Jumping Off a Bridge

When it comes to learning to be your own person, we've all heard the question, "If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you?". Depending on who you're asking, the answer is a quick "no". Then there are the ones who try to be smart and say, "it depends on how high the bridge is." I was always the one with the second answer. In a way, I think that both answers elude to what kind of person you are. The one with the quick "no" is probably more likely to make better life choices, and the one with the smart aleck remark is probably more likely to follow the crowd. In either case, the person answering is learning a little more about who they are, and what kind of person they want to be. Peer pressure is usually a problem that is said to be dealt with when you're in school. But I believe that it's something we battle with our entire lives. Whether it's making the choice to say no to drugs, or buying the latest sports car, all of us are influenced by our peers. And some of us are more influenced by those around us than we might like to admit. Well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely influenced by the people closest to me on a daily basis.

Personally, I struggle with people pleasing. It's always been a problem of mine, but I just feel the need to be accepted. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but sometimes that need is taken too far. For a long time, the majority of the drug use in my past was based on the acceptance of other people. I wanted to fit in and feel loved by others. The people that meant the most to me were using drugs, so I figured the only way to get close to them was to be like them and join them...even when I was ready to quit. The need to be accepted lead to a massive delay in quitting the drug use. Even today, drug free, I struggle with being accepted and with people pleasing. I struggle the most when it comes to pleasing my father, as well as father figures in my life. I just don't ever feel like I meet their expectations of me.

When it comes to pleasing my father and father figures, I'm just at a loss. I have the knowledge that acceptance isn't necessary with humans because my father in heaven accepts me no matter what. But in the moment, I don't always think about that and I become frustrated that I can never feel "good enough". I try so hard to measure up to the standards of the men in my life and I always seem to come short. I know a lot of it has to do with he fact that I am hard on myself and place standards in front of me that were never even established. But there are those moments when they expect something out of me and I fail. It's in these moments when I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm human and not perfect. Instead, I beat myself up and get angry at the other person. My pride gets in the way and I start to argue with them about something that's really not that big of a deal in the first place. Once I start to argue they get mad at me. But because I'm not thinking straight, I read into this wrong. Instead of realizing that they aren't mad at me for failing, but frustrated that I'm arguing with them, I take it as they are mad at me for not doing a good enough job. Once that happens I find myself making excuses as to why I didn't do what I was supposed to and end up getting myself in a mess.

The other problem that comes with me wanting to please people all the time, is that I don't stand up for myself. I find myself compromising on my values and beliefs. When people question what I'm doing or question my motives, I don't always know how to respond. Sometimes I just do what I know I shouldn't do just so they won't think I'm lame. Other times I get in on the conversation and act like I'm down with what they're into so they don't think I'm lame. Later I walk away regretting that I said I was into something I'm not, but then find myself in a hole that just keeps getting deeper because my pride won't allow me to admit to them that I lied about being down with what they were down with. When someone questions my motives, I get angry and think that they aren't accepting what I'm doing instead of taking into account that they may have just been asking a question. I become critical of not only myself, but of others around me. I make it hard for people to get to know the real me because I'm so concerned with making sure they see the "me" I think they should see.

Lately, I've found that not a lot of people know who I really am, and what I'm really about. I got into a conversation today with a co-worker about what I wanted to do with my future, and when I told her I'm really interested in ministry, she looked crazy shocked. She couldn't even believe that I was a Christian. It made me take a  really hard look at myself. What have I been saying that made her think I wasn't? What actions were being displayed to where she had to question my beliefs? This really bothered me. I go to church every Sunday and love Jesus with everything I am, but I've apparently turned into the "Sunday Christian" instead of the "everyday Christian". Some people know without a doubt my love for Jesus, but I've realized that the people who I am meeting on the job and running into on a daily basis may not be seeing that person. So I have to question myself. I have to ask myself who I really am, and what I really believe. If I really am who Christ says I am, then why aren't others seeing that? I've realized that I need to work on people pleasing and the need to be accepted by others. All of this has created a facade that I didn't even realize I was creating. That conversation with my co-worker was a reality check for sure. It was also an opportunity to learn something about myself and begin to explore what I need to change. I am God's child and shouldn't be concerned with fitting in. I should be concerned with living my life in a way that glorifies Him. So from this point forward, I want to be the person that answers "no" when someone asks me, "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?"