Learning to shut my mouth

The other week I hit my head really hard on a towel rack in the bathroom. I was leaning too far forward and as I stood up, BANG! I learned something that day. I have successfully avoided another incident like that, as I'm sure I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Pain has a way of teaching you a lesson. The initial sting goes away, but there's a lasting mark that stays with you for much longer. People have been learning lessons like that for centuries. A child gets spanked when he does something stupid, and as a result learns to discontinue whatever it was he was doing. I was never really disciplined as a kid, so the only time I ever really learned from a mistake was when I got myself  hurt. Some kids were jealous of me growing up because my parents were more lenient. As a kid I absolutely loved the freedom I had. I've always been kind of reserved anyway, so I never did anything in public that could get around to my parents hearing about it. Over time I learned to be sneaky about the stupid shit I was doing. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was just a "good kid" and stayed out of trouble. They had no clue. While other kids were abiding by curfew and other rules I was off doing my own thing with my friends. I've actually always welcomed discipline in my life, because to me it showed someone cared enough to correct me. But not receiving any resulted in me kind of just doing my own thing. I had to figure out for myself what worked for me. Unfortunately, what works for me isn't what works for everyone else. And when that gets questioned I become defensive.  And mouthy. I'm starting to learn my mouth is going to get me in some serious trouble one day if I can't get it under control.

 I've always spoken my mind about things and have never really cared about what others thought about my opinions. I just kind of lack a filer. Lately, this has gotten me into some trouble. I'm slowly learning that as an adult, it's not so appreciated that I have an opinion about everything. Growing up, having an opinion was encouraged because it showed that I actually cared about something and that I was learning new things. Now it seems like having an opinion means that I'm questioning everyone I come into contact with. It also makes me seem self centered and arrogant. Sure, it's good to voice an opinion when someone is looking for it....but I kind of forget that daily. And most of my opinions contain language that it shouldn't. It turns out other people respect what I have to say much more when I'm not being a sailor. I've usually had enough sense to watch what I say in front of my superiors, but there have been a few close calls. I'm learning that not everyone agrees with my opinions, and not everyone wants me to share them.

Life is much more difficult without discipline. Rules are there for a reason. I'm beginning to understand why children shouldn't make rules. The world already has a way of doing things. Every child has a different opinion about how the world should work. And when a child is given the opportunity to go through life being allowed to express those opinions without correction, those opinions turn into reality for that child. She no longer questions how the world works, she just assumes what she thought about it initially was right. And because nobody corrected that, any time someone questions what she believes, it's considered an attack. Everyone SHOULD have opinions about things. That's normal. But it's also just as normal to accept that every other person also has an opinion and that we all have to meet in the middle somewhere. To a child that has been allowed to make their own rules, meeting in the middle isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of effort. There is so much violence and corruption in the world because there are individuals like myself who believe their opinions are more important than someone else's. Now, I'm not saying I'm a violent person, but I definitely feel frustration when something goes different than I think it should.

Hitting my head on a towel rack was a nice a quick lesson. Learning that I'm not always right isn't so instantaneous. I have to check myself daily. I'm slowly learning to appreciate the people that call me out. I've become a very defensive person in order to secure my opinions. My goal is to begin accept things aren't always going to turn out how I want. I've controlled so much of my life that it's really hard to let someone else be on control. It's hard to allow someone else to take the lead and show me how to do something differently. And it's really hard to take a step back and just let things happen. There have been recent situations in my life that I have zero control over, except how I react. Because I'm so opinionated I become extremely frustrated that I can't figure out how to fix it. In my head I know what should happen, but other people don't think like I do, so other people end up handling the situation differently than I would. I can't do a thing about it. One day at a time I'm learning to let God take control so I don't have to. I don't expect this to be a quick process, but I'm excited to see the potential I'll have as I continue to learn how to let go of myself.

"you can lead a horse to water..."

