Stuck. It's a situation all of us find ourselves in at one time or another. If you're like me, you hate the feeling of helplessness. I've been in situations that have completely crippled me. That feeling is one of the worst feelings in the world. I think the only thing that might be worse is feeling like God isn't with me. But that's another topic. Change. It's the solution to being stuck. But unlike being stuck, change is usually a lot harder to accomplish. It's easy to get into a situation, but a whole lot harder to get out of it. Sometimes it takes years to change. And that change is a huge process.
I love being in control. I
know that I can't always be in control. Having a leader in my
life is necessary, but it's in my nature to want to control the
situation I'm in. When I feel like I'm not in control, I get anxious.
It's hard to tell myself that some things are just not in my control.
Sometimes I have to sit back and let life take its course, and other
times the situation may just be too big for me. Whatever the
circumstance, it's not always possible to be in control. Trying to control change just doesn't work. Now, I'm not suggesting that in the midst of change, people should sit back and do nothing. But I am saying that trying to control everything allows God to do nothing. I cannot play God because simply put, I am not God. But I can follow God's will for my life and allow Him to do what he does. What I mean is that sometimes when life goes wrong, it's actually right.
When I was trying to quit drugs I had to remove myself from my hometown completely. I know that seems drastic to some people, but for me it was the only way. The thing was, is that it took a long time for me to realize that it was the only way. I tried everything from removing myself from friends to going cold turkey. I tried going to church and I tried isolating myself completely. Nothing seemed to work. Talking to counselors and pastors didn't even help. Everyone I was talking to told me that I needed to remove myself from my home town for awhile. And I told everyone they were crazy. I was still under the impression that I could do it by myself. I didn't think that they knew what they were talking about when they said that I needed to leave. But something crazy happened when I stopped fighting everyone and agreed to leave. Life change happened. It was a totally God ordained event that I left to go to St. Louis for 6 months. Not only did I drop the drug habit, but I completely changed my life. God moved through my heart and I found Him. Once I started letting God do work in me, other people were able to start helping me. Before I left, people were trying to help me, but my heart was hardened. But I was expecting them to heal me. I learned through this process that people can help me, but God is the only one that can heal me.
If it was up to me, I never would have gone to St. Louis. But something in my heart was telling me I needed to go. Before I left, I knew God but didn't really have a huge relationship with Him. So when I felt the urge to go, in my heart I knew it was God. I knew this because it was an urge that I personally would have never felt. While in St. Louis I felt a whole lot more of that. I learned that those feelings to do something that I normally wouldn't do was actually not a feeling, but the Holy Spirit prompting me. Through obeying those promptings, I learned how to trust people again and ultimately learn how to trust God again. I learned that life isn't meant to be done alone and that I need help. I learned how to humble myself and throw away my pride. I still struggle with all of these things, but I'm getting better. I'm learning to led God be the leader in my life. I'm learning that he places people in my path for a reason. I learned all of this by learning to stop fighting the process of change. All of the things that have happened over this last year and a half would have never happened if I would have continued to fight the process and do it alone. I'd still be a drug addict and still be hanging around the same people that brought me down. None of this was easy...in fact it was literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I can honestly say that it was more than worth it. The life I have now is so much more fulfilling than any bag of drugs I ever bought. I'm surrounded by people who love me for me and have my best interest at heart. I'm surrounded by unconditional love and most importantly I'm at a place in my life that for the first time, I can accept unconditional love. Life has not been the same since I started to let God in and stopped fighting the process. I miss it sometimes, but I would NEVER go back.
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