A page from the A.D.D. diaries

Something that has always irritated me is when people say their ADD is getting to them. That stupid overused stigma of starting a sentence and being stopped midway through because you see a squirrel. That's not ADD. As this frustrates me to much because the people that actually do suffer with ADD are overlooked. Yeah, there are those "squirrel" moments, but ADD is so much more than that. I'm constantly dealing with a personal war when it comes to my ADD. There are times when days or weeks go by that I'm not able to kick a certain thought or feeling. I process it over and over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm in a conversation with someone, in the back of my head that thought is creeping. I try to distract myself with music or conversation, but sure enough I find myself mesmerized by this thing. Nothing is more agonizing than trying to sleep with my head racing. This inability to shut my brain off has me feeling like I'm going insane some days. There are times when I'm too overwhelmed to leave the house because I've conjured up some scenario in my head that I'm just assuming is going to happen because that's where my head takes me. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I also deal with anxiety. But the ADD is what prevents me from moving on. And talking to people? HA. I'm so deep in my head that it's almost impossible to reach me. It's like talking to a zombie sometimes. I'm not intentionally trying to avoid or ignore people...it just...happens. There's no explaining it. It's almost like in the movies when you see the screen freeze and the persons' ghost leaves the body but the body stays behind and keeps doing things. My thoughts are up with that ghost until I snap out of it and the screen unfreezes and that body "rejoins" the conversation. Some days it's like I spend the entire 24 hours in "ghost mode". Days blend together, and it feels like weeks go by before I even realize it. That's where I'm at now. It's been weeks and my friend just made it out of the ICU. You'd think I'd be really excited about that, (and don't get me wrong I'm stoked), but most of me is still terrified for her. She's in no way out of danger and there's still not a thing I can do about it. Mentally I still feel like I did since the minute I found out she entered the hospital. I've not been able to process any of my emotions. I've only been able to go over and over and over in my head all the things that can go wrong.

Work has been my saving grace in all of this. It's a forced distraction. I'm not able to just skip out on going to work because it turns out you can't do that when you're an adult. ...High school did have it's perks. So I'm forced to engage in conversation. It's turned out to be incredibly helpful to be in those conversations. I still have plenty of moments where I feel like I'm wondering around like a zombie, but those conversations have brought me to the now. I'm in the moment. And I find myself genuinely laughing and forgetting about things. I cherish these moments. They are the ones that force me out of bed in the morning when my body feels like it weighs 200 pounds. Even if I'm not completely interested in what the topic is about, it feels good to be a part of something that doesn't need to be fixed or solved. It's just a conversation. There's zero pressure to do anything. I can either laugh or participate or listen, but either way I'm just simply there...living in the moment. 

I've always had this feeling that everyone else deals with stress better than me. Bad things happen all the time, and it never seems like other people around me struggle with those times like I do. It's like they've all gotten the concept that conflict makes you stronger so they embrace it while I sit back and freak out. I don't get it. I know that comparing myself to others is going to leave me worse off, but I can't help but wonder why it feels like everyone else just "gets it". Some people are just wired differently. I'm sure I'm one of those people. I just wonder if anyone else if constantly feeling like I do when things that are out of my control come crashing down around me. Maybe it's because not everyone is as anxious as I am all the time, Maybe it's something else, but I'd like to get to a place where I feel like these things don't dominate my day. I'd like to get to a place where I set aside a few moments to deal with these things instead of allowing it to be on my head all day. 

Who has the mask?

People always say that in order to give the person next to you an oxygen mask, you've got to put one on first. What do you do when the mask is out of reach for both of you? No one ever talks about that. As my best friend sits in a hospital bed on life support, it feels like I too can't breathe. There's this feeling of helplessness that overwhelms me. Every emotion that I'm thinking is impossible to actually feel. I'm numb. I haven't even begun to process whats happening. The minute I do that it all becomes real. I sit here and try to think about the past. Memories of us sitting by the pool having drinks or staying up all night talking about life and boys. I've never met anyone like Tanis. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she takes control and makes the most of it. Tanis has always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone. Actually, she insisted on it. And as I sit here tonight, that's exactly where I'm at. Nothing about this is comfortable. It's ironic as she fights for her life she's still forcing me to step out and take life by the horns.

