numb

I've never had a history of sleep walking, but over the last 24 hours or so it feels like that's what I've been doing. Bad news never has good timing. This time is no different. One of my best friends is fighting for her life right now, and I can't do a thing about it. I've been here before. I have zero effect on the outcome of this situation. Yet I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. My first initial reaction is to numb the pain any way I know how. I know it's the unhealthy choice to try and suppress my emotions, but I'm choosing to ignore that reality because being numb is so much easier. It's hard to think about the "what ifs" and the "maybes" when there is potential for someone to ask the dreaded "how are you" question right around every corner. How do I even answer that? No one is ever really looking for a full answer, it just happens to be the standard go to question because when it comes down to it, none of us know what else to say to someone dealing with this kind of heartache. I deal with it by not dealing with it until I'm forced to deal with it. I hate showing my emotions. Crying in front of people is just embarrassing. And then there's the talking. Like real talking. At some point it's necessary to work through emotions. I just find this so hard because telling someone how I feel doesn't change the reality of whats going on. It's just redundant. I feel like I end up pissing people off when they ask how I'm doing. I tell them, they listen and sometimes offer advice, and then look at me like I should be fixed for the time being because I let some shit off my chest. They have this face that says "why do you still look so sad?". Talking can be cool, but I don't feel like it gets me anywhere. To top it all off, there's anger...and a lot of it. I don't have an explanation as to why these kind of situations make me so angry, but in times like this I feel like snapping on anybody that gets in my path. None of this changes what's going on. It just makes the situation that much worse.

Every one of us deals with bad news differently. Some people throw themselves into work, and others find their closest friends to cling onto. I don't know the best way to deal with anything. This post isn't very encouraging or uplifting...but it's what I've got to offer.