has to do with some of the relationships I did have when I was smoking. I'm learning very quickly that the relationships I had with some of those people that I thought were close to me were for the most part, pretty surface level. Since I've stopped smoking, there is absolutely no substance to the relationships. The real problem with this, is that it is effecting the relationships I do have with the people who actually care about me. Because of those surface level relationships I have been in for so long, I am come to the realization that I am lacking intimacy in the relationships that matter to me. As a result, I am having a very hard time revieving love from people that are trying to send it my way. I hear people saying that they love me and all that...and I believe what they are saying is genuine, but I can't actully come to believe what they are telling me. I simply feel alone. Now, I'm not saying at all that I don't love my friends and pastors and other people in my life...I do SO much, more than you all know. The problem isn't with them loving me, it's with me loving me. Beacuse I have put so much of my identity into a drug for the last 8 years, I have kept myself from really "feeling" what love should feel like. Again, a lot of this also goes back to my childhood, but not all of it. I want SO bad to feel like I'm worth being loved by people....especially the people that should love me. But because of those surface level relationships, I need to re-learn how to recieve genuine love from people who love people, and not drugs. I also need to learn and discover more of my identity in Christ.

With certain people in my life, pot was a bonding tool. The problem is, those are the same people that I should automatically have a bond with. (if your confused about that statement, please message me and I'll explain, but because this is a public blog, I'm not going to here.) I just long so much to have that relationship with them like I have a relationship with pastors or other friends. Actually, even before the pot there was a lack of intimacy in those realtionships, but now even moreso after I've quit. When I was smoking I at least had something to say to those people, but without being high, having any interaction with them is just pointless sometimes. I'm NOT a fan of surface level relationships. I don't feel like they do anything for either party, but sometimes you can't control the people that are put into your life. You simply have to deal with it, and learn to love them anyways. I genuinely love these people with all my heart, but just because I love them does not mean I have the connection with them that I so strongly desire. And honestly, that hurts...a lot. I want the support from them, and I want to feel like they actually care about me. I love that there are people in my life that do actually care about my well-being, but again...I want that from these people as well. And like I said above, because I'm not recieving that, I'm struggling to recieve love from anyone. God did not intend life to be that way at all!

As I've been struggling to learn how to handle this, I have been digging into the Bible for some advice. I love what God has to say about all of this. I'm learning how to rely on Him as well as learning how to find my self worth in Christ, not in people. Honestly, even if you aren't struggling with the same things I am, I still feel like it's VERY important to make sure you find your worth in Christ, not people. People will always let you down at one point or another, but as I have been immercing myself into the word, I keep reading about God's faithfulness. God will never leave and will always love me. No matter what. It doesn't matter what I've done in my life, God will ALWAYS love me for me. Heck, He created me out of love. Why would He not love something He created?! The difference between humans and God is that humans have to learn how to love....God simply put is love. Huge difference in the two. How interesting is it though, that God already knows this? I got to thinking about that for a little while today. Why would God create us out of love, but make us so we have to learn how to love? Why? Because we have to chose to love Him back. He cannot force us to love Him, because foreced love is not real love, learned love is. But what's cool about that is, only we have to do the learning! God already knows how to love us unconditionally. You may say that's not fair, why would He force us to learn how to love Him? Honestly, I think that if we didn't have to learn how to love, then our existence would be pointless. There would be a permant void in our hearts. But Christians all over time have learned to love, and from learning that have discovred life. So the point of learning how to love IS our life purpose. So as we learn how to love God and come to understand He will always love us, we can also learn how to love people the way God loves us. Another cool thing about us having to learn how to love, yet knowing that God is love, is that if we mess up God is there to pick us right back up again. Humans can't say that for themselves. So often, if we wrong someone or someone has wronged us, we love that person a little less. God will never be that way. And I think He knew that when he created us. He knew we were all going to screw up love, but again, because He created us out of love, we will never lose that connection with Him. So as I struggle to "feel" love, I am learning that I first need to open up my heart fully to God and know that nothing I do will ever seperate me from Him, or make Him love me less. Growing up in a home where that message wasn't as clear as other homes has caused me to struggle with knowing for sure that God can love me no matter what.

I know I will continute to struggle letting people love me for the rest of my life, but I am learning pretty quickly that God will never lose that love He has for me. I think when I can fully understand that, letting other people love me will become more natural. But as I continue to learn this, I need to get off my butt and get more intentional with the people that already do love me...and actually let them love me instead of fighting it because of my own personal issue with love. By not getting intential with people and staying at home, I'm not allowing people to love me, and in turn not able to learn how to recieve their love so I can love them back. I will always love people like Christ...no matter what, but I need to start learning how to love people like humans love. Otherwise that intimacy I long for with humans will never fully develop. Having an intimate relationship with God is one thing, but having an intimate relationship with God's children is another thing. As as I said at the begining of this post, God intented us to love people, just like he intented us to love Him! Fighting love in those relationships is getting me nowhere, just like it's getting me nowhere to fight letting God love me.  I pray that God will soften my heart and help me grow in this area...for my sake, for His sake, and for the sake of the people who really do care about me.

