31,536 000 and counting!!

There are 31,536 000 in a year. As many of you may remember, I had a post awhile back stating how many seconds were in a month. Those seconds represented how long I had been sober from smoking pot a that time. I'm extremely proud to say that it has now been over a year and a half since I have last touched that drug, or any other drug!! I wasn't able to stay sober after the first post, but this time I have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The methods I took to stay sober were drastically different than the ones I tried before. God was still the biggest part of it all, but this time I completely removed myself from my environment. Definitely not an easy task. It upset a lot of people that I left home and went to St. Louis for 6 months. I had to trust God the entire time to be reassured that I was doing the right the right thing by leaving. Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do and it was incredibly heartbreaking. It hurt my family, and it hurt the people around me. A lot of them didn't think that I needed to leave. But as I prayed about it, I knew it was what I needed to do. St. Louis turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to a place called Mercy Ministries. It's an all girls home, and they have places all around the country as well as outside of the US. The program is completely free to every girl accepted. It's run completely on donations, so the government can't say God isn't allowed in the teaching. Mercy is hands down one of the biggest blessings to any girl that has life controlling issues. I will always have a place in my heart for Mercy.

Going through such an extensive rehab program was insane. Most days I didn't think I was going to last. While I was there, I was still having strong temptations to use drugs. My sleeping patterns were thrown off, and I had to basically relearn how to function normally. As the seconds have continued to tick, things have become gradually easier. I won't say that I'm not still tempted to use drugs. I've even fallen into the trap of switching coping mechanisms and have drank more than I should. The thought of becoming an alcoholic to substitute being a drug addict is unacceptable, so I've taken the measures I've needed to so that doesn't happen. I've learned that coping with life doesn't have to involve any kind of substance. Although it's not my first reaction to want to turn to something other than drugs or any other substance, I've gained the strength to resist it when life gets complicated. "Coping" was always viewed as something negative before I went to Mercy, and even somewhat after I came home. In my head, it was something weak people did to mask the pain. Boy was I wrong. Coping is a natural response to life's circumstances. It's a healthy way to keep pushing forward in order to get to a point that you realize life isn't going to end when it gets tough. Coping was always so negative to me because I was in fact "masking the pain". I was using drugs as a cop out, instead of actually dealing with my problems. I was coping in unhealthy ways.

There are healthy ways to cope with life. Talking to someone and allowing people to be there for me is the biggest way I have learned to cope. It's not easy to do this. In fact, in a real backwards kind of way, I've found that I end up fighting and pushing the people that I respect. This makes is difficult for anyone to try and be there for me and keep me accountable. But sure enough, once I'm able to push past my own stubbornness, I'm able to take in what other people have to say. Another way I've learned to cope with life is to engage myself in hobbies. I've taken up archery recently, and have grown very fond of it! I absolutely LOVE target practicing and pushing myself to shoot better. It's amazing how well it helps me to take my mind off of things. When I'm done shooting, I've found that I'm much more relaxed than I was, and I'm able to think about things more rationally. Keeping myself busy is very helpful. I actually enjoy going to work and being able to joke around and have fun with my co-workers. I also know, that even in my work environment I'm surrounded by people who would call me out if they saw that I might have a problem. To me, that's huge. I know that wherever I'm at, whether it be at work or at home, that I'm surrounded by people that I can trust. That sense of security is probably the biggest thing for me since I've been back home.

Removing myself from my old friends was probably the hardest part of this entire process. I tried hanging out with them when I returned, but I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be possible to keep these people in my life if I wanted to stay sober. The temptation was just too big. It's much easier to say no to a stranger than it is to someone who knows you inside and out, and knows how to hit your weak spots. This was a very lonely and painful process to go through. Sometimes I still miss them, but I know what I did was for the best. Since I distanced myself from the old crowd, I was forced to find a new crowd. It took awhile, but I finally forced myself to join a small group at church. This has been HUGE! I love the people I have met and know that I've found some life long friends. These new friends, along with the one's I met at rehab, and even the few that stuck by my side through the Mercy stay have been amazing.

Life after Mercy has been incredible. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm blessed to be alive today. I wake up every morning and I'm thankful that I've been given a second, third, and many more chances to walk out my freedom. I thank God that He brought me out of the pit and that He has done such an amazing work in me. I know now that life is much more than "ups and downs". I've learned that it's about allowing myself to be open to change. It's about embracing it no matter what the circumstance is, because circumstances aren't whats going define how my story will end. I have to chose how to respond to life. It's about being thankful for what I have. It's being willing to let the world see what I have to offer and taking the risk that some may not like it...and being OK with that. It's about knowing who I am in Christ, and knowing what I stand for. I don't always get it right, but I'm learning that my mistakes and setbacks aren't going to ruin who I've fought so hard to become.

As the seconds pass,  I'm going to continue to embrace this crazy journey. I'm going to keep pushing forward. I still have things I need to work on, but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not rush things. I'm going to continue to allow those who I can trust to lead me where I need to go when I stumble. And I'm going to keep up the long process of learning how to humble myself and allow God to work in my life...even if it means being quiet and allowing myself to listen to Him and those around me. I'm thankful for all He has done, and all he will continue to do! So let the clock keep rolling!!

I'm lost

I'm waiting. but you never show up. Sure, your lips are moving, but those aren't your words coming out. They haven't been for years. A label is the only reason you recognize yourself. A label is what you've become. A thin white sheet of paper tells you who you are. Otherwise, you'd have no clue. You're lost within the pain. Life should be more hard, but you've taken the easy way out. Honestly, I don't know how to express myself and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I'm at a loss for words, so I just sit there. I sit and wonder what's going through your head. I wonder why things ended up this way. It drives me insane. I wish I could fix it. You say things are getting better. but I see past that. Things are getting worse every day. You're drowning and you don't even know it. Nobody can save you but you. I pray that you'll one day realize this. I pray that you'll one day understand that life is allowed to be complicated.

I live in a constant state of turmoil.I want to save people but I just can't. I take on burdens that aren't mine to bare. Life is difficult some days. I don't know how to move forward and I can't understand how to let go. A lot of the time I end up coping in ways that are unhealthy. I just don't know how to watch people slowly kill themselves. My heart just breaks for those who hurt. I know there are things that are out of my control, but I'm too stubborn to just move on. One day I know I'll find peace, but until then I'm going to live the best I can.

Lately I've been tempted to drown out the pain I'm feeling. I'm trying my best to not give in, but most days I find myself unsuccessful. I have a huge support system, but I'm not taking advantage of that. Instead I'm withdrawing myself from them so I don't have to deal with all this. I know that this post seems vague, but I can't go into details here. I'm asking that those of you that have managed to make it this far into reading this would pray for me. I'm feeling lost and don;t know what to do. All I can do is be there and pray that God will intervene.

sometimes words are harder than stones

Words effect others more than you think. Lately, I've been pretty self conscious of the words people have been speaking to me. A lot of it is in good fun and through joking, but some of it isn't so funny. I can't tell if I should be taking people seriously or not. I know who I am, and I know who God says I am...but it's really hard to walk that out sometimes when it feels like the whole world is judging me. Sometimes I struggle with these comments. Other times I just let them pass on by.

