When it comes to learning to be your own person, we've all heard the question, "If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you?". Depending on who you're asking, the answer is a quick "no". Then there are the ones who try to be smart and say, "it depends on how high the bridge is." I was always the one with the second answer. In a way, I think that both answers elude to what kind of person you are. The one with the quick "no" is probably more likely to make better life choices, and the one with the smart aleck remark is probably more likely to follow the crowd. In either case, the person answering is learning a little more about who they are, and what kind of person they want to be. Peer pressure is usually a problem that is said to be dealt with when you're in school. But I believe that it's something we battle with our entire lives. Whether it's making the choice to say no to drugs, or buying the latest sports car, all of us are influenced by our peers. And some of us are more influenced by those around us than we might like to admit. Well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely influenced by the people closest to me on a daily basis.
Personally, I struggle with people pleasing. It's always been a problem of mine, but I just feel the need to be accepted. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but sometimes that need is taken too far. For a long time, the majority of the drug use in my past was based on the acceptance of other people. I wanted to fit in and feel loved by others. The people that meant the most to me were using drugs, so I figured the only way to get close to them was to be like them and join them...even when I was ready to quit. The need to be accepted lead to a massive delay in quitting the drug use. Even today, drug free, I struggle with being accepted and with people pleasing. I struggle the most when it comes to pleasing my father, as well as father figures in my life. I just don't ever feel like I meet their expectations of me.
When it comes to pleasing my father and father figures, I'm just at a loss. I have the knowledge that acceptance isn't necessary with humans because my father in heaven accepts me no matter what. But in the moment, I don't always think about that and I become frustrated that I can never feel "good enough". I try so hard to measure up to the standards of the men in my life and I always seem to come short. I know a lot of it has to do with he fact that I am hard on myself and place standards in front of me that were never even established. But there are those moments when they expect something out of me and I fail. It's in these moments when I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm human and not perfect. Instead, I beat myself up and get angry at the other person. My pride gets in the way and I start to argue with them about something that's really not that big of a deal in the first place. Once I start to argue they get mad at me. But because I'm not thinking straight, I read into this wrong. Instead of realizing that they aren't mad at me for failing, but frustrated that I'm arguing with them, I take it as they are mad at me for not doing a good enough job. Once that happens I find myself making excuses as to why I didn't do what I was supposed to and end up getting myself in a mess.
The other problem that comes with me wanting to please people all the time, is that I don't stand up for myself. I find myself compromising on my values and beliefs. When people question what I'm doing or question my motives, I don't always know how to respond. Sometimes I just do what I know I shouldn't do just so they won't think I'm lame. Other times I get in on the conversation and act like I'm down with what they're into so they don't think I'm lame. Later I walk away regretting that I said I was into something I'm not, but then find myself in a hole that just keeps getting deeper because my pride won't allow me to admit to them that I lied about being down with what they were down with. When someone questions my motives, I get angry and think that they aren't accepting what I'm doing instead of taking into account that they may have just been asking a question. I become critical of not only myself, but of others around me. I make it hard for people to get to know the real me because I'm so concerned with making sure they see the "me" I think they should see.
Lately, I've found that not a lot of people know who I really am, and what I'm really about. I got into a conversation today with a co-worker about what I wanted to do with my future, and when I told her I'm really interested in ministry, she looked crazy shocked. She couldn't even believe that I was a Christian. It made me take a really hard look at myself. What have I been saying that made her think I wasn't? What actions were being displayed to where she had to question my beliefs? This really bothered me. I go to church every Sunday and love Jesus with everything I am, but I've apparently turned into the "Sunday Christian" instead of the "everyday Christian". Some people know without a doubt my love for Jesus, but I've realized that the people who I am meeting on the job and running into on a daily basis may not be seeing that person. So I have to question myself. I have to ask myself who I really am, and what I really believe. If I really am who Christ says I am, then why aren't others seeing that? I've realized that I need to work on people pleasing and the need to be accepted by others. All of this has created a facade that I didn't even realize I was creating. That conversation with my co-worker was a reality check for sure. It was also an opportunity to learn something about myself and begin to explore what I need to change. I am God's child and shouldn't be concerned with fitting in. I should be concerned with living my life in a way that glorifies Him. So from this point forward, I want to be the person that answers "no" when someone asks me, "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Waiting for Mr. Right
In an instant gratification culture, waiting is something that's hard to come by. We live in a fast progressing culture that is fueled by how quickly we can accomplish things. This may not always be a bad thing, and in some instances it's incredibly helpful. But when it comes to our personal relationships, instant gratification can be detrimental. If we carry over our desire to hurry things along, then we may miss out on meeting the person God has planned for us to marry. Let me expand this thought.
