"you can lead a horse to water..."

I was in a conversation today and an analogy I've never heard was thrown my way. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." As I heard it, I immediately wondered why I had never heard that before because I've lived out that analogy. A few of my close friends pushed me to better myself a few years ago. They fought as hard as they could for me, and I resisted them the entire time. Eventually it came down to me realizing the only way I could receive help is if I helped myself. Nobody can force someone to change. It all comes down to free will.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and I'm sure I'll probably find myself back in it again at some point down the road. But this is weighing heavy on my heart tonight because I get it. I get why people stay in the state of mind where they believe nothing anyone does is going to work anyways, so what's the point in trying? I've been there. It's easy to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation because it's unique to me. I know about the pride I have and how it's hard to admit that I need help. I remember thinking it's so much easier to stay in the hell I created for myself, because at least I'm familiar with it. Change isn't ever easy to embrace. It's hard to tackle the unknown with certainty. It's especially hard to embrace it when you're in a constant state of doubt. And nothing is more frustrating than EVERYONE around you being so certain of a "brighter future" when you're not. So I get not wanting to drink the water. Faith is something that takes effort to have.

Life is full of uncertainty and it's up to each one of us how we handle it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and in my experience it's always easier in the long run to take the leap of faith. Living in fear of the unknown doesn't allow for opportunity to grow. If I would have stayed where I was at years ago, I never would have formed the friendships I have, I wouldn't have a job that allows me to support myself, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as far as I am now. I was terrified of the change, but I was more scared of waking up and being 40 only to find out I missed out on living.

 Not being able to control an outcome is hard. It freezes me.. Most of the things I'm trying to change about myself are things I've been dealing with since I started developing into my own person. I think that's the case for most people. Back in high school, I was running to the things I'm now trying to escape. But when I was 14 I had a different mind-set. I was curious about the unknown. I wasn't worried about change because the ONLY thing that was constant in high school was change. After I graduated though and started to discover who I was, I found that I wasn't so open to change. Change to me after high school meant that I had to question who I was. And it was so difficult to except change because it literally meant revisiting what I had worked so hard to create...my walls. I built walls around myself for protection and allowing someone else to help me forced me to break down the walls I carefully structured.

Allowing people to help me was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was hard to knock down the barriers I knew and it was scary to walk blindly into my future. But I don't regret it, Looking back I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time excepting the help. I exhausted myself trying to hold onto my pride. Admitting someone else is right, doesn't mean that I'm wrong...it just means that I acknowledge there are other ways of doing things. But that also means I can't force anyone "drink the water" because I also acknowledge they have their own way too. It's all relative, but I've come to realize that only I can change myself. People can be there to guide me along the way, but ultimately it's up to me if I want to grow, Having that little bit of faith saved my life.