Words just hurts sometimes. People don't mean to hurt feelings most times. I know I'm like that all the time. I joke around way too much and then end up hurting someone's feelings without knowing it. I think that we all need to be more conscious of the contxt we are using our words in. Context can make the difference of someone's day. For me, I know it's hard to read the context of the situation sometimes. Other times, it's laid out there pretty clear. It's something I need to work on, but it's also something other people need to work o as well. You never know when an innocent comment ends up ruining someone's day. I'm praying that we can all become more conscious of one anothers' feelings.

this isn't really a blog, but more of a opinion and just what's been on my mind lately.

An update on life

As the months continue to pass since my graduation from Mercy Ministries, I grow continually thankful for the new life I was given through the grace of Jesus. As I've mentioned before, I was blessed to have the opportunity to move in with my sister and her family after I graduated. The purpose of this was to allow them to keep me accountable for my actions so I didn't slip back into my old habits. There have been a few close calls, but I've grown to trust them to not let me slip. They have helped me gain confidence in myself and learn how to live a drug free life. They've also helped me become a stronger person. I've had some major ups and downs since I've been back home and they saw me through each and every one...even when I became difficult. I don't have the words to express my gratitude.

Recently I put in an application so that I can move out on my own. This is definitely terrifying, but it's the next step in the process to independence. Part of me doesn't feel ready, but the other part of me feels ready to move forward and begin a life of independence and adulthood. They have been preparing me for this time since I got back. As the move out date becomes closer, reality has started to sink in. But I've become more excited about the idea of being on my own. The point of saying all this is that I've realized a very important lesson through all this.

Independence is learned through dependence. I know this idea doesn't seem that profound, but for me it's become mind blowing. Because I've never known a life without being dependent on someone, I've never been able to fully experience independence. But as I've grown in the last year, I've learned a few things about independence. The biggest thing I've learned is that when a person becomes comfortable with depending on people, it's time to make a step towards independence. This is true in all stages of life. It's a learning experience for sure. But I've learned that since I've become dependent on living with my sister it's time to take the next step. For example, with my budgeting I've become too comfortable in allowing them to keep me accountable. So here and there I'll spend more money than I know I should because in the back of my mind I know that the rent they are charging me will allow me to afford this splurge. Unfortunately when I move, I won't have that kind of money to blow. To me, this is an indicator that I need to take the next step so I can keep learning how to better budget on my own without their help. This is true when it comes to time management. and other responsibilities as well. I'm finally reaching a point in my journey that indicates it's time for me to move on.

So as I wait for the call from the apartment saying I can move, I will continue to allow myself to learn. I still make mistakes, so in those instances I know that I can still reply on the help that's been provided. But I will continue to try my best and keep pushing myself.

A tiny glimpse of an eating disorder

Being a woman has it's advantages, and disadvantages. In the culture we live in, body image is probably the number one issues women face. For me personally, most of my life I have been consumed with my body image. I've always wanted to be skinny and feel pretty. I grew up in a home of people that were skinny. My dad and brother could eat anything and not gain a pound. For a lot of my life, I was like that too. When high school hit, things started to change. I became aware of how food effected my body and became uncomfortable. A lot of girls my age were dieting or starving themselves. I always thought that things like that would never effect me, but slowly I became very aware of my body. Things became very hard for me. Eating in front of people became difficult. A lot of the times I would eat a small amount while I was around people, and then binge eat when I was alone because I was starving. But I noticed that I was gaining weight. I was never that unhealthy with my weight, but I somehow convinced myself that I was fat. I heard comments from other people that implied it. I shrugged it off in front of them, but the minute I walked away, I couldn't get over it. For the longest time, I lived with these feelings. Eventually my mind got the best of me and I began to starve myself. I began eating once a day and even that was a tiny amount. I exercised about 3 hours a day and rode my bike at least 30 miles a day. I was determined to be skinny. People began to comment that I looked good and commented that I had lost weight. This motivated me to want to lose more weight. The day before I left to go to rehab, I remember thinking that I was fat. But when I got there, they said they were going to weigh me. I weighed in at 100 pounds. I didn't think it was possible. I had to weight more. Without realizing it, I had convinced myself that eating wasn't ok. The pressure that I had put on myself was unreal. When I was away, I realized that people effected me than I thought they did. I compared myself to magazine models and 12 year old girls. I thought that women were supposed to be small to fit in.

While I was gone, things started to change. The program I was in forced me to eat. I was given the option to eat, or leave. I knew that I needed to be there so I could get rid of my drug problem and depression...so I slowly started to comply. Eventually I started eating 3 meals a day and being ok with doing so. I hit a huge bump in the road when I started to gain weight. But I learned that it wasn't unhealthy to gain weight. My body had been deprived of nutrients for so long, and after awhile it started to become"normal". I had to learn that gaining weight was a part of becoming a woman. Having curves isn't a bad thing. I eventually started to accept that I was supposed to have curves. I learned that weight isn't what defines me. I learned that God still accepts me and that people would rather see me with a few curves than see me starve myself. Sure, there have been times where I have become angry or guilty for eating, but since rehab, I've been able to overcome those feelings.

Since I've graduated from Mercy, I've learned to accept who I am and accept that my body will change. It hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm not who people say I am. I'm lucky enough to survive an eating disorder. There are girls out there who have died because of the pressure people put on them to be skinny. I'm lucky enough that I was saved before things got too bad. I'm blessed that there were people who were looking out for me when I was drugged up and being irrational. And I'm thankful for the strength God has given me to keep pushing forward. There are days when I feel like my old self and want to stop eating. There are days when all I want to do is use drugs. But I know that God has bugger plans for me. This blog was only a small glimpse of the struggle I went though. But I'm thankful to be able to share this little bit in hopes to encourage just one person.

Gay? Fine by me.

So Illinois recently decided to pass on allowing gay marriage. As a Christ follower, society tells me that I should be thankful for this. But if I can be honest, it hurts my heart. I know a lot of people who read this blog won't agree with my views, but I'm willing to risk losing some readers. I'm not gonna try to back up my views with bible verses or get crazy with my views and start a debate, because fighting over this topic is tiring and stupid. I'm writing to share my feelings on life like I do in any other blog post I write.

