Fighting for Love

In the begining, God created man...and then he created woman. If your not familiar with the story, go read Gensis. God created us to be with people. Yes, God also wants us to have a relationship with him, but I also think it's very important to have good strong relationships with other people. Life was simply not meant to be lived alone. I'm aware that I have talked about this subject before in the blog, but I'm not going down the same road I did before. Instead, I'm gonna get more personal.

It's been about a month now since I quit smoking pot. As I've mentioned before, it is NOT easy and most days I really struggle to say no. But along with the struggle of not smoking, a new struggle has come about. I'm finding it very hard to relate to people, and in turn have become rather lonely. People have been surrounding me and supporting me, and don't get me wrong...it's really awesome! I apprciate those who have been supporting me so much and am thankful for God putting those people in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the pastors and friends I have are amazing. The problem I'm having though, is that even with all the support I have, there is a void in my heart. I think a lot of that has to do with my past, but a lot of it also has to do with some of the relationships I did have when I was smoking. I'm learning very quickly that the relationships I had with some of those people that I thought were close to me were for the most part, pretty surface level. Since I've stopped smoking, there is absolutely no substance to the relationships. The real problem with this, is that it is effecting the relationships I do have with the people who actually care about me. Because of those surface level relationships I have been in for so long, I am come to the realization that I am lacking intimacy in the relationships that matter to me. As a result, I am having a very hard time revieving love from people that are trying to send it my way. I hear people saying that they love me and all that...and I believe what they are saying is genuine, but I can't actully come to believe what they are telling me. I simply feel alone. Now, I'm not saying at all that I don't love my friends and pastors and other people in my life...I do SO much, more than you all know. The problem isn't with them loving me, it's with me loving me. Beacuse I have put so much of my identity into a drug for the last 8 years, I have kept myself from really "feeling" what love should feel like. Again, a lot of this also goes back to my childhood, but not all of it. I want SO bad to feel like I'm worth being loved by people....especially the people that should love me. But because of those surface level relationships, I need to re-learn how to recieve genuine love from people who love people, and not drugs. I also need to learn and discover more of my identity in Christ.

With certain people in my life, pot was a bonding tool. The problem is, those are the same people that I should automatically have a bond with. (if your confused about that statement, please message me and I'll explain, but because this is a public blog, I'm not going to here.) I just long so much to have that relationship with them like I have a relationship with pastors or other friends. Actually, even before the pot there was a lack of intimacy in those realtionships, but now even moreso after I've quit. When I was smoking I at least had something to say to those people, but without being high, having any interaction with them is just pointless sometimes. I'm NOT a fan of surface level relationships. I don't feel like they do anything for either party, but sometimes you can't control the people that are put into your life. You simply have to deal with it, and learn to love them anyways. I genuinely love these people with all my heart, but just because I love them does not mean I have the connection with them that I so strongly desire. And honestly, that hurts...a lot. I want the support from them, and I want to feel like they actually care about me. I love that there are people in my life that do actually care about my well-being, but again...I want that from these people as well. And like I said above, because I'm not recieving that, I'm struggling to recieve love from anyone. God did not intend life to be that way at all!

As I've been struggling to learn how to handle this, I have been digging into the Bible for some advice. I love what God has to say about all of this. I'm learning how to rely on Him as well as learning how to find my self worth in Christ, not in people. Honestly, even if you aren't struggling with the same things I am, I still feel like it's VERY important to make sure you find your worth in Christ, not people. People will always let you down at one point or another, but as I have been immercing myself into the word, I keep reading about God's faithfulness. God will never leave and will always love me. No matter what. It doesn't matter what I've done in my life, God will ALWAYS love me for me. Heck, He created me out of love. Why would He not love something He created?! The difference between humans and God is that humans have to learn how to love....God simply put is love. Huge difference in the two. How interesting is it though, that God already knows this? I got to thinking about that for a little while today. Why would God create us out of love, but make us so we have to learn how to love? Why? Because we have to chose to love Him back. He cannot force us to love Him, because foreced love is not real love, learned love is. But what's cool about that is, only we have to do the learning! God already knows how to love us unconditionally. You may say that's not fair, why would He force us to learn how to love Him? Honestly, I think that if we didn't have to learn how to love, then our existence would be pointless. There would be a permant void in our hearts. But Christians all over time have learned to love, and from learning that have discovred life. So the point of learning how to love IS our life purpose. So as we learn how to love God and come to understand He will always love us, we can also learn how to love people the way God loves us. Another cool thing about us having to learn how to love, yet knowing that God is love, is that if we mess up God is there to pick us right back up again. Humans can't say that for themselves. So often, if we wrong someone or someone has wronged us, we love that person a little less. God will never be that way. And I think He knew that when he created us. He knew we were all going to screw up love, but again, because He created us out of love, we will never lose that connection with Him. So as I struggle to "feel" love, I am learning that I first need to open up my heart fully to God and know that nothing I do will ever seperate me from Him, or make Him love me less. Growing up in a home where that message wasn't as clear as other homes has caused me to struggle with knowing for sure that God can love me no matter what.

I know I will continute to struggle letting people love me for the rest of my life, but I am learning pretty quickly that God will never lose that love He has for me. I think when I can fully understand that, letting other people love me will become more natural. But as I continue to learn this, I need to get off my butt and get more intentional with the people that already do love me...and actually let them love me instead of fighting it because of my own personal issue with love. By not getting intential with people and staying at home, I'm not allowing people to love me, and in turn not able to learn how to recieve their love so I can love them back. I will always love people like Christ...no matter what, but I need to start learning how to love people like humans love. Otherwise that intimacy I long for with humans will never fully develop. Having an intimate relationship with God is one thing, but having an intimate relationship with God's children is another thing. As as I said at the begining of this post, God intented us to love people, just like he intented us to love Him! Fighting love in those relationships is getting me nowhere, just like it's getting me nowhere to fight letting God love me.  I pray that God will soften my heart and help me grow in this area...for my sake, for His sake, and for the sake of the people who really do care about me.