1,814,400 seconds and counting

People say it takes 21 days to break a habit. That's 3 weeks. I have been thinking about that statement for a few days now, and I can't say I agree with it. Sure, I believe you can break a habit in 21 days...but I don't think it's a statement that can apply to every situation. (I'm about to get personal, which is something I don't do as often as I should in my blog. So bare with me, it may get sketchy.)

For me personally, today marks 21 days since I have quit smoking pot. I want to first and foremost thank God for this accomplishment. Without Him by my side I would have never made it this far. I also want to thank my friends for encouraging me and sticking by my side over these last few weeks. For the last 8 years of my life I have been addicted to pot, among other type of drugs. Over the years, I was able to knock the other drugs out of my life, but pot was a whole different story. I know some people will argue that you cannot be addicted to pot, but those people have obviously not smoked pot. I believe it can be very addictive. The dictionary defines addiction as "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming". For me, that definition describes the last 8 years of my life perfectly. That drug had me wrapped around it's fingers, and if we're being completely honest still does. Even though I haven't touched it in 21 days, I have wanted it every one of those days. I can't get my mind off of it. Like any other addiction it takes time. It's also going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately and realized a lot of things. It takes a lot of hard work to commit to anything. I have tried many times over the years to stop smoking, but every one of those times has been a failure. Honestly, I have a huge fear that I won't make it this time either. I've gone over 3 months before and fell back into the habit out of nowhere, so really 3 weeks in my head isn't that encouraging at all. But I feel like one of the key differences this time, is that I am confident God has my back.

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." When James wrote this book, he didn't say if you face trials, he said whenever you face trials. I think this is important to note because everyone faces trials of some kind in their life. Some more difficult than others, but to the person facing the trial, it's a big deal. James is telling us that ANY trial you face is a good thing because you are allowing your character to grow through perseverance. So as I tackle this trial of trying to stop a powerful addiction in my life, I know that God has a plan through the struggle. James did not say that it was going to be easy, or even that it is supposed to be. He is telling us it is necessary to face trials in your life, but you need to have confidence that God will be right there by your side struggling with you and taking on your addiction as well. Honestly, that's a really comforting thought to know that God is taking on my addiction. It makes me feel like I'm not alone even when it appears I am.

Another thing I got to thinking about is that 21 days is a lot of minutes to someone who so desperately wants something. That's 1,814,400 seconds. A lot of days I wake up and think that just one hit wouldn't be so bad. But I have to force myself to say no. If I took even one hit, I'd be throwing away everything I worked for over the last 3 weeks. That's a butt load of work I don't desire to start over. Not only that, I would be letting myself, my friends, and more importantly God down if I gave in. I don't want to be that person that can't complete something they started. I can't give in. One of my biggest fears as I struggle with this is that if I fail this time, I won't have the strength to try and quit again. Now HAS to be the time, and I am determined to stick it out. I know that God has a plan in my life, and that plan does not involve me smoking pot. It does not glorify Him in any way, shape, or form. So I must do this...for myself and for God.

Something else that I've been thinking about is that it only takes 1 second to fall back into a habit. 1 second out of the 1,814,400 seconds and counting. How crazy is that to think about? I've worked so freaking hard to get this far this time, and it would only take 1 second to blow it all. What would that be saying about my character? It would say that I am weak, and it would say that I lack confidence in God's ability to get me through anything. As a Christian, I don't ever want to feel like God can't help me out. Sometimes it's not easy to trust God, but that doesn't mean I don't. But if I were to give in, I would be showing God and the rest of the world that I lack that confidence I so strongly desire to never lose. 

Quiting has not been any easy thing for me. A lot of the people I am around still smoke, and let's be honest I want to join the fun. I sometimes feel like an outsider in my own group of friends because I'm not doing the same things they are doing. My friends respect my decision to quit, but that doesn't mean that I automatically get that connection back with them. Inside of me, I am still struggling to say "no" around them. Some days I choose to stay home because I know if I went out, I'd give in. Lately I've felt extremely lonely because I miss my old self. I know the person God is making me out to be is much better suited for Him, but that doesn't mean I don't miss what I once enjoyed everyday for the last 8 years of my life. That's almost half of my life. A lot of my identity has been formed inside the realms of this drug. From the opinions I have, to the friends I've formed, I feel like a part of me is missing. The bible calls this battling your flesh. And I tell you what, it's like world war 3 inside of myself lately. It's only by the grace of God that I am staying as strong as I am. Like I said above, everyday is a new struggle to say "no". But, everyday it is getting easier to rely on God to get me through. Notice I didn't say it's been getting easier to say no, it's just been easier to rely on God. I do expect that in time, the temptation will die down and I will no longer crave it, but I know that I will never be able to completely rid myself of the habit that still lives in my flesh. 