I personally feel like denying people the right to marry isn't just. I know I go against the bible I firmly believe in when I say that, but it's hard for me to deny someone the chance to have the rights that I have for being "straight" when people that I love are forced to deal with a civil union. Honestly, I don't understand how it effects anyone else that two people of the same sex want to be married. It's not my relationship, it's theirs. I am personally effected by this topic because people who mean the world to me are not allowed to share the same happiness I can. I don't get how it's OK to tell someone they can't share marriage. I've heard every debate there possibly is on this topic, and none of it matters to me. What matters to me personally is that I have to watch those I love suffer because other people can't get over something that shouldn't be an issue to begin with. For years, marrying someone of the opposite race was unheard of...but we got over that. I grew up with the moral of not discriminating against someone for what they believe. I grew up with the moral to love people no matter what. I grew up respecting that other people have different beliefs than me, but learned to accept them. Not everything I believe is accepted...I'm OK with that. I personally want to marry a man...but that doesn't mean I think every female needs to.

I know a lot of this is just rambling, but I'm saddened that gay marriage is such a crazy topic. I see things that I don't like every day. So I turn my head and continue on with the day. I'm not gonna walk around and hate people who dislike gay marriage. I'll just continue to turn my head. But I will always support my friends and family for who they want to be. I apologize if I upset anyone, but know that I too am upset that my loved ones are being ridiculed and spit on everyday for loving someone. My loved ones are hurting, and I hurt for them. I proudly support gay marriage.

If you want to see change, you can't fight the process

Stuck. It's a situation all of us find ourselves in at one time or another. If you're like me, you hate the feeling of helplessness. I've been in situations that have completely crippled me. That feeling is one of the worst feelings in the world. I think the only thing that might be worse is feeling like God isn't with me. But that's another topic. Change. It's the solution to being stuck. But unlike being stuck, change is usually a lot harder to accomplish. It's easy to get into a situation, but a whole lot harder to get out of it. Sometimes it takes years to change. And that change is a huge process.

 I love being in control. I know that I can't always be in control. Having a leader in my life is necessary, but it's in my nature to want to control the situation I'm in. When I feel like I'm not in control, I get anxious. It's hard to tell myself that some things are just not in my control. Sometimes I have to sit back and let life take its course, and other times the situation may just be too big for me. Whatever the circumstance, it's not always possible to be in control. Trying to control change just doesn't work. Now, I'm not suggesting that in the midst of change, people should sit back and do nothing. But I am saying that trying to control everything allows God to do nothing. I cannot play God because simply put, I am not God. But I can follow God's will for my life and allow Him to do what he does. What I mean is that sometimes when life goes wrong, it's actually right.

When I was trying to quit drugs I had to remove myself from my hometown completely. I know that seems drastic to some people, but for me it was the only way. The thing was, is that it took a long time for me to realize that it was the only way. I tried everything from removing myself from friends to going cold turkey. I tried going to church and I tried isolating myself completely. Nothing seemed to work. Talking to counselors and pastors didn't even help. Everyone I was talking to told me that I needed to remove myself from my home town for awhile. And I told everyone they were crazy. I was still under the impression that I could do it by myself. I didn't think that they knew what they were talking about when they said that I needed to leave. But something crazy happened when I stopped fighting everyone and agreed to leave. Life change happened. It was a totally God ordained event that I left to go to St. Louis for 6 months. Not only did I drop the drug habit, but I completely changed my life. God moved through my heart and I found Him. Once I started letting God do work in me, other people were able to start helping me. Before I left, people were trying to help me, but my heart was hardened. But I was expecting them to heal me. I learned through this process that people can help me, but God is the only one that can heal me.

If it was up to me, I never would have gone to St. Louis. But something in my heart was telling me I needed to go. Before I left, I knew God but didn't really have a huge relationship with Him. So when I felt the urge to go, in my heart I knew it was God. I knew this because it was an urge that I personally would have never felt. While in St. Louis I felt a whole lot more of that. I learned that those feelings to do something that I normally wouldn't do was actually not a feeling, but the Holy Spirit prompting me. Through obeying those promptings, I learned how to trust people again and ultimately learn how to trust God again. I learned that life isn't meant to be done alone and that I need help. I learned how to humble myself and throw away my pride. I still struggle with all of these things, but I'm getting better. I'm learning to led God be the leader in my life. I'm learning that he places people in my path for a reason. I learned all of this by learning to stop fighting the process of change. All of the things that have happened over this last year and a half  would have never happened if I would have continued to fight the process and do it alone. I'd still be a drug addict and still be hanging around the same people that brought me down. None of this was easy...in fact it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I can honestly say that it was more than worth it. The life I have now is so much more fulfilling than any bag of drugs I ever bought. I'm surrounded by people who love me for me and have my best interest at heart. I'm surrounded by unconditional love and most importantly I'm at a place in my life that for the first time, I can accept unconditional love. Life has not been the same since I started to let God in and stopped fighting the process. I miss it sometimes, but I would NEVER go back.

Childlike Faith

Whilst pushing my niece on the swing the other day, she randomly said to me, "you know those bad guys that try to steal you at night? Well when them try to take me, hundreds of mosquitoes will bite them and then I won't be scared. Them will probably die cause of all those bites.". This conversation and many others with that sweet little girl remind me of the innocence of children. 

Sometimes I need to remind myself to go back to the simplicity of having childlike faith. When I was younger and watched movies, things like talking animals or objects was just accepted. I never questions how those things or animals talked...they just did. Now when I watch movies like "Cars" with my nephew I wonder why their eyebrows don't show enough emotion. I get lost in contemplating the small things, instead of just accepting the big picture. While my nephew is enjoying himself, I end up missing the entire movie because I can't wrap my head around how those cars reproduce and if they did mange to, what kind of car would result? Would car brands have to merge?

As Children we don't think about how pure we are. Everything in life is so simple, and accepting things is easy. The choices we have to make aren't that difficult and if it happens to be difficult, taking the advice of a parent or guardian is easy. There are questions about why things are, or how we got here, but those questions have simple answers when we are young. As we start to grow older and form our own opinions about life, things become more difficult. We become aware of the bad in the world and start to wonder if we are safe.When we doubt the goodness of the world, there is always God to rely on. But as adults that's not always easy to remember. Little kids don't think to doubt things like that if we just tell them that God is good and his goodness overrides any bad. I wish that I had more childlike faith when life got hard. I need to start going back to the basics again and tackle life with a new perspective daily.

A Glass Half Full Kind of Love

Have you ever thought to yourself that your "love tank" was running a little low, even though you were being surrounded by a whole lot of love? Or have you ever went looking for love and found yourself falling short and getting hurt because it wasn't what you wanted? I've personally been in situations where I've wanted to experience a "certain kind of love" from someone and discovered that what I was looking for in that person didn't fulfill the hole in my heart. Love isn't something that that can be forced and love isn't something that you can alter. You can't experience the same love from every person you come into contact with. A parents love is different from the love of a best friend. The love you find at church is different than the love you find on a mission trip to another country. We are all wired to experience love from one another, but sometimes someone else's love doesn't measure up to our own standards of how we think we should be receiving that love. I believe that the reason a lot of us come up short when it comes to feeling loved by others around us is because we are looking for love in the wrong way. God's love is the only love that can make us feel whole. It's the only love that completes who we are. We were made as a result of His love for us. We were made by Love, out of Love and to love and be loved.

