Who has the mask?

People always say that in order to give the person next to you an oxygen mask, you've got to put one on first. What do you do when the mask is out of reach for both of you? No one ever talks about that. As my best friend sits in a hospital bed on life support, it feels like I too can't breathe. There's this feeling of helplessness that overwhelms me. Every emotion that I'm thinking is impossible to actually feel. I'm numb. I haven't even begun to process whats happening. The minute I do that it all becomes real. I sit here and try to think about the past. Memories of us sitting by the pool having drinks or staying up all night talking about life and boys. I've never met anyone like Tanis. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she takes control and makes the most of it. Tanis has always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. Actually, she insisted on it. And as I sit here tonight, that's exactly where I'm at. Nothing about this is comfortable. It's ironic as she fights for her life she's still forcing me to step out and take life by the horns.

Tanis wouldn't want me to sit around and worry about her. She'd be telling me to calm my ass down and go do something. Stop complaining and get over it. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to do just that, I've been running since I got the news. I took off work the day after because I thought I wouldn't be much use there. Well, it turns out that the reason she's always telling me to do something when I feel like this is because sitting with my thoughts is detrimental. It did me no good to sit at home and worry. I couldn't change anything from my couch and I lost money in the process. Being around people at least helps distract me from my thoughts. I always think it does the opposite so I end up trying to remove myself from everyone, including the people that are trying to be there for me. The most ridiculous part about all of that is the minute I walk away, I realize that I should stay but I'm just too stubborn to admit it and keep on walking. I think it's the thought of getting emotional that drives me to leave. Because others around me aren't in it, I just don't feel like they understand. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand and I'm terrified they might which also means I might be forced to deal with my emotions sooner than I'd like. Whatever it is, I run. Somehow it always seems easier than it really is.
 
I have always feared the unknown. My head immediately creates scenarios and rolls with them...all of them. Eventually after I've thought of every possible thing that could go wrong I panic. It's great. I've naturally been doing the same thing over the last 48 hours since I've received this news. No one knows what the next few days will bring. All I'm left with is hope. I know that situations like this will make me stronger, but right now I feel weak. There isn't a thing I can do to change whats going on. But I can't let this control me. How can something that I have no control over control me? Life is always gonna try and find a way to bring me down. This is no different. I'm smart enough to know that things like this happen. I can't change what already is. As I try and work through this, I'm remembering that God is the only one in control. The one thing that I know is that in the midst of my fear of the unknown, God is always constant. He is in the middle of this. To answer my original question about who supplies the mask when it feels like it's out of reach? God does. I don't have to have it together. I don't think anyone expects it. I'm just gonna do my best and try to remember that as the next few days unravel.