Going through this struggle has made my relationship with God stronger than ever. I am being forced to rely on Him to get me through everyday. Because I fear that I will fail, I have stayed home and isolated myself from the world many days. I know this isn't the healthiest thing to do, but I feel like in some ways, it's completely necessary for me. But as I spend my days at home, I have been immersing myself in the Word and having plenty of time to sit with God. This time spent with God is allowing me to become more aware of Him in situations where I'm not at home, but with my friends. I have been learning to "hear" His voice speak to me, and learning to rely on Him more. This has been a beautiful thing honestly. I've been loving this extra time I'm having with God. Not only that, I've been allowing God to use me as a witness to my friends and family. Saying "no" is not easy, but other people around me have started to notice a change in me and have seen that I'm am more in tune with God. This encourages me so much because other people are able to see how strong and powerful God really is. In the past when I tried to quit, I tried doing it on my own and failed every time. But my friends and family have seen the difference this time now that I have God walking with me. Yes, it's only been 3 weeks and I've gone longer than that without God walking with me...BUT all those other times have not been this smooth, and they see that. Not only that, I'm not holding back the gospel like I have in the past. Before when people asked why I was quiting, I made up some excuse like I was trying to get a job or something. This time, I don't hesitate to tell anyone that I am doing this because I know it's what God wants me to be doing. HUGE difference, and like I said, people have noticed that. I am thankful that God is using me right now. And as James said, this trial should be a joy. Looking at it, as hard as it is to stop smoking, the joy I am receiving in Christ by sticking with it far outweighs ANY joy I ever felt while being high. So thank God for trials! Thank God! 

One downfall of doubting

I've been jumping around in the bible a lot lately. It's all so good, I just can't decide where to plant myself for awhile! As I was in the book of James for the millionth time the other day, God showed me something I hadn't gotten out of it yet. For the record. I REALLY love that I can read and reread books in the bible and get something new every time! God is SO awesome! Anyways, back to what I was saying. James 1:5-6 says this, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. , because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." God wants to guide us in everything we do. but that isn't going to happen if we are doubting ourselves or doubting that He can do absolutely anything! I don't think that God gives us anything we ask him for, but I do think he gives us the things we need. If we ask God for something and he says no, then chances are you were asking Him for the wrong reasons. Our requests need to align with God's heart. What I just said definitely wasn't new news for me, but I struggle with it constantly.

But like I said above, I got something totally new out of reading this the other day! "But when he asks he must believe and not doubt" I think learning how to do this is VERY important if we want to truly find wisdom is God's word. No one can learn anything from God if their mind isn't fully prepared to listen. Instead, God wants us to submit to Him with everything we are...not just some of us. If I were to go and ask God for something, and not be fully submitted to what God wants me to hear, then I would walk away empty handed. Why? Because I would go in with the mindset that I can pick and choose what I want to hear. For example, if I go to God and ask him help me stop a bad habit and my mind is fully submitted to Him, then he will help me out because I truly believe what He is trying to tell me is what's best for me! But on the flip side, if I go and ask God to help me with a bad habit and not fully convinced that God can help me, then I am allowing my opinions and the opinions of the rest of the world to come into that conversation as well. By doing that, I would be treating God's advice like the advice of any other human being. It would be impossible for God to actually get through to me, because my mind would be clouded with other people telling me my habit isn't that bad. Even if I know in my heart it's not OK to be doing what I'm doing and I actually want God to help me, I would still be holding myself back because I'm doubting Him. We cannot treat God's word like we treat the words of humans. Every one of us are sinners and guaranteed to mess up. God is here to guide us because He has never sinned, and will never sin! We must go to God with full submission to truly hear what He is saying!

A few things I'm thankful for

I feel very compelled to talk about what I'm thankful for lately. Part of having a relationship with God is being able to thank Him as well as turn to Him in times of trouble. Lately I've been finding myself praising God through every situation, not just the bad ones. Sometimes when I'm struggling it's almost easier to turn to God because I have faith he will help me out. But often times I forget to praise Him when something awesome happens. Instead I end up taking the credit...which is prideful. I've been asking God to humble me lately, which has been going awesome. It's allowing me to become more aware of him working in my life. God wants to walk with me in every area of life, and learning how to better let him do that is great.

I'm very thankful for my friends. I lover every one of them and am so thankful for them in my life. Without friends to lean on, life would just be a wreck. We are able to lift each other up, have fun with each other, and all around do life with one another. God intended for us to do life with other people. The bible speaking about being a body with many parts. If I walked through life thinking I was the only working part to the body, then I would fail in a heartbeat. Allowing others to walk with me through my struggles and joys is what makes the body come together and work as one. I'm thankful that my friends are there for me whenever I need them, and on the flip side I am thankful I am able to be there for them. Going through life with friends is awesome. Praise God!

I am thankful for my family. For me, I feel like it's sometimes hard to relate to my family. But no matter what, I will always have their back, just like they will always have mine. Sure we fight, but we also love each other. Each member of my family holds a special place in my heart. At the end of the day, I'm glad I have the family that I do. Praise God!