I think that it's fully possible to sustain a happy life living off of the love we receive from one another. But I believe that the love we receive from one another, as well as give out to others isn't love to its fullest potential. It's a glass half full kind of love. This is where it may get a little tricky. I personally believe that when I love someone, I'm loving them with everything I am. But the person who is receiving that love may not feel like I'm loving them will all I am. I know I've felt that someone should love me "better". But to me, the love I give is the best I've got. And to you, the love you give is the best you've got. This is why I call it a glass half full kind of love. In my own life, I've fought very hard for the love of my earthly father. Sometimes I walk away and I don't think he loved me"enough". But to him, he was showing love to me the best he knew how. I walked away feeling kind of empty. None of that is his fault. To him, he was giving me love to his fullest potential, but I felt empty because I know in my heart what love to it's fullest potential feels like. I know what God's love feels like. And nothing...I mean NOTHING compares to the love of God! My dad loves me very much, even if I don't always feel like it. But God loves me more than I can even comprehend.

The love we receive from God is the only love that is love to it's fullest potential. His love overflows our glasses. God is Love! How can we personally love anyone more than God loves us? We can't. We can give our best, but it's still nothing compared to the love of our creator. He is the definition of love. None of this should be discouraging though. If anything, it should be ridiculously encouraging. In those moments when you feel like your coming up short and that your love tank is half full, you should turn to God. God can make your heart whole, and God can make you feel more loved than any human being on this earth is capable of. God's love saves people. All we as humans have to do is accept that love. It's ours for the taking. We don't ever have to feel like we've come up short when it comes to love. God has all the love we will ever need!

Root Systems

Growing up with a father as a landscaper, I've always been interested in the outdoors. I'm not the most amazing gardener ever, but I always loved helping my grandma in her year when I was younger. One of the first things I learned about gardening is that weeds will destroy anything you're trying to grow. In order to kill them, you have to pull them out by the roots. If you just take the tops off, they will grow right back the next time rain comes. Effectively taking the roots out will allow a healthy garden to grow and prolong the life of your plants.

This analogy may not be mind blowing, but when it comes to dealing with problems in life, I think we need to go about solving said problems in a similar way that I was taught to garden. Attacking problems in life at surface level is like sticking a band-aid in a cut that needs stitches. It may heal the wound for a moment, but it will leave a lasting scar. But finding the root of the problem will allow you to really deal with the issue at hand. And just like weeds, if you don't take care of something fully the first time, the minute a storm in life hits you, the problem grows even bigger because you never handled it all to begin with. This results in making it difficult to get through something that comes up. Sometimes trees and plants grow so close to each other that their root systems start to grow together. In the same way, sometimes one problem that you have may have began as the result of a previous problem. This is another reason why it's important to take problems out by the root. Otherwise, you may not even know where to look when you're trying to solve a problem. And when that storm hits, instead of only needing to pull one root system out, you don't even know where to begin.

A lot of us carry baggage with us from our childhood. I know I do. Things happened when I was a child that scarred me for a very long time. When I was younger, I never dealt with those problems. As I grew up and started to use drugs, the thought never occurred to me that I may have been using so heavily because I was masking out the pain I never dealt with. So when I tried to quit on my own, I never ended up succeeding. I always figured that in order to quit I had to just remove myself from the drug and try to steer clear of temptation. Where that was partially helpful, it wasn't effective because every time I began to feel down about life, I'd forget about trying to resist temptation and go right back to using. It was the only way I knew how to cope. Finally the time came that I knew I needed a better way to deal with life other than drugs. But because I had just been putting band-aids on my wounds for so long, I had no clue where to start. While I was in treatment for 6 months dealing with my depression and drug abuse, I started to learn about root systems. I was told that I needed to face the problems from my past and really deal with them. I had no clue that a lot of my trust issues and depression stemmed off of events of my past. I had just figured that I was young and this is normal. But as I began to dig deep and discover some things, I started to learn a lot about the root systems that had grown over the years within me. And when I started to pull the roots out, one by one the heavy burden I'd been carrying for so long started to be lifted off of me. It was crazy how dealing with one huge root made it easier to cut off smaller ones. And it was interesting to see that a lot of the struggles I was facing weren't that big of a deal once I started to deal with the real underlying issues.

Today, when struggles happen I try to think back to what I learned while being away for 6 months. I try to remember that just coping with a problem isn't going to help me in the long run, even if it appears to take care of the issue at first. It has slowly become easier to cope with life knowing that I've gained the tools I need. Life wasn't intended to be easy, but it wasn't intended to be hard all the time either. I've had times where I've made it more difficult than it needed to be because I wasn't able to deal with it the way I needed to and humble myself to ask for help. So as life continues to happen, I'm going to continue to go back to my gardening guidelines and remember that the first step to a healthy garden, and healthy life, is to pull up the weeds that begin to take over by the roots!

"The Sharp Knife of a Short Life"

Years after my friends death, I haven't fully recovered. The impact that losing someone you love leaves on you is insane. I still have those days that I miss him so much. I wonder what life would be like if he was still here. He was such a sweet guy and had so much going for him. I don't understand why he left us so early in life. It hurts my heart that he isn't here anymore. I just miss him. Sometimes, when I hear about the loss of other people, I think back to my friend. I struggle to comfort those that have lost loved ones, because I too, have lost someone close. I know that there isn't a lot you can say to someone that is hurting. The best you can do is be there as they try to work though what happened. Going though this kind of pain is unimaginable. When it's unexpected, it's a whole new story. You just don't expect life to end for people the way it does. It makes you question everything and it makes you appreciate things so much more.

I've been hurting for my brother in law these past few days. He has lost a friend and I can see that he is hurting. I don't know what to say to him. I pray for him constantly. And I am reminded of my own losses in life and how hard they were. I've given him his space and done random acts of kindness for him to ease his load after he gets off work. In times like this, words just don't seem to help. Nothing does. Time eventually heals wounds like this...but it never seems like time moves quick enough. It seems like life starts to move in slow motion and you are doing everything you can to just make it through another day.

