The other week I hit my head really hard on a towel rack in
the bathroom. I was leaning too far forward and as I stood up, BANG! I learned
something that day. I have successfully avoided another incident like that, as
I'm sure I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Pain has a way of
teaching you a lesson. The initial sting goes away, but there's a lasting mark
that stays with you for much longer. People have been learning lessons like
that for centuries. A child gets spanked when he does something stupid, and as a
result learns to discontinue whatever it was he was doing. I was never really
disciplined as a kid, so the only time I ever really learned from a mistake was
when I got myself hurt. Some kids were
jealous of me growing up because my parents were more lenient. As a kid I
absolutely loved the freedom I had. I've always been kind of reserved anyway,
so I never did anything in public that could get around to my parents hearing
about it. Over time I learned to be sneaky about the stupid shit I was doing.
I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was just a "good kid" and stayed
out of trouble. They had no clue. While other kids were abiding by curfew and
other rules I was off doing my own thing with my friends. I've actually always
welcomed discipline in my life, because to me it showed someone cared enough to
correct me. But not receiving any resulted in me kind of just doing my own
thing. I had to figure out for myself what worked for me. Unfortunately, what
works for me isn't what works for everyone else. And when that gets questioned
I become defensive. And mouthy. I'm
starting to learn my mouth is going to get me in some serious trouble one day
if I can't get it under control.
I've always spoken my
mind about things and have never really cared about what others thought about
my opinions. I just kind of lack a filer. Lately, this has gotten me into some
trouble. I'm slowly learning that as an adult, it's not so appreciated that I
have an opinion about everything. Growing up, having an opinion was encouraged
because it showed that I actually cared about something and that I was learning
new things. Now it seems like having an opinion means that I'm questioning
everyone I come into contact with. It also makes me seem self centered and
arrogant. Sure, it's good to voice an opinion when someone is looking for
it....but I kind of forget that daily. And most of my opinions contain language
that it shouldn't. It turns out other people respect what I have to say much
more when I'm not being a sailor. I've usually had enough sense to watch what I
say in front of my superiors, but there have been a few close calls. I'm
learning that not everyone agrees with my opinions, and not everyone wants me
to share them.
Life is much more difficult without discipline. Rules are
there for a reason. I'm beginning to understand why children shouldn't make
rules. The world already has a way of doing things. Every child has a different
opinion about how the world should work. And when a child is given the
opportunity to go through life being allowed to express those opinions without
correction, those opinions turn into reality for that child. She no longer
questions how the world works, she just assumes what she thought about it
initially was right. And because nobody corrected that, any time someone
questions what she believes, it's considered an attack. Everyone SHOULD have
opinions about things. That's normal. But it's also just as normal to accept
that every other person also has an opinion and that we all have to meet in the
middle somewhere. To a child that has been allowed to make their own rules,
meeting in the middle isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of effort. There is
so much violence and corruption in the world because there are individuals like
myself who believe their opinions are more important than someone else's. Now,
I'm not saying I'm a violent person, but I definitely feel frustration when
something goes different than I think it should.
Hitting my head on a towel rack was a nice a quick lesson.
Learning that I'm not always right isn't so instantaneous. I have to check
myself daily. I'm slowly learning to appreciate the people that call me out.
I've become a very defensive person in order to secure my opinions. My goal is
to begin accept things aren't always going to turn out how I want. I've
controlled so much of my life that it's really hard to let someone else be on
control. It's hard to allow someone else to take the lead and show me how to do
something differently. And it's really hard to take a step back and just let
things happen. There have been recent situations in my life that I have zero
control over, except how I react. Because I'm so opinionated I become extremely
frustrated that I can't figure out how to fix it. In my head I know what should
happen, but other people don't think like I do, so other people end up handling
the situation differently than I would. I can't do a thing about it. One day at
a time I'm learning to let God take control so I don't have to. I don't expect
this to be a quick process, but I'm excited to see the potential I'll have as I
continue to learn how to let go of myself.
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