I am thankful for the church. The church is like another family to me. I am thankful for the pastors at Fuel and the pastors at Vale church. Without those people, I would not be where I am today in terms of my faith. They pushed me to be a better person and to rely on God. I am thankful that when I was ready to walk away from my faith, they backed me up and stood next to me and never left me. They have been there in times of great joy and times of deep pain. Thank you for everything you have done! Praise God!

I am thankful for the small groups I have been in the last few semesters. Every one of those guys and gals have been amazing. It was and still is awesome to go on this journey with them and let them into my bubble. I am thankful that they are willing to share their lives with me and allow me into their bubbles. Small groups are awesome, and I am thankful for each one! Praise God!

I am thankful for the bible. God has given us his word to use everyday. How awesome is that?! The bible is great to turn to for any situation! I don't have room or time to say all the things I love about the bible. It's just awesome and I thank God for giving it to us! Praise God!

I am thankful for God. I could speak of days upon days about how amazing God is and how much I love him! Praise God!

I am thankful for having a home and cloths on my back. Life is not east sometimes, but it would be way harder if I didn't have these things. I can't believe how often I take things like food and cloths and a home for granted. How silly of me to do that. I'm thankful that God has provided me with more than what I need to survive. Praise God!

These are just a few things I am thankful for and I will continue to praise God everyday for the same things and different things! Praise God!

A mini life lesson from God

So I had this realization the other day, and I thought I might share it here on the blog. I was thinking about smoking and drinking and things of that nature...the things that alter your perception of things. Then I got to thinking about God and what he thinks about all of that. So many people make the argument that God created these things so they can't be bad. Heck, I used to be one of those people that thought that. But as time has passed and my relationship with God has grown, I have come to think otherwise. God wants us to love him with everything we are....no matter what. (for the record, the bible does speak against things like drinking and smoking...but I'm not getting to that in this blog.) So anyway, as I was thinking about this I realized something; no one can love God with everything they are if they are not in a sober state. In theory, if you are high or drunk, then your brain is not functioning to it's fullest capability. If that is the case, then it would be impossible to love God with everything you are because your not yourself. I do think you can still love God and be high or drunk, but I don't think that you can do that and be right with God.

After that realization the desire to do anything that may alter my ability to love God has become non-existent. Yes temptation is still there, but even Jesus was tempted. Sin comes when we give into that temptation. So whenever I'm in a situation that is tempting me, I just turn to Jesus. I've been doing that a lot recently, and every time I turn to Jesus to get me through life, it just works out for the good. Opportunity is presented, and I feel great because I'm pleasing God...not other people. I am so thankful that God is there for anyone to turn to in both good times and bad times. He wants to help you, you just have to let him. How awesome is it that our creator wants to spend time with you and love you?!?! It's even more awesome that he loves you no matter what you do...even in sin. I am so thankful for love. And I'm thankful that God has put it on my heart to live my life for him!!! Praise God...with everything you are, praise Him!!!

How I came to believe in God

Instead of taking you through the scriptures and sharing what I've been learning like I normally do, I've decided to go ahead and write about why I believe what I believe, and how I got there. I feel like I need to write this because most of the blogs I write are about God and I want you all to understand why I write about Him so much and the reasons why God means so much to me. So I guess I'll just get to it.

As a child I grew up in quite the home. Like most families, we carry a lot of baggage. I'm going to spare you all most of my family details because my goal right now isn't to get into that. I think I'll start in my high school days and go from there. Throughout my life, relating to people has always been a struggle for me. At home, I never really spoke unless I was spoken to, so making new friends wasn't that easy. I love people, but I just don't know how to relate to them most times. I've struggled with loneliness for as long as I can remember. I think because of some past childhood experiences, I had shut down and never really recovered from that. So once high school started, I constantly felt like I was on my own. Most days, it wasn't so bad because I live in my head and my thoughts normally keep me occupied. I also read a lot of books to give me something to do. Now, I'm not saying I didn't have friends...there have always been people surrounding me. But call me generic or whatever, I've always felt like that person who feels alone in a crowded place. So eventually, I started seeking something more. At the start of freshmen year, I found drugs. The drugs brought me a whole new set of friends, as well as this sudden burst of confidence that made me feel like I could conquer the world. I started to hang out with people more, and become this whole new person. And I loved it. I felt like I had gained respect from people. As the years went on, I jumped further and further into the drugs and found myself using everyday, all day. I became very unhappy when I wasn't using and that made me use even more. Lets just say it got out of control. I also started to feel like I needed the drugs to eat, sleep, and basically function properly. The thoughts that once comforted me, started to really effect me negatively because the drugs altered them. Then around my junior year, the drugs suddenly weren't enough. I felt like I needed some real substance to my life and I started to feel like there was something else out there...something bigger than myself, but I couldn't pinpoint it. I just knew it was big. Eventually, I found philosophy...or rather philosophy found me.