I recently read a facebook status that talked about waiting for the right person to marry. It said that settling for the "good" guy instead of waiting for a great guy is a mistake. Rushing into a relationship can lead to problems, and may lead to a bad ending. Waiting for the right person instead of settling is essential for a healthy relationship. As I read this status I got to thinking how important it was for me to personally hear. Being single isn't easy when most of my friends are dating, engaged, or already married. I feel like I'm behind the game. I've been waiting for the right guy for a long time. About a year ago, I was ready to marry my best friend, but doing that would have been settling. He was a great guy and we were compatible on so many levels. But he didn't have the values I was looking for in a husband. The marriage wouldn't have been terrible, and we probably could have made it work...but I knew in my heart that he wasn't the one. As difficult as it was, I ended the relationship. We still hung out, but keeping the friendship on a just friends level became too difficult and about 3 months ago I had to part ways with my best friend. This was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I knew it was for the best, but it still hurt me really bad. I walked away feeling so alone and completely defeated. As time went on I became more isolated. The pain I've experienced due to the loss of this friendship has been unbearable at times. But as I read this status I was reminded that the pain I'm feeling now wouldn't be anything to the pain I would have felt years down the road had I decided to rush into something I wasn't completely ready for, or someone I wasn't completely happy with. I've been learning more about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I'm interested in being married to. I've also learned that I'm not willing to settle for any man. I don't want to marry someone who I'm simply compatible with, but someone who is willing to challenge me. I want someone who loves Jesus before he loves me. I want a leader and someone who can support me. I don't want to sit around all day and wait for life to happen, but I want to do life with the love of my life and grow with that person. The list can go on and on, but I have standards that I'm no longer willing to set aside or compromise on because I'm tired of being single. Waiting is really hard, but I'm prepared to wait if it means that I'll have a happy and healthy marriage in the future. Until then, I'm praying for my future husband and praying that God will bring the right person into my life at just the right time in my life.
I recently read a facebook status that talked about waiting for the right person to marry. It said that settling for the "good" guy instead of waiting for a great guy is a mistake. Rushing into a relationship can lead to problems, and may lead to a bad ending. Waiting for the right person instead of settling is essential for a healthy relationship. As I read this status I got to thinking how important it was for me to personally hear. Being single isn't easy when most of my friends are dating, engaged, or already married. I feel like I'm behind the game. I've been waiting for the right guy for a long time. About a year ago, I was ready to marry my best friend, but doing that would have been settling. He was a great guy and we were compatible on so many levels. But he didn't have the values I was looking for in a husband. The marriage wouldn't have been terrible, and we probably could have made it work...but I knew in my heart that he wasn't the one. As difficult as it was, I ended the relationship. We still hung out, but keeping the friendship on a just friends level became too difficult and about 3 months ago I had to part ways with my best friend. This was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I knew it was for the best, but it still hurt me really bad. I walked away feeling so alone and completely defeated. As time went on I became more isolated. The pain I've experienced due to the loss of this friendship has been unbearable at times. But as I read this status I was reminded that the pain I'm feeling now wouldn't be anything to the pain I would have felt years down the road had I decided to rush into something I wasn't completely ready for, or someone I wasn't completely happy with. I've been learning more about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I'm interested in being married to. I've also learned that I'm not willing to settle for any man. I don't want to marry someone who I'm simply compatible with, but someone who is willing to challenge me. I want someone who loves Jesus before he loves me. I want a leader and someone who can support me. I don't want to sit around all day and wait for life to happen, but I want to do life with the love of my life and grow with that person. The list can go on and on, but I have standards that I'm no longer willing to set aside or compromise on because I'm tired of being single. Waiting is really hard, but I'm prepared to wait if it means that I'll have a happy and healthy marriage in the future. Until then, I'm praying for my future husband and praying that God will bring the right person into my life at just the right time in my life.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Learning to control my sarcasm
This isn't a profound statement or anything, but words have the power to really hurt someone. Biting my tounge is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm the kins of person that says whats on my mind before I think it though. I'm a realist and don't like to sugar coat things. When it comes to giving my opnion, but tend to force it on people instead of considering their point of view. I'm incredibly sarcastic and more often than not, my sarcasim comes across as me being rude or putting someone down. All of these things added into a 24 hour time slot makes ofr a rough day sometimes.
When it comes to my words, I don't usually intended to hurt people. It happens because it's easy to misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I forget that other people are sensitive and that other people don't always find my sarcasm humorous. I grew up in a home where sarcasm was used on a daily basis. I learned to hide behind sarcasm to mask my emotions. I've learned that sarcasm is often the root of anger, fear, rejection, or pain. As I've expressed in a previous blog, dealing with my emotions isn't something that's easy for me. This is a huge barrier in the way I communicate with others. Instead of just having a conversation with someone, I end up cracking a joke or poking fun at them at the wrong time. There is a time and place to be sarcastic, and every conversation definitely isn't it. I struggle to use it appropriately. I end up hurting someone's feelings and then struggle to be remorseful because I didn't think what I said was harmful even if they did. I put barriers in my relationships without even realizing it sometimes.
I know what scripture says about taming the tongue, but it's not always easy to put that into practice. For me personally, it's a daily ordeal to tame my tongue. I'm trying to learn how to be a better person. I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive person and to be more considerate with my words. I'm learning that not everyone appreciates my opinions and that there is a time and place to share them. My intentions are usually pure, but it doesn't always show. Growing up learning how to connect with people through sarcasm and jokes works sometimes, but I've learned it doesn't work all the time. Hiding behind sarcasm makes it difficult for people to get to know the real me. That with the mixture of my tendency to speak my mind makes me come across as a negative person. I pray often for God to make me more aware of my words so that others will be blessed by what I say and not hurt.
