Lately I have been struggling in a lot of areas that used to drag me down. No one is to blame but myself for that, BUT all of it could have been prevented. I don't have any intention of dragging myself through the years of torment again, but I know this isn't a battle that's won in a day. My whole life has been a battle. I figured since I "won" that battle, I knew how to live. Yeeeah....now I have to turn myself around. I don't know everything. I'm not even close to knowing anything if we're being honest. I'm forcing myself to stop over thinking every decision I make and think back to the more simple solutions my mentors have provided. They gave me the things I needed to survive, I just forgot. I won't lie, I'm sure I'll need someone to yell at me a few times and I could probably use a good ass kicking, but in time I fully intend to become that person I know I can be. Life is too short to dwell in my past mistakes.
These last few years have had their ups and downs. I've been ashamed to write new blogs posts that are "real" for quite some time now. I've been ashamed to admit that I'm not "healed" or fixed. Mostly I'm ashamed because there are a few people that read this blog that have been with me from the beginning of my journey that are going to be disappointed to read this post. I don't believe they will be disappointed because I failed, but because I chose to fail alone. I've always had the opportunity to pick up the phone or get in my car, but instead I've tried to do it my own way.
A few years ago I moved out on my own. I left the comfortable nest of my sister and brother in law. I left the security net I always had when I messed up. I walked into the front door of my first apartment a "new woman". Before I moved on my own, I had spent the last year learning how to "adult" and the year before that in St. Louis learning how to take control of my past. But something about being on your own is gratifying, It made me think that I it figured out. I no longer needed help from anyone. And for awhile that was true. Even now, as I sit here in my own place and I feel proud of myself. I've overcome a whole lot and should be proud. But I'm not proud of decision I made to try and do it alone. Living alone doesn't mean I'm just good to go and don't need help anymore. I've learned that I'm a very impulsive person and that I lack direction and discipline. I mean, I guess I've always known that...but I'm learning just how detrimental that is for my survival.plan as an adult. I've missed out on promotions, relationships, and many other things because of my lack of discipline. So I guess here's my "coming out" blog. This is the blog that going to start my new journey. This is the blog that's here to inform you I need accountability in my life and someone to kick my ass. (probably literally.) I've strayed away from the people in my life that were leading me. I've pushed away the friends that wanted to help me succeed.
It's not in my blood to give up. I know what I've overcome and I know what I'm capable of. I also know I sometimes need that push or kick to get me there. My goal is to try and realign myself with the God's heart. My prayer is that God won't leave me alone in my trying. I'm not ready to give up. Life may be rough right now, but when is it now? I've got to get out of the habit of thinking one rough patch is going to determine the next 5 years of my future. My future is what I make of it.
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