Let's back up really fast to the lunchroom my sophomore year. At my old high school, teachers patrolled the lunchrooms to keep the peace and make sure students weren't being too rambunctious. One day, one of the teachers in the lunchroom overheard someone addressing me by the name "Giese" When he heard that he came and introduced himself. He told me he had my brother in his class a few years back. I learned that he was an English teacher and taught the class I had planned on taking. I also noticed the way he interacted with students. He seemed to genuinely care about people and love them. I have always been drawn to those kind of people, so that confirmed my decision to take his class. I don't remember too much about that class, but I really liked the teacher and decided to take the philosophy class he also taught. I had no clue that class would change my life. Philosophy was exactly what I was looking for. It was deep and made me want to study more and more of it. I even studied it on my own time and eventually got to a point that I could hold my own in a debate. Not only that, because a lot of philosophy is about explaining who we are and how we came to be, I was able to relate it to other subjects...especially Science. Our teacher loved to bash science, so one day we got into a discussion about the Big Bang Theory. We talked about it's faults in explaining creationism to us and the question was posed, "What put those two atoms into motion?" That question blew my mind. Science can't explain how those two atoms were able to collide. Simply put, the laws of science tell us there has to be an energy source for kinetic energy to even happen. Since science can't tell me how that happened to make it possible for those atoms to move, I took it upon myself to find out why. I HAD to know why. I came to the conclusion that something bigger had to make that happen. 

As I started to study more, I began asking my teacher questions about God. I found out he sponsored a bible study every Friday morning that was lead by Young Life and he invited me to come check it out. (For the record, I am really thankful that he was willing to discuss God with me because the law says teachers can't really talk about God with students.) Now, I have grown up in the church my entire life so I was already pretty familiar with the bible. I just never really took it, or religion and God to seriously. But now I had a reason too...I HAD to find out the truth and why science couldn't tell me how I got here even though it claims be to able to prove basically everything. My teacher invited me to the church he goes to and I went...once. The group of friends I had weren't interested in God, and lets be honest I wasn't either. I just wanted to know how I got here and WHY I was here. I was also still way more interested in drugs than being religious. I was under the impression you couldn't have drugs and religion, so I chose drugs instead. Because of that choice, I distanced myself from the church and just studied on my own time. I still went to the bible study every Friday morning, and even some other bible studies, but just to ask questions and challenge people. Even though I wasn't really interested in the religion, I was learning a great deal and it was very interesting and made me want to study more. To not make this too long, I will try and sum up what I learned as the years have passed since that first philosophy class.

As I thought about it a lot, I came to the conclusion that if science couldn't tell me how I got here, then something bigger had to exist. I was determined to find out what, and through my studies, the bible seemed to hold the most logical answer. It explained that God created us, and he did it out of love. As I thought about that more it made complete sense. Sorry if this next part is hard to follow, but it makes perfect sense to me, and I hope it does to you as well. Every human being is able to feel love...and does. If every one of us is able to feel love, then love has to be significant. And since love is not a tangible thing, there is no possible way science would even be able to touch that. So if love didn't come from the earth, then something had to "create" love. Love would also not exist if we didn't exist, because love is unique to our species. You could argue that animals feel love like we do, but animals also kill their young to survive and would leave another one of the same species in a heartbeat if in danger. Humans don't do that. Since no one can explain how "love" came to be, then something else must be able to. Another thing that struck me about science is that it can't explain how life started. Again, if you can't explain how the Big Bang Theory started, then you certainly can't tell me you know how we came to be. Most of us are aware that the body itself is just flesh, organs, and the rest of what goes in there. But none of what's in the body can explain how that happened in the first place. But the bible sure can. And I believe the bible can because the earth exists. If that blasted theory can't explain logically how the earth came to be, then something bigger must have created it. Now, if something bigger created the earth, then it would definitely be possible for that same something to create something as complex as the human body. And since I do believe that it was God that created the body and human life, I also believe that this being can do ANYTHING. So fast forward to Jesus' time. Assuming everything I just said above is correct, then wouldn't it be possible for God to come down in human form? I mean, he did create us after all. So if it is possible for Him to come down in human form, then is it not also possible for Him to die and then come back from the dead?? I think it is. If that's possible, then why wouldn't God be able to come inside of us in a different form...the Holy Spirit. I think this is important because every person at one time or another has thought about something bigger than themselves existing. Religion was there before Jesus' came, so that means even back then people were searching for an answer. I feel like the fact that a man came down, died, and then rose again...and had witnesses, would be total proof of God himself existing. And the fact that more than one religious book speaks about Jesus and the miracles he preformed...miracles that science can't explain, is added proof of his validity as our creator. And the unique thing about Christianity is that we don't have to DO anything to gain the love of our creator...we just have to accept he created us and died in human form for us and our sin. Which brings me back to love. Love ties everything together, because God created us out of love, gave us the ability to love, died to prove ultimately love exists, and then gave us that love back in the form of the Holy Spirit so we can experience it today, even after the death of Jesus Christ. Even if your not a Christian, you still exist somehow. If all that happened, which I believe it did because we are here today, then I also think it is possible to live and be able to rely on my creator. The fact that I am alive is proof to me that God exists. And again sorry to repeat myself, but if I exist then that means that God must have created me...which means he created you, and everything else that we experience. And since I can't deny that I exist, then God must. If he exists then he also made it possible to feel and think and do everything else we humans can do. And since we live on the earth that must mean he created that to because we breath the air and live on such a complex planet that allows us to sustain life. And again, because the Big Bang Theory can't explain how that came to be, then Gd must have done that too. Pretty cool, huh?