I know all of this seems like random rambling, but it's all I've got to say right now. Life isn't always easy. We know that it's going to end eventually, but when it ends unexpectedly we don't always know how to respond. It's tough. I'm praying for my brother in law, and praying for the family effected by this tragedy. Over the years, I've experienced a lot of death and I know how much it hurts. It hurts to watch those I love go through what I've gone through. So I pray that those effected are able to move forward and appreciate what' s in front of them more. I pray that they are able to get through this time. Dealing with life isn't always easy. We aren't given the answers we always want when it comes to asking questions. We just have to keep on living and make the most of what we've got. So, I urge those of you that are reading this to look at things in a new light. I urge you to begin to truly appreciate what you have, because you don't know when you're going to lose it. This isn't some game we are playing. We are here to love one another and help each other out. Don't be afraid to ask for help and acknowledge that you are hurting. Life isn't worth wasting because you don't feel like living. The actions you make effect more people than you know. So I encourage you to seek help if you're feeling down. I know this post is a bunch of rambling, but I know from experience that things really get tough sometimes. Don't let the hard times define you. Let them help you grow into a better person so that you can help others that don't quite know what to do when life gets hard. 

Jumping Off a Bridge

When it comes to learning to be your own person, we've all heard the question, "If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you?". Depending on who you're asking, the answer is a quick "no". Then there are the ones who try to be smart and say, "it depends on how high the bridge is." I was always the one with the second answer. In a way, I think that both answers elude to what kind of person you are. The one with the quick "no" is probably more likely to make better life choices, and the one with the smart aleck remark is probably more likely to follow the crowd. In either case, the person answering is learning a little more about who they are, and what kind of person they want to be. Peer pressure is usually a problem that is said to be dealt with when you're in school. But I believe that it's something we battle with our entire lives. Whether it's making the choice to say no to drugs, or buying the latest sports car, all of us are influenced by our peers. And some of us are more influenced by those around us than we might like to admit. Well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely influenced by the people closest to me on a daily basis.

Personally, I struggle with people pleasing. It's always been a problem of mine, but I just feel the need to be accepted. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but sometimes that need is taken too far. For a long time, the majority of the drug use in my past was based on the acceptance of other people. I wanted to fit in and feel loved by others. The people that meant the most to me were using drugs, so I figured the only way to get close to them was to be like them and join them...even when I was ready to quit. The need to be accepted lead to a massive delay in quitting the drug use. Even today, drug free, I struggle with being accepted and with people pleasing. I struggle the most when it comes to pleasing my father, as well as father figures in my life. I just don't ever feel like I meet their expectations of me.

When it comes to pleasing my father and father figures, I'm just at a loss. I have the knowledge that acceptance isn't necessary with humans because my father in heaven accepts me no matter what. But in the moment, I don't always think about that and I become frustrated that I can never feel "good enough". I try so hard to measure up to the standards of the men in my life and I always seem to come short. I know a lot of it has to do with he fact that I am hard on myself and place standards in front of me that were never even established. But there are those moments when they expect something out of me and I fail. It's in these moments when I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm human and not perfect. Instead, I beat myself up and get angry at the other person. My pride gets in the way and I start to argue with them about something that's really not that big of a deal in the first place. Once I start to argue they get mad at me. But because I'm not thinking straight, I read into this wrong. Instead of realizing that they aren't mad at me for failing, but frustrated that I'm arguing with them, I take it as they are mad at me for not doing a good enough job. Once that happens I find myself making excuses as to why I didn't do what I was supposed to and end up getting myself in a mess.

The other problem that comes with me wanting to please people all the time, is that I don't stand up for myself. I find myself compromising on my values and beliefs. When people question what I'm doing or question my motives, I don't always know how to respond. Sometimes I just do what I know I shouldn't do just so they won't think I'm lame. Other times I get in on the conversation and act like I'm down with what they're into so they don't think I'm lame. Later I walk away regretting that I said I was into something I'm not, but then find myself in a hole that just keeps getting deeper because my pride won't allow me to admit to them that I lied about being down with what they were down with. When someone questions my motives, I get angry and think that they aren't accepting what I'm doing instead of taking into account that they may have just been asking a question. I become critical of not only myself, but of others around me. I make it hard for people to get to know the real me because I'm so concerned with making sure they see the "me" I think they should see.

Lately, I've found that not a lot of people know who I really am, and what I'm really about. I got into a conversation today with a co-worker about what I wanted to do with my future, and when I told her I'm really interested in ministry, she looked crazy shocked. She couldn't even believe that I was a Christian. It made me take a  really hard look at myself. What have I been saying that made her think I wasn't? What actions were being displayed to where she had to question my beliefs? This really bothered me. I go to church every Sunday and love Jesus with everything I am, but I've apparently turned into the "Sunday Christian" instead of the "everyday Christian". Some people know without a doubt my love for Jesus, but I've realized that the people who I am meeting on the job and running into on a daily basis may not be seeing that person. So I have to question myself. I have to ask myself who I really am, and what I really believe. If I really am who Christ says I am, then why aren't others seeing that? I've realized that I need to work on people pleasing and the need to be accepted by others. All of this has created a facade that I didn't even realize I was creating. That conversation with my co-worker was a reality check for sure. It was also an opportunity to learn something about myself and begin to explore what I need to change. I am God's child and shouldn't be concerned with fitting in. I should be concerned with living my life in a way that glorifies Him. So from this point forward, I want to be the person that answers "no" when someone asks me, "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Waiting for Mr. Right

In an instant gratification culture, waiting is something that's hard to come by. We live in a fast progressing culture that is fueled by how quickly we can accomplish things. This may not always be a bad thing, and in some instances it's incredibly helpful. But when it comes to our personal relationships, instant gratification can be detrimental. If we carry over our desire to hurry things along, then we may miss out on meeting the person God has planned for us to marry. Let me expand this thought.

I recently read a facebook status that talked about waiting for the right person to marry. It said that settling for the "good" guy instead of waiting for a great guy is a mistake. Rushing into a relationship can lead to problems, and may lead to a bad ending. Waiting for the right person instead of settling is essential for a healthy relationship. As I read this status I got to thinking how important it was for me to personally hear. Being single isn't easy when most of my friends are dating, engaged, or already married. I feel like I'm behind the game. I've been waiting for the right guy for a long time. About a year ago, I was ready to marry my best friend, but doing that would have been settling. He was a great guy and we were compatible on so many levels. But he didn't have the values I was looking for in a husband. The marriage wouldn't have been terrible, and we probably could have made it work...but I knew in my heart that he wasn't the one. As difficult as it was, I ended the relationship. We still hung out, but keeping the friendship on a just friends level became too difficult and about 3 months ago I had to part ways with my best friend. This was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I knew it was for the best, but it still hurt me really bad. I walked away feeling so alone and completely defeated. As time went on I became more isolated. The pain I've experienced due to the loss of this friendship has been unbearable at times. But as I read this status I was reminded that the pain I'm feeling now wouldn't be anything to the pain I would have felt years down the road had I decided to rush into something I wasn't completely ready for, or someone I wasn't completely happy with. I've been learning more about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I'm interested in being married to. I've also learned that I'm not willing to settle for any man. I don't want to marry someone who I'm simply compatible with, but someone who is willing to challenge me. I want someone who loves Jesus before he loves me. I want a leader and someone who can support me. I don't want to sit around all day and wait for life to happen, but I want to do life with the love of my life and grow with that person. The list can go on and on, but I have standards that I'm no longer willing to set aside or compromise on because I'm tired of being single. Waiting is really hard, but I'm prepared to wait if it means that I'll have a happy and healthy marriage in the future. Until then, I'm praying for my future husband and praying that God will bring the right person into my life at just the right time in my life.