I was in a conversation today and an analogy I've never heard was thrown my way. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." As I heard it, I immediately wondered why I had never heard that before because I've lived out that analogy. A few of my close friends pushed me to better myself a few years ago. They fought as hard as they could for me, and I resisted them the entire time. Eventually it came down to me realizing the only way I could receive help is if I helped myself. Nobody can force someone to change. It all comes down to free will.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and I'm sure I'll probably find myself back in it again at some point down the road. But this is weighing heavy on my heart tonight because I get it. I get why people stay in the state of mind where they believe nothing anyone does is going to work anyways, so what's the point in trying? I've been there. It's easy to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation because it's unique to me. I know about the pride I have and how it's hard to admit that I need help. I remember thinking it's so much easier to stay in the hell I created for myself, because at least I'm familiar with it. Change isn't ever easy to embrace. It's hard to tackle the unknown with certainty. It's especially hard to embrace it when you're in a constant state of doubt. And nothing is more frustrating than EVERYONE around you being so certain of a "brighter future" when you're not. So I get not wanting to drink the water. Faith is something that takes effort to have.

Life is full of uncertainty and it's up to each one of us how we handle it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and in my experience it's always easier in the long run to take the leap of faith. Living in fear of the unknown doesn't allow for opportunity to grow. If I would have stayed where I was at years ago, I never would have formed the friendships I have, I wouldn't have a job that allows me to support myself, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as far as I am now. I was terrified of the change, but I was more scared of waking up and being 40 only to find out I missed out on living.

 Not being able to control an outcome is hard. It freezes me.. Most of the things I'm trying to change about myself are things I've been dealing with since I started developing into my own person. I think that's the case for most people. Back in high school, I was running to the things I'm now trying to escape. But when I was 14 I had a different mind-set. I was curious about the unknown. I wasn't worried about change because the ONLY thing that was constant in high school was change. After I graduated though and started to discover who I was, I found that I wasn't so open to change. Change to me after high school meant that I had to question who I was. And it was so difficult to except change because it literally meant revisiting what I had worked so hard to create...my walls. I built walls around myself for protection and allowing someone else to help me forced me to break down the walls I carefully structured.

Allowing people to help me was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was hard to knock down the barriers I knew and it was scary to walk blindly into my future. But I don't regret it, Looking back I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time excepting the help. I exhausted myself trying to hold onto my pride. Admitting someone else is right, doesn't mean that I'm wrong...it just means that I acknowledge there are other ways of doing things. But that also means I can't force anyone "drink the water" because I also acknowledge they have their own way too. It's all relative, but I've come to realize that only I can change myself. People can be there to guide me along the way, but ultimately it's up to me if I want to grow, Having that little bit of faith saved my life.

Anger: The beast that creeps

I've witnessed first hand what holding onto anger does to a person. It makes them bitter. You can have conversations with that person, but you never get to experience real joy with them. It's only joy to a potential that's limited by a wall of anger. It's like watching someone that's living a glass half empty kind of life. The mundane things in life are just that...mundane. It's depressing to watch that. Those small moments in life should be experienced! A person that holds onto anger has a very hard time appreciating those mundane things like a hug or a simple "I love you.". And it's noticeable. It hurts because you never think you can reach that person. It's hard to tell if the smile on their face is genuine. Joy never lasts for the person who holds onto anger. I've seen how a child's heart breaks because her parent wasn't able to show her that he cared. She knew that her father cared, but she cried most nights because the anger prevented him from smiling at her as she walked by. Her father never acknowledged her successes because he was too busy being angry at the mundane things in life to notice. Eventually I watched that girl grow up to think most people are just as angry as the ones she grew up with. Anger rubs off on people. That little girl became angry because nothing she ever did was good enough. Anger causes you to stay inside your head and prevents you from communicating when it matters. Nothing should be so frustrating that it takes up your whole life.

Personally, anger is a beast I've struggled with for most of my life. I've never really figured out how to let go of it completely, although there have been times I thought I was close. You would never know that looking at me because I'm a very easy going person. I genuinely love to be happy and cheerful. The people who know me have seen the other side of that playfulness I love so much. I tend to bottle up my emotions and not let people see the real me. So only the ones who know me have seen how this struggle with anger has controlled me at times.