Because of all of that I think that it is important to live and love for my creator. Why would I not...I mean He is the one that allows me to be here and love in the first place. And because when a loved one dies the only thing that is left here on Earth for us is the memories and the love we still hold for that person, I think loving others is important. Realistically, even if you live your life as a loving person but never accepted God as your savior and creator, you still lived and loved which means without knowing it, you accepted that God exists because love does. The cool thing about God is that he gives EVERYONE a chance to love him...even after death!! So I guess there you have it. This is why I believe what I do and how I got there.

Since then I have gotten rid of the drug use in my life and have fully devoted my life to living for the God that created me! The road is not easy, but then again life isn't supposed to be easy. Living for God gives me purpose though and I think that counts for something.

Fear: Friend or Foe?

In John Mayer's song, "The Heart of Life" he says, "Fear is a friend who's misunderstood. But I know the heart of life is good." (go listen to it. seriously.) Now, I'm no expert, and certainly not the best interpreter of songs and poems, but to me this song has a very biblical message. When I listen to this song, the "heart of life" is referring to God. Which got me to thinking more about the line "Fear is a friend who's misunderstood", and who we should be living for.

Most people don't think fear is a good thing. I'd like to think differently. The bible talks a lot about fearing both man and God. Fear of man consists of things like peer pressure, co-dependency, jealousy, or trying to please people. On the other hand, the fear of God is simply understanding and being aware of His approval or disapproval. So who should we be afraid of? The bible says we should fear God. Proverbs 29:25 says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." If you walk around worrying about what the guy next to you thinks, then realistically your heart isn't following God. Instead, you are trying to please man. But pleasing man isn't always a good thing. Yes it's nice to do the dishes for your parents or offer to help someone across the street, but on a deeper level we should be thinking about the reason why we are offering our services. Is it because you want praise from your parents or to win an award? If it is, then your motives are wrong. God wants our actions to glorify Him, not the people in your life. John 12:42-43 says, "Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God."

It's so easy to want to please the people around us because God isn't there to give his approval. Not only that, the feeling of rejection hurts. A lot of people want the Christian status, but don't have a desire to live it out because that means being different and living different. Sometimes the only time we are able to tell someone is even a Christian is because we see them in a church. The problem is, a lot of us forget that Jesus lives in us. That means everything we do should be for Him...not just everything we do on Sunday. If you live one way on Sunday, and then the rest of the week you live how you want, it won't go unnoticed by the people around you. That has huge potential to bring people away from the real gospel. Galatians 2:11-21 addresses this issue. Peter, a follower of Jesus and a teacher in the Church, acted like a hypocrite in front of Paul and James out of fear of what they, as well as the others around, might think of him. When Paul witnessed this, he called him out in front of everyone then and there. Honestly, it's rather encouraging to read about this event. It shows us that even Christians get caught in the trap of fearing men. It also shows us that it is important to speak up if you witness this occurring. Had Paul not spoken up, people would have been led astray. Galatians 2:20-21 tell us this, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" The world around us influences us so much. But putting your faith and trust in God, not men, will prove to be worth it in the end. Honestly if you have no desire to live like Christ after accepting him as your savior, then accepting him in the first place was useless. God calls us to live a certain way. It may be hard, but nothing worth it is easy.

In my own life this is a constant struggle. A lot of my friends are not Christians. When I go to hang out with them, it's really hard to not engage in the activities they are doing. About a week ago, I made the decision to separate myself for good from these activities and it has been SO hard! I don't want my friends to think I am weird or to uptight for them. I also don't like it when they tell me "it's no big deal, you can still love God and do it." What they don't understand is that it's not that easy. Every time I hung out and gave in, I walked away feeling ashamed. Ashamed at myself for giving in, and most of all ashamed at what God thought of me. I thought that he couldn't possibly love me because I was intentionally sinning. I felt absolutely awful that I had told my friends about God and my reasons for quiting, and then went and did it anyways. What would God think? And then the feelings of guilt and shame set in. This "feeling" is the fear of God. I became very aware of what was right and what was wrong in His eyes. And to my surprise, my desire to quit became so much stronger. Not because of what my friends thought, but because I didn't want to disappoint God any longer. I won't sit here and tell you that I don't think about giving in every day, but I will say that the feeling I get when I do give in is one of the most awful feelings in the world! The fear of God is what should drive me, not the fear of man. I feel like learning this the hard way is making my faith in God much stronger. I'm being forced to rely on Him in literally every situation so I don't make the decision I want to make. As I continue to learn more about fearing God, it is becoming evident that in order to escape fear, you need to learn how to fear. Getting through life is going to seem a lot harder than it should if man is holding you back. God wants to lead you. I feel like learning how to fear God is a great place to start!

