sometimes words are harder than stones

Words effect others more than you think. Lately, I've been pretty self conscious of the words people have been speaking to me. A lot of it is in good fun and through joking, but some of it isn't so funny. I can't tell if I should be taking people seriously or not. I know who I am, and I know who God says I am...but it's really hard to walk that out sometimes when it feels like the whole world is judging me. Sometimes I struggle with these comments. Other times I just let them pass on by.

Words just hurts sometimes. People don't mean to hurt feelings most times. I know I'm like that all the time. I joke around way too much and then end up hurting someone's feelings without knowing it. I think that we all need to be more conscious of the contxt we are using our words in. Context can make the difference of someone's day. For me, I know it's hard to read the context of the situation sometimes. Other times, it's laid out there pretty clear. It's something I need to work on, but it's also something other people need to work o as well. You never know when an innocent comment ends up ruining someone's day. I'm praying that we can all become more conscious of one anothers' feelings.

this isn't really a blog, but more of a opinion and just what's been on my mind lately.

An update on life

As the months continue to pass since my graduation from Mercy Ministries, I grow continually thankful for the new life I was given through the grace of Jesus. As I've mentioned before, I was blessed to have the opportunity to move in with my sister and her family after I graduated. The purpose of this was to allow them to keep me accountable for my actions so I didn't slip back into my old habits. There have been a few close calls, but I've grown to trust them to not let me slip. They have helped me gain confidence in myself and learn how to live a drug free life. They've also helped me become a stronger person. I've had some major ups and downs since I've been back home and they saw me through each and every one...even when I became difficult. I don't have the words to express my gratitude.

Recently I put in an application so that I can move out on my own. This is definitely terrifying, but it's the next step in the process to independence. Part of me doesn't feel ready, but the other part of me feels ready to move forward and begin a life of independence and adulthood. They have been preparing me for this time since I got back. As the move out date becomes closer, reality has started to sink in. But I've become more excited about the idea of being on my own. The point of saying all this is that I've realized a very important lesson through all this.

Independence is learned through dependence. I know this idea doesn't seem that profound, but for me it's become mind blowing. Because I've never known a life without being dependent on someone, I've never been able to fully experience independence. But as I've grown in the last year, I've learned a few things about independence. The biggest thing I've learned is that when a person becomes comfortable with depending on people, it's time to make a step towards independence. This is true in all stages of life. It's a learning experience for sure. But I've learned that since I've become dependent on living with my sister it's time to take the next step. For example, with my budgeting I've become too comfortable in allowing them to keep me accountable. So here and there I'll spend more money than I know I should because in the back of my mind I know that the rent they are charging me will allow me to afford this splurge. Unfortunately when I move, I won't have that kind of money to blow. To me, this is an indicator that I need to take the next step so I can keep learning how to better budget on my own without their help. This is true when it comes to time management. and other responsibilities as well. I'm finally reaching a point in my journey that indicates it's time for me to move on.

So as I wait for the call from the apartment saying I can move, I will continue to allow myself to learn. I still make mistakes, so in those instances I know that I can still reply on the help that's been provided. But I will continue to try my best and keep pushing myself.

A tiny glimpse of an eating disorder

Being a woman has it's advantages, and disadvantages. In the culture we live in, body image is probably the number one issues women face. For me personally, most of my life I have been consumed with my body image. I've always wanted to be skinny and feel pretty. I grew up in a home of people that were skinny. My dad and brother could eat anything and not gain a pound. For a lot of my life, I was like that too. When high school hit, things started to change. I became aware of how food effected my body and became uncomfortable. A lot of girls my age were dieting or starving themselves. I always thought that things like that would never effect me, but slowly I became very aware of my body. Things became very hard for me. Eating in front of people became difficult. A lot of the times I would eat a small amount while I was around people, and then binge eat when I was alone because I was starving. But I noticed that I was gaining weight. I was never that unhealthy with my weight, but I somehow convinced myself that I was fat. I heard comments from other people that implied it. I shrugged it off in front of them, but the minute I walked away, I couldn't get over it. For the longest time, I lived with these feelings. Eventually my mind got the best of me and I began to starve myself. I began eating once a day and even that was a tiny amount. I exercised about 3 hours a day and rode my bike at least 30 miles a day. I was determined to be skinny. People began to comment that I looked good and commented that I had lost weight. This motivated me to want to lose more weight. The day before I left to go to rehab, I remember thinking that I was fat. But when I got there, they said they were going to weigh me. I weighed in at 100 pounds. I didn't think it was possible. I had to weight more. Without realizing it, I had convinced myself that eating wasn't ok. The pressure that I had put on myself was unreal. When I was away, I realized that people effected me than I thought they did. I compared myself to magazine models and 12 year old girls. I thought that women were supposed to be small to fit in.

While I was gone, things started to change. The program I was in forced me to eat. I was given the option to eat, or leave. I knew that I needed to be there so I could get rid of my drug problem and depression...so I slowly started to comply. Eventually I started eating 3 meals a day and being ok with doing so. I hit a huge bump in the road when I started to gain weight. But I learned that it wasn't unhealthy to gain weight. My body had been deprived of nutrients for so long, and after awhile it started to become"normal". I had to learn that gaining weight was a part of becoming a woman. Having curves isn't a bad thing. I eventually started to accept that I was supposed to have curves. I learned that weight isn't what defines me. I learned that God still accepts me and that people would rather see me with a few curves than see me starve myself. Sure, there have been times where I have become angry or guilty for eating, but since rehab, I've been able to overcome those feelings.

Since I've graduated from Mercy, I've learned to accept who I am and accept that my body will change. It hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm not who people say I am. I'm lucky enough to survive an eating disorder. There are girls out there who have died because of the pressure people put on them to be skinny. I'm lucky enough that I was saved before things got too bad. I'm blessed that there were people who were looking out for me when I was drugged up and being irrational. And I'm thankful for the strength God has given me to keep pushing forward. There are days when I feel like my old self and want to stop eating. There are days when all I want to do is use drugs. But I know that God has bugger plans for me. This blog was only a small glimpse of the struggle I went though. But I'm thankful to be able to share this little bit in hopes to encourage just one person.