When it comes to my words, I don't usually intended to hurt people. It happens because it's easy to misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I forget that other people are sensitive and that other people don't always find my sarcasm humorous. I grew up in a home where sarcasm was used on a daily basis. I learned to hide behind sarcasm to mask my emotions. I've learned that sarcasm is often the root of anger, fear, rejection, or pain. As I've expressed in a previous blog, dealing with my emotions isn't something that's easy for me. This is a huge barrier in the way I communicate with others. Instead of just having a conversation with someone, I end up cracking a joke or poking fun at them at the wrong time. There is a time and place to be sarcastic, and every conversation definitely isn't it. I struggle to use it appropriately. I end up hurting someone's feelings and then struggle to be remorseful because I didn't think what I said was harmful even if they did. I put barriers in my relationships without even realizing it sometimes.
I know what scripture says about taming the tongue, but it's not always easy to put that into practice. For me personally, it's a daily ordeal to tame my tongue. I'm trying to learn how to be a better person. I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive person and to be more considerate with my words. I'm learning that not everyone appreciates my opinions and that there is a time and place to share them. My intentions are usually pure, but it doesn't always show. Growing up learning how to connect with people through sarcasm and jokes works sometimes, but I've learned it doesn't work all the time. Hiding behind sarcasm makes it difficult for people to get to know the real me. That with the mixture of my tendency to speak my mind makes me come across as a negative person. I pray often for God to make me more aware of my words so that others will be blessed by what I say and not hurt.
Monday, April 15, 2013
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” - Dr. Seuss
I once heard a pastor say, "If you're too busy playing the role of someone else, then who's playing you?" The minute I heard this, I couldn't help but relate to it. On more than one occasion I've definitely found myself playing the role of someone other than myself. I think a lot of it has to do with my need to feel like I have to please everyone.
I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.
Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.
I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.
I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.
Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.
I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.
Chosing the correct vessel
God places all kinds of people into each of our lives to use as vessels. Some are there to guide us, some to be mentors, and some to simply just do life with. All of these people have different roles, and all of them are there for a reason. Over the past few months I've been learning about the different roles people play in my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize the different roles people play in my life so I don't get frustrated at the people that mean the most to me. It's not fair to expect the same people to be there for me all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of my comfort zone and allow other people in. Sure, it takes a lot of humility, but that's all apart of trusting God. That's why God has placed so many people in all of our lives. I'm thankful for all the people He has placed in my live to even things out.
An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.
Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.
The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.
An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.
Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.
The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bringing Light into the Darkness
In the Bible, 1 John talks about Jesus being the light of the world. It says that when we honor Jesus and love Him, we are living in the light. When we don't, we are living in darkness. People who claim to live in a "dark" world, are people who are living without accepting Jesus. God is the light of the world, so the world cannot be without light, only people can. I think it's interesting to think that darkness can often be transparent. There is always potential for light to be present in the dark. People who know God can sometimes experience darkness, but they are never far from the light. I believe that those who don't know Jesus at all still have light in them, they just aren't aware of it. The ability to experience love is the ability to experience light, even in the midst of darkness. The ability to love is a gift from God, even if people aren't aware of it. So when love is being displayed, so is the light of Jesus.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Learning to Cope
The hard stuff we face early in life is necessary for later on in life. The high school experience is the perfect example. For a lot of kids, it's an awkward stage in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do in the future. Kids are harsh and hormones become overwhelming. Learning how to deal with your emotions is extremely difficult. But eventually this awkward stage passes and you learn how to deal with life around you and move forward. But for some kids, this never happens. Due to other factors, some kids drown out life and find unhealthy ways to cope, and therefore miss out on the necessary skills to deal with life properly. In high school, I became one of those kids, and drugs became that factor that hindered my ability to cope with life. Drugs destroyed my sense of being. When life got hard, I never dealt with it. Instead I drowned out all of life's struggles with massive drug use. I stopped living, and started existing. I just walked through my high school experience in a daze. When things got emotional, instead of allowing my body to work though them and learn how to process what I was feeling, I used drugs. Learning how to make new friends consisted of me seeking out other people using drugs. We connected on our similar interests, but never connected on a deeper level. I couldn't have fun unless I was high, so when I went out and was low on drugs, my experience wasn't very fun. I became bored very quickly when I wasn't high. Drugs made my life feel complete. They gave me a false sense of confidence and a false sense of being.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Turn the Page
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2 These two verses might be one of the most powerful verses in the Bible that I've ever read. The amount of truth they hold is insane! I, Sarah Giese, am not condemned for being a sinner because I have the Spirit of God living in me! The only problem with this is sometimes I forget to turn the page. I get stuck living in a Romans 7 mentality that I am a slave to the laws of sin and death. I get to thinking because I mess up that I can't be saved by God. But I've already been saved! Christ has already paid in full the debt that I should be held accountable for. What better news is there to hear when I feel like I can't be forgiven?!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
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