Thank God for boredom

With the recent snowfall, I've been reminded of a lot of things. The first thing I've been reminded of is how much I hate the snow. I know most people have a dislike for snow, but for me, nothing is the world is more obnoxious than snow...except for spiders and people who can't seem to be honest and straight forward with other people. The snow is cold, dangerous, and to be honest not that pretty. On a side note, I will go on a limb and say that ice covered trees are so freaking beautiful. (maybe one of the only things kind of cool about the cold?) But honestly, the thing I hate the most about the snow, is that every year it has potential to ruin so many lives. As the daughter of a dad who has to go plow this crap...I'm one of those potential people. Every inch has potential to wreck a lot of beautiful things. Homeless people are also on my heart in times like this. My hope is that Christians and kind-hearted people around every community effected by snow would do everything they can to help those in need of some heat. So far it's been really awesome reading posts of people helping others, as well as watching my neighbors step up to help each other shovel their drives. At risk of contradicting everything I've said above, I'm pretty happy that snow has potential to bring people together.

Another thing the snow has reminded me of, is how much I hate being bored. ...it's awesome. But seriously, being stuck inside (because my front door won't open, and even if it did there is still foot after foot of snow to get through to go anywhere...not worth it) has been so annoying. Most of you that know me, also know I'm not content sitting still for hours. Thanks to the snow, I've been spending a lot of time sitting still. So far, I can't say I'm to excited about it. My head hasn't stopped racing, and the anxiety levels are creepin. I simply don't know what to do with myself. The computer just isn't that fun, and watching random TV blows. The only good that has come out of me being forced to sit has been the amount of time I've been spending with God. Honestly, as much as I hate sitting, this time has been really good for me. I LOVE studying the bible, so having more time to do that has been awesome. I've been more aware of His presence in me the last day or so. SO freaking comforting. It's been helping me rely on God for substance in my life. So often when I get bored I sleep. But becoming aware of my boredom and giving it to God is totally fulfilling. I can hear him much more clearly in all the silence. Thank God for boredom. :)

A little inspiration goes a long way.

A good friend of mine Travis Deaver, once said something very wise that has stuck with me ever since. He said, "Inspiration comes in the greatest ways, and to be inspired is to see life the way it was meant to be seen, through God's eye." I absolutely agree with him. Inspiration makes us wants to do better. It drives us to be better people and change our character so that others around us will gain something. My favorite thing about inspiration is that it can happen anytime, anywhere. A lot of the times I get frustrated from lack of inspiration in my life. But if what Travis said is correct, then inspiration comes from God. It's like a gift He has given us. As a christian, I believe that the Holy Spirit speaks to me and guides me to be more Christ like. But like all Christians, it's really hard to discern when the Holy Spirit is actually speaking to us. I know I struggle with this constantly. Isn't it possible that inspiration is really the Holy Spirit speaking to you in a way that you can understand?

 John 14:16-17 says, "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." A friend of mine, who's also a pastor, Tony Calabrese, recently shared something with me about these verses. He said, "What is so cool about Jesus saying that he will send "another" Counselor is found in the original word he uses for "another." The word another DOESNT mean another as in "I'm going to buy another coat" as in a different coat. The word Jesus uses for another means "the exact same kind." Think about that! Jesus essentially is saying that he is going to send another Counselor , one that is JUST LIKE HIM. At this moment He is the Mighty Counselor to His disciples but soon another...just like Jesus type of Counselor , will come into their hearts." Sometimes instead of fighting so hard to find inspiration in my life, I need to simply become aware of God's presence in me. He is ready and willing to lead me. I feel like anything and everything has potential to be inspiring if I let God fully take control of my life.

Lately I've been finding a lot of inspiration in the Bible. For the last few months, every time I have set foot in a church building or bible study, I've walked away inspired. The words of God just move my heart in a way I can't explain to you. My entire body is consumed with this overwhelming feeling of joy and peace and comfort. It's like God is wrapping his arms around me and holding me tightly. When I leave I have an urge to tell the world about Jesus and change everything that is flawed in my life. Obviously, what I want to do and what I actually don't always line up, but the fact that God inspires me to change each week is so encouraging. It's a constant reminder He is always with me in every situation. I also love that God is so consistent. Consistency is something that I value greatly. I hate it when things arn't consistent or when parents or other figures of authority constantly change their minds. God isn't like that at all. All throughout the bible God is consistent. In the Old Testament, God was with Joseph in prison and saw him through that. Great things came out of Joseph being in prison. Years later in the New Testament, Paul writes us the book of Philippians in prison. The purpose of this book was to a) thank the Philippians for the gifts they had sent whilst in prison and b) to give strength to believers and show them that true joy come from Jesus Christ. God was with Paul. He proved to be consistent. And today, God has not changed. He is still there no matter what, fighting to show us how to live for Him. I'm thankful everyday that God is with me ready to send inspiration my way.