Learning to control my sarcasm

This isn't a profound statement or anything, but words have the power to really hurt someone. Biting my tounge is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm the kins of person that says whats on my mind before I think it though. I'm a realist and don't like to sugar coat things. When it comes to giving my opnion, but tend to force it on people instead of considering their point of view. I'm incredibly sarcastic and more often than not, my sarcasim comes across as me being rude or putting someone down. All of these things added into a 24 hour time slot makes ofr a rough day sometimes.

When it comes to my words, I don't usually intended to hurt people. It happens because it's easy to misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I forget that other people are sensitive and that other people don't always find my sarcasm humorous. I grew up in a home where sarcasm was used on a daily basis. I learned to hide behind sarcasm to mask my emotions. I've learned that sarcasm is often the root of anger, fear, rejection, or pain. As I've expressed in a previous blog, dealing with my emotions isn't something that's easy for me. This is a huge barrier in the way I communicate with others. Instead of just having a conversation with someone, I end up cracking a joke or poking fun at them at the wrong time. There is a time and place to be sarcastic, and every conversation definitely isn't it. I struggle to use it appropriately. I end up hurting someone's feelings and then struggle to be remorseful because I didn't think what I said was harmful even if they did. I put barriers in my relationships without even realizing it sometimes.

I know what scripture says about taming the tongue, but it's not always easy to put that into practice. For me personally, it's a daily ordeal to tame my tongue. I'm trying to learn how to be a better person. I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive person and to be more considerate with my words. I'm learning that not everyone appreciates my opinions and that there is a time and place to share them. My intentions are usually pure, but it doesn't always show. Growing up learning how to connect with people through sarcasm and jokes works sometimes, but I've learned it doesn't work all the time. Hiding behind sarcasm makes it difficult for people to get to know the real me. That with the mixture of my tendency to speak my mind makes me come across as a negative person. I pray often for God to make me more aware of my words so that others will be blessed by what I say and not hurt.

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” - Dr. Seuss

I once heard a pastor say, "If you're too busy playing the role of someone else, then who's playing you?" The minute I heard this, I couldn't help but relate to it. On more than one occasion I've definitely found myself playing the role of someone other than myself. I think a lot of it has to do with my need to feel like I have to please everyone.

I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.

Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.

I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.

Chosing the correct vessel

God places all kinds of people into each of our lives to use as vessels. Some are there to guide us, some to be mentors, and some to simply just do life with. All of these people have different roles, and all of them are there for a reason. Over the past few months I've been learning about the different roles people play in my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize the different roles people play in my life so I don't get frustrated at the people that mean the most to me. It's not fair to expect the same people to be there for me all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of my comfort zone and allow other people in. Sure, it takes a lot of humility, but that's all apart of trusting God. That's why God has placed so many people in all of our lives. I'm thankful for all the people He has placed in my live to even things out.

 An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.

Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.

The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.

Bringing Light into the Darkness

In the Bible, 1 John talks about Jesus being the light of the world. It says that when we honor Jesus and love Him, we are living in the light. When we don't, we are living in darkness. People who claim to live in a "dark" world, are people who are living without accepting Jesus. God is the light of the world, so the world cannot be without light, only people can. I think it's interesting to think that darkness can often be transparent. There is always potential for light to be present in the dark. People who know God can sometimes experience darkness, but they are never far from the light. I believe that those who don't know Jesus at all still have light in them, they just aren't aware of it. The ability to experience love is the ability to experience light, even in the midst of darkness. The ability to love is a gift from God, even if people aren't aware of it. So when love is being displayed, so is the light of Jesus.

To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.

Learning to Cope

The hard stuff we face early in life is necessary for later on in life. The high school experience is the perfect example. For a lot of kids, it's an awkward stage in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do in the future. Kids are harsh and hormones become overwhelming. Learning how to deal with your emotions is extremely difficult. But eventually this awkward stage passes and you learn how to deal with life around you and move forward. But for some kids, this never happens. Due to other factors, some kids drown out life and find unhealthy ways to cope, and therefore miss out on the necessary skills to deal with life properly. In high school, I became one of those kids, and drugs became that factor that hindered my ability to cope with life. Drugs destroyed my sense of being. When life got hard, I never dealt with it. Instead I drowned out all of life's struggles with massive drug use. I stopped living, and started existing. I just walked through my high school experience in a daze. When things got emotional, instead of allowing my body to work though them and learn how to process what I was feeling, I used drugs. Learning how to make new friends consisted of me seeking out other people using drugs. We connected on our similar interests, but never connected on a deeper level. I couldn't have fun unless I was high, so when I went out and was low on drugs, my experience wasn't very fun. I became bored very quickly when I wasn't high. Drugs made my life feel complete. They gave me a false sense of confidence and a false sense of being.

The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.

Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be  started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others. 

Turn the Page

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2 These two verses might be one of the most powerful verses in the Bible that I've ever read. The amount of truth they hold is insane! I, Sarah Giese, am not condemned for being a sinner because I have the Spirit of God living in me! The only problem with this is sometimes I forget to turn the page. I get stuck living in a Romans 7 mentality that I am a slave to the laws of sin and death. I get to thinking because I mess up that I can't be saved by God. But I've already been saved! Christ has already paid in full the debt that I should be held accountable for. What better news is there to hear when I feel like I can't be forgiven?!

So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!

My Testimony

A year ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries in St. Louis, IL. If you've never heard of it, Mercy is free program for girls of all ages that struggle with life controlling issues. I thought since it's been a year since I started this journey, that I'd share the testimony I wrote for graduation. I've been home about 6 months now. Before you dive in, I'd like to thank every person that supported my leaving for 6 months, and thank the people who have stood by my side over the years.