Lately I've been having a hard time working through my anger, Because I don't like to let people see me angry, I keep pushing it to the back of my head to come back to for later. But every time I do this I keep adding to the crap that's already there and make everything worse. I'm struggling to break that habit. I'm a very transparent person, but opening up about myself on a real level is hard for me. I'm trying to break the habit I have of not talking to people when I need to. I believe this will help me to let go of some of the anger I haven't worked through. I stay awake at night because those thoughts that I so easily pushed back make their way to the front of my brain. And then my anxiety takes off with it. Letting go of some of that anger in a healthy way like talking to someone is going to help me in the long run. I'm legitimately scared I'm going to say something to someone one day because I'm so frustrated and I won't be able to take it back. I feel like I've gotten close to accomplishing that a few times actually. Words have such an incredible impact on people, and I don't want to be that person to use them in a way that damages someone for life.

Anger has done nothing but destroy me. Sure it has motivated me to be a better person at times, but it has killed my family, my personal relationships, and prevented me from forming new relationships. There are multiple days throughout my week that someone asks me "are you alright?" and say things like "boy you look pissed!"...but I'm not even angry. Apparently though, my heart has become so hardened from the anger, that I wear it without even knowing it. And my assumption is that if I wear it like a pair of jeans, then my attitude is also suffering. I've always had a dry sense of sarcasm and humor, but someone with an angry heart probably shouldn't be sarcastic. It usually just makes me sound like an asshole. In my case, I definitely come across as a jerk. My goal is to open up to people again and work through my anger in a healthy way so I don't become that bitter person I talked about above,

It's about to get real

Lately I have been struggling in a lot of areas that used to drag me down. No one is to blame but myself for that, BUT all of it could have been prevented. I don't have any intention of dragging myself through the years of torment again, but I know this isn't a battle that's won in a day. My whole life has been a battle. I figured since I "won" that battle, I knew how to live. Yeeeah....now I have to turn myself around. I don't know everything. I'm not even close to knowing anything if we're being honest. I'm forcing myself to stop over thinking every decision I make and think back to the more simple solutions my mentors have provided. They gave me the things I needed to survive, I just forgot. I won't lie, I'm sure I'll need someone to yell at me a few times and I could probably use a good ass kicking, but in time I fully intend to become that person I know I can be. Life is too short to dwell in my past mistakes.

These last few years have had their ups and downs. I've been ashamed to write new blogs posts that are "real" for quite some time now. I've been ashamed to admit that I'm not "healed" or fixed. Mostly I'm ashamed because there are a few people that read this blog that have been with me from the beginning of my journey that are going to be disappointed to read this post. I don't believe they will be disappointed because I failed, but because I chose to fail alone. I've always had the opportunity to pick up the phone or get in my car, but instead I've tried to do it my own way.

A few years ago I moved out on my own. I left the comfortable nest of my sister and brother in law. I left the security net I always had when I messed up. I walked into the front door of my first apartment a "new woman". Before I moved on my own, I had spent the last year learning how to "adult" and the year before that in St. Louis learning how to take control of my past. But something about being on your own is gratifying, It made me think that I it figured out. I no longer needed help from anyone. And for awhile that was true. Even now, as I sit here in my own place and I feel proud of myself. I've overcome a whole lot and should be proud. But I'm not proud of decision I made to try and do it alone. Living alone doesn't mean I'm just good to go and don't need help anymore. I've learned that I'm a very impulsive person and that I lack direction and discipline. I mean, I guess I've always known that...but I'm learning just how detrimental that is for my survival.plan as an adult. I've missed out on promotions, relationships, and many other things because of my lack of discipline. So I guess here's my "coming out" blog. This is the blog that going to start my new journey. This is the blog that's here to inform you I need accountability in my life and someone to kick my ass. (probably literally.) I've strayed away from the people in my life that were leading me. I've pushed away the friends that wanted to help me succeed.

It's not in my blood to give up. I know what I've overcome and I know what I'm capable of. I also know I sometimes need that push or kick to get me there. My goal is to try and realign myself with the God's heart. My prayer is that God won't leave me alone in my trying. I'm not ready to give up. Life may be rough right now, but when is it now? I've got to get out of the habit of thinking one rough patch is going to determine the next 5 years of my future. My future is what I make of it.