Letting go isn't easy

Learning to let go of things is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Be it an argument or a material possession, letting go is simply tough. It's not easy because most of the time I've worked really hard for it. Other times, whatever needs letting go is close to my heart. Lately though, I've been struggling to let go of myself. Actually ever since I was baptized I've been fighting what seems like a never ending battle. Jesus has called us to let go of ourselves and take up the cross every day. It's easy for me to read that in the bible and want to change, but actually living that out each day is so hard. I've worked my entire life to gain the identity I have today. I've experienced pain and suffering, as well as amazing love and great joy. The friendships formed and the lives that have impacted me mean the world to me. But if I don't let go of myself and give my life completely to Jesus, all of what I've worked for is going to suffer. My ultimate goal in life is to live like Jesus in order to be reunited with Him when I die. But just because I've been baptized doesn't mean I can live my life how I want. I'm learning that the hard way. If that means letting go of old relationships and throwing away items that have potential to lead me astray, then that's what I'll have to do. The great thing about Jesus is that even though letting go is rough, he is going to place other people and opportunities in my life that will lead me to glorify Him. I have to trust Him fully in order to do that though. I pray that God continues to place opportunity in front of me so that my life and heart will align with him. I know it will be hard, and tears will be shed, but I think eternity is worth it.

A few things I've been learning lately. Enjoy :)

I feel like I'm not alone when I say that I struggle so much with the fact that Jesus is not here in the flesh with me. It's so darn frustrating that I can't give him and hug and have him tell me everything is going to be ok. I long so much to be in the arms of Jesus and walk beside him. I've even gotten angry at God, wondering why I couldn't have lived when Jesus lived? Why couldn't I have lived to reach out and touch him? In the midst of this struggle I've been digging into the bible to help me out. I felt like I should share with all of you a little bit of what I've been learning, in hopes that it might encourage you like it's been encouraging me.

I was recently lead to Acts 17:24-31 while questioning why I couldn't have walked with Jesus. All of the verses really hit me but verses 26-28 really brought it home...especially 26 and 27. "From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact  places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.' This really spoke to me. God put us here in this exact moment because it was the best time for us as individuals to love him to the best of our abilities. If God would have wanted me to live when Jesus walked the earth when his disciples did, he would have put me there. Instead, I am here today, living the life I'm in right now, with the family and friends I have right now, for a reason. It is the best time in God's plan for me to walk the earth. And I need to embrace that with everything I am. After all, Jesus' greatest command was to love him and love others. It's up to me to live that out, and now is the time to do it. My circumstances won't define me any longer. Instead, they will help shape me to become more reliant on my faith in the one who put me here.

The book of John has really been rocking my world as well.  Jesus speaks some very powerful words to his disciples in chapters 14-16 as it relates to Jesus not being here in the flesh. Verses 1-3 say this, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would not have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am." As Jesus tells his disciples that when he leaves them he will prepare a place for them, they become confused. They think they need him there to find the way to God. But Jesus is telling them, that he is the way to God, and believing and trusting in him is all it takes! And it gets better! Jesus goes on to talk about the comfort of the Holy Spirit that is to be sent in place of him here on earth. Verses 16-19 say this; "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live." Jesus' promise of the Holy Spirit is so darn comforting to me. He tells us all that it is a fact that he will come back, but until then we still have the Spirit in us to guide us! He also tells us in various places what we must do what he asks of us. In verses 25-26 Jesus says, "All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." Chapter 15 verse 26 and 27 goes on to say this, "When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me since the beginning." Jesus is telling us that we are responsible for the kingdom of God to advance. And to help us out and give us the right things to say, he has sent the Holy Spirit. In John chapter 16 Jesus teaches specifically about the Holy Spirit and the purpose of him being sent. verse 7; "But I tell you the truth: It is for your own good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you." Verse 8 gives us a little more detail about what we are to do with the Holy Spirit. "When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in reguard to sin and righteousness and judgement." Verse 13 also helped me out a ton. "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come." I know there are a lot of verses there, but each of those verses have really helped me when it comes to knowing what to do without the flesh of Jesus being in front of me. Knowing that he has not left me and has sent another Counselor in place is also very important to the trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are now all able to work as one, and guide each of us. (read John chapter 17 for more on the unity and how it relates to our walk with God. It's awesome!)


Recently, this has also helped me out. “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” - Luke 2:49

Every one of us has a father here on earth. And every one of us at some point or another feels disconnected with our father. Some of us may have great relationships with out fathers, while others may have never met him. There are also those who rely on a respectable male figure in their life to serve as a father figure. Jesus was one of those children. Joseph, the husband of Mary and father to Jesus, isn't actually responsible for the birth of his son. God was. Jopeph did however did raise Jesus and guide him in the right direction at a young age. As time went on though, Jesus began to feel a disconnection with Joseph. I feel like every one of us can relate to that. As I was reading this verse an overwhelming sense of comfort came over me. God will always be the perfect father...no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing our earthly fathers. But in those moments when it's hard to find that fatherly connection it is really awesome to know that God is there, waiting for us to come to him. He won't steer us in the wrong direction, or tell us we aren't worthy of love.

I guess that's all I have for right now. Thanks for sticking to the end on this one, I know it was lengthy.