I was born Nov. 13, 1989 in the town of Normal, IL. Growing up was a challenge for me. I have two loving parents, but I never thought they were able to provide the love I felt like I needed. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and made it my mission to cling to him as much as possible. But my dad has always struggled with anger for as long as I can remember. He’s extremely funny and sarcastic, but most times you had to catch him in a good mood to experience that. He worked a lot and was usually stressed out from that. My mom is the opposite. She has always given us kids more love than we knew what to do with. She is still that person today. My dad is also much happier today, but back then because I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted from my dad I began detaching myself emotionally from my mom which I think threw her off a bit. To add onto that I started to notice that my parents were fighting a lot. I love my parents very much, but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them about some things. So around the age of 6 when my sister and I were sexually abused, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my sister spoke up, and even though I didn’t admit to anything we were sent to counseling. That plan backfired when the counselor we were seeing for abuse also abused us. About that same time my neighbor also abused me. Around this time at about the age of 7, my parents got a divorce. Once that happened my mom moved out and eventually started living with an old HS friend, who is now my step dad. Steve is a great guy and connected with him with our similar interests in music, sports, and video games. Due to my dad working all day, we stayed with my mom and Steve a lot. I kind of distanced myself from my relationship with my mom and Steve, mostly because I wanted to be around my dad all the time. I spent a lot of weekends with my dad. I loved going over to his house, but I always left feeling pretty empty. Unconditional love wasn’t a term I knew back then, but I thought from the way I was seeing things, that love wasn’t supposed to look like that. My parents do love me unconditionally, but I just wasn’t able to see that at that age.


​I began to feel lonely and depressed. Around junior high, I started to become extremely active in my church and spent as much time as I possibly could there. My favorite thing to do there was debate with the youth leaders and kids on my views of God. I fell in love with studying the bible to understand it more in order to try and win arguments. But going to church didn’t solve my depression. It just gave me an excuse to not be at home. By this time I had begun cutting myself. The cutting only lasted a short while, but I was ready to give up on life. I wrote a new suicide note every night for at least 2 months and spent countless nights on the internet looking up ways to kill myself. I could never find the courage to go through with it, so I got into self-destructive behaviors. Near the beginning of my freshmen year I got suspended 15 days for selling alcohol to the students. By the end of that year I was drinking off and on and smoking pot daily. I was still attending church all this time, but now I was high while going. By the time my junior year rolled around I was dealing Adderall, Xanax, and pot, using both pot and Xanax, drinking, and even experimented with morphine. Pot was always my drug of choice and I was high literally 24/7. I smoked before school, and popped Xanax during school to keep me high until I got home to smoke more. Since I was dealing, I was able to keep a steady supply enough to allow me to never come down. I was using to eat, sleep, and basically function. Throughout school, my teachers knew I was using, but nobody ever turned me in. During one of my philosophy classes my junior year, my teacher posed the question, “if the big bang theory is correct, then what put those two into motion?” my need to understand everything drove me to study the question and I concluded that God had to have created me and the rest of the world. But even with this new found knowledge, I chose drugs over Jesus.

When I was 18 I met a guy and we instantly fell in love. He also used drugs, so I found myself using even more if that possible. I moved in with him when I was 19. While living with him, my life became consumed with him and drugs. We were dealing and using all day. I was eventually introduced to opium and fell in love with the feeling. Opium wasn’t used very often, but we did spend all of our time figuring out how to keep a steady supply of pot in the house. We spent anywhere from $20-$120 a day on drugs and pawned whatever we could if we were short on cash. At one point we realized some of the opium we were smoking was actually black tar heroin. I went through periods where the drug life became too much for me because I was still extremely active in the church, even if I was high. I’d go through random weeks of choosing God over drugs, and then go right back into using again. During the summer of 2010, I was baptized and thought I was done with drugs for good. But the sobriety only lasted a short while because I wasn’t allowing God into my life. I thought I could handle hanging with the same crowd and still found myself with the guy I had been with. Even though we were no longer dating, we remained best friends and inseparable. I continued to go to his house every day and hang out with our friends and his family. Over time, his family became like my family. But tragedy struck on Sept. 11, 2010 when his cousin Justin overdosed on heroin and slipped into a coma. We spent nearly a week with him in the hospital at his bedside, but Justin lost the battle on Sept 16, 2010. This absolutely crushed me. I took this loss really hard, but was never able to fully grieve because I felt like I had to be strong for his family. My life spiraled out of control and I slipped further into a deep depression. The drug use got worse and began to lose a lot of weight. My parents had no clue that I was struggling so hard, but my pastors knew everything. I was still meeting with them, but wasn’t getting anywhere because I couldn’t stop using. Every time I met with them I was too high to take anything away. Finally though in the summer of 2011, after numerous failed attempts of me trying to quit, my pastors couldn’t let me continue living this way. They began pushing me to seek professional help or rehab. Rehab was the “r” word to me and completely out of the question, so I usually got mad at the mention of it and turned them down. Eventually though I got to a place where I knew if I didn’t get help I’d potentially end up dead. So through a series of God ordained events, I was introduced to a place called Mercy Ministries. They told me it was a Christ centered rehab that was free of charge. Since I was broke and unwilling to tell my parents what I was doing, I decided to at least fill out the application. Shortly after beginning the application, I walked away for a few months because I wasn’t willing to give up the drugs just yet. I eventually returned to the application and filled it out high as a kite. I didn’t think I was going to get in anyway, so I continued to use throughout the entire application process until they told me that I had to stop using at least two weeks before I got there, otherwise I’d be sent to a detox that wasn’t paid for. I knew I couldn’t risk that, so I told God that if I quit using He’d have to help me. I kept drinking, but took my last hit of pot on Feb 15, 2012. The very next day I got the call that I was accepted into the program. It was totally a God thing.
I walked into the doors of Mercy on March 1, 2012, exactly two weeks after I took my last hit. I haven’t touched pot since. But I walked in extremely angry and reluctant. I knew I wanted help, but I was still under the impression that 6 months for a drug problem was outrageous. I wasn’t willing to admit it, but drugs were only part of the problem. I was 100lbs, very angry, and severely depressed. I was in denial of most my issues and became angry when anyone tried to approach me or tell me to do something. My first week there, while in a fit of anger, one of the staff members told me that I needed to trust her to help me. I could wait a month, or 6 months to do it, but until I began trusting someone I was going to go nowhere. I walked away so angry from that conversation, but those words have not left me since. Since being at Mercy, I have learned to trust people and that by trusting people I can ultimately learn how to trust God. I also learned a lot about submission and resistance, since I spent the first 3 months resisting the program. When I became frustrated that I wasn’t changing, it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t changing because I was still trying to do it on my own. It turns out that trying to do things on my own doesn’t allow God to do any work at all. I also learned a lot about how to control my anger and how to be angry without blowing it. (Thanks Lisa Bevere!). The biggest thing I am taking away from mercy is my ability to accept that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. Through experiencing the unconditional love of the staff at Mercy, I was able to witness that God also loves me. I had Godly people in my life before mercy showing me what unconditional love looks like, but I was never in a place to receive it because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Now, you couldn’t convince me that God doesn’t love me. It took me a while, but all of the knowledge I knew about who God is and what His love looks like eventually moved from my head to my heart.

