There are 31,536 000 in a year. As many of you may remember, I had a post awhile back stating how many seconds were in a month. Those seconds represented how long I had been sober from smoking pot a that time. I'm extremely proud to say that it has now been over a year and a half since I have last touched that drug, or any other drug!! I wasn't able to stay sober after the first post, but this time I have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The methods I took to stay sober were drastically different than the ones I tried before. God was still the biggest part of it all, but this time I completely removed myself from my environment. Definitely not an easy task. It upset a lot of people that I left home and went to St. Louis for 6 months. I had to trust God the entire time to be reassured that I was doing the right the right thing by leaving. Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do and it was incredibly heartbreaking. It hurt my family, and it hurt the people around me. A lot of them didn't think that I needed to leave. But as I prayed about it, I knew it was what I needed to do. St. Louis turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to a place called Mercy Ministries. It's an all girls home, and they have places all around the country as well as outside of the US. The program is completely free to every girl accepted. It's run completely on donations, so the government can't say God isn't allowed in the teaching. Mercy is hands down one of the biggest blessings to any girl that has life controlling issues. I will always have a place in my heart for Mercy.
Going through such an extensive rehab program was insane. Most days I didn't think I was going to last. While I was there, I was still having strong temptations to use drugs. My sleeping patterns were thrown off, and I had to basically relearn how to function normally. As the seconds have continued to tick, things have become gradually easier. I won't say that I'm not still tempted to use drugs. I've even fallen into the trap of switching coping mechanisms and have drank more than I should. The thought of becoming an alcoholic to substitute being a drug addict is unacceptable, so I've taken the measures I've needed to so that doesn't happen. I've learned that coping with life doesn't have to involve any kind of substance. Although it's not my first reaction to want to turn to something other than drugs or any other substance, I've gained the strength to resist it when life gets complicated. "Coping" was always viewed as something negative before I went to Mercy, and even somewhat after I came home. In my head, it was something weak people did to mask the pain. Boy was I wrong. Coping is a natural response to life's circumstances. It's a healthy way to keep pushing forward in order to get to a point that you realize life isn't going to end when it gets tough. Coping was always so negative to me because I was in fact "masking the pain". I was using drugs as a cop out, instead of actually dealing with my problems. I was coping in unhealthy ways.
There are healthy ways to cope with life. Talking to someone and allowing people to be there for me is the biggest way I have learned to cope. It's not easy to do this. In fact, in a real backwards kind of way, I've found that I end up fighting and pushing the people that I respect. This makes is difficult for anyone to try and be there for me and keep me accountable. But sure enough, once I'm able to push past my own stubbornness, I'm able to take in what other people have to say. Another way I've learned to cope with life is to engage myself in hobbies. I've taken up archery recently, and have grown very fond of it! I absolutely LOVE target practicing and pushing myself to shoot better. It's amazing how well it helps me to take my mind off of things. When I'm done shooting, I've found that I'm much more relaxed than I was, and I'm able to think about things more rationally. Keeping myself busy is very helpful. I actually enjoy going to work and being able to joke around and have fun with my co-workers. I also know, that even in my work environment I'm surrounded by people who would call me out if they saw that I might have a problem. To me, that's huge. I know that wherever I'm at, whether it be at work or at home, that I'm surrounded by people that I can trust. That sense of security is probably the biggest thing for me since I've been back home.
Removing myself from my old friends was probably the hardest part of this entire process. I tried hanging out with them when I returned, but I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be possible to keep these people in my life if I wanted to stay sober. The temptation was just too big. It's much easier to say no to a stranger than it is to someone who knows you inside and out, and knows how to hit your weak spots. This was a very lonely and painful process to go through. Sometimes I still miss them, but I know what I did was for the best. Since I distanced myself from the old crowd, I was forced to find a new crowd. It took awhile, but I finally forced myself to join a small group at church. This has been HUGE! I love the people I have met and know that I've found some life long friends. These new friends, along with the one's I met at rehab, and even the few that stuck by my side through the Mercy stay have been amazing.
Life after Mercy has been incredible. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm blessed to be alive today. I wake up every morning and I'm thankful that I've been given a second, third, and many more chances to walk out my freedom. I thank God that He brought me out of the pit and that He has done such an amazing work in me. I know now that life is much more than "ups and downs". I've learned that it's about allowing myself to be open to change. It's about embracing it no matter what the circumstance is, because circumstances aren't whats going define how my story will end. I have to chose how to respond to life. It's about being thankful for what I have. It's being willing to let the world see what I have to offer and taking the risk that some may not like it...and being OK with that. It's about knowing who I am in Christ, and knowing what I stand for. I don't always get it right, but I'm learning that my mistakes and setbacks aren't going to ruin who I've fought so hard to become.
As the seconds pass, I'm going to continue to embrace this crazy journey. I'm going to keep pushing forward. I still have things I need to work on, but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not rush things. I'm going to continue to allow those who I can trust to lead me where I need to go when I stumble. And I'm going to keep up the long process of learning how to humble myself and allow God to work in my life...even if it means being quiet and allowing myself to listen to Him and those around me. I'm thankful for all He has done, and all he will continue to do! So let the clock keep rolling!!
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