Life after Mercy hasn't been the easiest thing in the world though. Sure I'm now drug free, but I'm also back in the "real World". I had to relearn how to be me once I got home, because the me I, and everyone else knew is gone. Most of the people I used to hang out with are no longer in my life. My best friend and I still hung out, but things took a nasty turn for the worse in our relationship when he made a mistake he wasn't able to take back. As a result, I had to let go of our friendship. Before walking out the doors, Mercy stressed that things weren't going to go the way we wanted them to. The good news is that Mercy didn't allow a single girl to graduate until they were able to cling on to the fact that even when things go wrong, God is still right there. Trusting that God will still be there to guide me has been the difference in continuing to walk in freedom after Mercy. I am confident that He will keep providing the things I need, and I am confident that He is there with me every step of the way. Life without God just isn't possible for me. Things haven't been all bad either since I've graduated from the program. I've been able to find a steady job, a car, and been blessed beyond words to live with my sister and her family until I'm able to find a place of my own. This has been the most exciting thing about being home actually. I love where I'm at. I'm learning so much, and as hard as it is to submit to my sister and her husbands rules, I'm grateful that they love me enough to keep me accountable. My life is never going to be the same after going through this amazing experience over the last year. God is a God of a million chances. I'm so grateful for that, because honestly, I didn't believe I was worth the chance I was given after what seemed like the millionth time of failing to quit using drugs and drop the lifestyle I knew was dragging me down. 

Transformation

It's been said that once you're an addict, you're always an addict. Personally, I think that's ridiculous. I know this because I can say that I used to be an addict, and no longer am. I recently spent 6 months in a home for girls to deal with my drug addiction, among other things. There I learned that I was not only addicted to drugs, I was addicted to a cray life style. I also learned that you don't always have to be an addict, or always "recovering". It's a lie that a whole lot of people buy into, because treatment programs all over the world drill it into their heads. But not all treatment centers allow God into the program. Mercy Ministries does. They base their entire program on biblical principles, and I'll tell you what...it's incredible. They have this saying there, that God isn't in the treatment business, he's in the transformation business. The first time I heard that, I honestly thought it was cheesy. But after a few months, I have found this to be true. God says that we are not destined to live in bondage all our lives, and living under the belief that you are always an addict is living a life of bondage. Sure, some drugs and other things will always be tempting, but temptation doesn't mean that you have to give in. Jesus was tempted all his life, and never once gave in. I believe that with the help of God, people can overcome anything. This includes addiction. Like a lot of people, I have an addictive personality, but with the help of Jesus and people that hold me accountable, I am able to walk in freedom daily. I'm thankful that Jesus loves me enough to set me free from the things I thought would always hold me back. And I'm thankful He gives everyone the chance to experience the same freedom I have experienced!

Submission: The Pride Killer

I think it's interesting how often humans fight the concept of parenting. Parents can be obnoxious people, especially to the person who is trying to do life on their own. Humans have a natural instinct to want to do things by themselves and learn the hard way. Parents have a natural instinct to want to be there every step of the way and help the child out. So I guess it would be natural that there would be a conflict. I've been thinking a lot about that conflict lately.

Growing up, I had two very different parenting styles to deal with because my parents were divorced. I had the helicopter mom, and the father who let us learn things the hard way. Experiencing both was interesting. There wasn't a lot of constant guidance to follow. Things were very inconsistent. As a result, I grew up kind of resenting the idea of authority. Anyone who told me what to do, or how to it usually got a mouth full. I won't lie, telling me to do something even to this day still provokes the occasional bad attitude. Definitely a learning process. But back to the point. Authority is something that I believe a lot of people struggle with. But it's not just the struggle of too much authority...it's also the lack of it. A lot of times growing up I was jealous of the kids who had authority figures telling them what to do all the time. I believe that it's natural to want to have a leader in your life. When there is a lack of a constant leader in someones life, a lack of respect occurs as a result. So now, as an adult, I don't respect authority like I should. Ironically, even though I get upset by people trying to tell me what to do, I also welcome the idea of it. But what I find so interesting about all of this is that human authority has a natural flaw because humans themselves are flawed. No one persons authority will be better than anyone elses. God's authority on the other hand is flawless. Yet, I see a huge correlation in the way we respond to god's authority in our lives as we do with human authority figures. We long for Him to guide us, and then get pissed off when He tries. There's a natural want for Him to lead us, and a natural human desire to do it our own way.

Learning about submission I think is the best remedy to allowing God, and people to lead you. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning about submission. It's hands down one of the hardest lessons I think I've ever had to learn. I'm definitely still learning, but the beginning was awful. I was a hot mess. You could have told me to go left and I would have gone right just because I wanted to irritate you. I fought everything. Slowly but surely though, I learned to trust the people around me. They had great Godly intentions and the things they were teaching me were biblically sound. By learning to trust them, I ultimately learned to trust God. I even got to see the flaw in their teaching. I say this as a good thing, because it further proves that God's authority is the only one that is flawless. People may fail you, but God doesn't. The biggest thing I learned was that by trying to do everything my own way pushes God out of the picture. It leaves no room for Him to do any work in my life. I used to get SO angry that God wasn't doing anything and was convinced that He wasn't even trying. But I was so busy trying to do everything the way I thought it needed to be done, I wasn't even looking for God. Like a good parent, God let me do things my own way and fail...but unlike a parent that doesn't care, He eventually stepped in to show me that I was doing things wrong and showed me the correct way. Failure isn't a bad thing, and God allows us to fail all the time. But He will step in when we ask for His help. I'm a pretty prideful person, so asking for help isn't really in my nature. I usually only ask when I feel like I want to murder someone. The good news is that God is right there, ready to tell me how to do it. Submission kills pride. And it hurts. Learning to submit isn't easy, and usually painful. But learning submission has also allowed me to experience freedom. It's allowed me to learn to ask questions when I need help instead of getting so worked up I quit. I'm still learning to submit to human authority. I even fight God's authority too, but I'm definitely getting better. Right now I'm in place where I have to humble myself daily and submit to authority. It tests me to the limit sometimes. I fight it until I'm blue in the face, but eventually I get to a place where I know what they are saying is correct. A lot of the time I actually knew it all along, but my natural desire to do it my way sometimes outweighs submitting right away.

I don't think any of us are ever going to be in a place in life where we are beyond the point of needing to submit to authority. In a parent child relationship, in the work force, even out in every day life, we all have to listen to The Man. But past that, we are all also accountable to listening to what God has to say about things. As a Christian, it's my job to listen to what God says, but it's also my job to humble myself and listen to what those in charge of me have to say. I think in some ways, submission makes life easier. It takes the pressure off of the need to always be right. It allows room for failure, and it allows room for correction. Submission is a life long lesson, but I think it may be one of the most valuable lesson any one person will ever learn.