Tanis wouldn't want me to sit around and worry about her. She'd be telling me to calm my ass down and go do something. Stop complaining and get over it. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to do just that, I've been running since I got the news. I took off work the day after because I thought I wouldn't be much use there. Well, it turns out that the reason she's always telling me to do something when I feel like this is because sitting with my thoughts is detrimental. It did me no good to sit at home and worry. I couldn't change anything from my couch and I lost money in the process. Being around people at least helps distract me from my thoughts. I always think it does the opposite so I end up trying to remove myself from everyone, including the people that are trying to be there for me. The most ridiculous part about all of that is the minute I walk away, I realize that I should stay but I'm just too stubborn to admit it and keep on walking. I think it's the thought of getting emotional that drives me to leave. Because others around me aren't in it, I just don't feel like they understand. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand and I'm terrified they might which also means I might be forced to deal with my emotions sooner than I'd like. Whatever it is, I run. Somehow it always seems easier than it really is.
 
I have always feared the unknown. My head immediately creates scenarios and rolls with them...all of them. Eventually after I've thought of every possible thing that could go wrong I panic. It's great. I've naturally been doing the same thing over the last 48 hours since I've received this news. No one knows what the next few days will bring. All I'm left with is hope. I know that situations like this will make me stronger, but right now I feel weak. There isn't a thing I can do to change whats going on. But I can't let this control me. How can something that I have no control over control me? Life is always gonna try and find a way to bring me down. This is no different. I'm smart enough to know that things like this happen. I can't change what already is. As I try and work through this, I'm remembering that God is the only one in control. The one thing that I know is that in the midst of my fear of the unknown, God is always constant. He is in the middle of this. To answer my original question about who supplies the mask when it feels like it's out of reach? God does. I don't have to have it together. I don't think anyone expects it. I'm just gonna do my best and try to remember that as the next few days unravel.

numb

I've never had a history of sleep walking, but over the last 24 hours or so it feels like that's what I've been doing. Bad news never has good timing. This time is no different. One of my best friends is fighting for her life right now, and I can't do a thing about it. I've been here before. I have zero effect on the outcome of this situation. Yet I can't stop my brain from going into overdrive. My first initial reaction is to numb the pain any way I know how. I know it's the unhealthy choice to try and suppress my emotions, but I'm choosing to ignore that reality because being numb is so much easier. It's hard to think about the "what ifs" and the "maybes" when there is potential for someone to ask the dreaded "how are you" question right around every corner. How do I even answer that? No one is ever really looking for a full answer, it just happens to be the standard go to question because when it comes down to it, none of us know what else to say to someone dealing with this kind of heartache. I deal with it by not dealing with it until I'm forced to deal with it. I hate showing my emotions. Crying in front of people is just embarrassing. And then there's the talking. Like real talking. At some point it's necessary to work through emotions. I just find this so hard because telling someone how I feel doesn't change the reality of whats going on. It's just redundant. I feel like I end up pissing people off when they ask how I'm doing. I tell them, they listen and sometimes offer advice, and then look at me like I should be fixed for the time being because I let some shit off my chest. They have this face that says "why do you still look so sad?". Talking can be cool, but I don't feel like it gets me anywhere. To top it all off, there's anger...and a lot of it. I don't have an explanation as to why these kind of situations make me so angry, but in times like this I feel like snapping on anybody that gets in my path. None of this changes what's going on. It just makes the situation that much worse.

Every one of us deals with bad news differently. Some people throw themselves into work, and others find their closest friends to cling onto. I don't know the best way to deal with anything. This post isn't very encouraging or uplifting...but it's what I've got to offer.

Learning to shut my mouth

The other week I hit my head really hard on a towel rack in the bathroom. I was leaning too far forward and as I stood up, BANG! I learned something that day. I have successfully avoided another incident like that, as I'm sure I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Pain has a way of teaching you a lesson. The initial sting goes away, but there's a lasting mark that stays with you for much longer. People have been learning lessons like that for centuries. A child gets spanked when he does something stupid, and as a result learns to discontinue whatever it was he was doing. I was never really disciplined as a kid, so the only time I ever really learned from a mistake was when I got myself  hurt. Some kids were jealous of me growing up because my parents were more lenient. As a kid I absolutely loved the freedom I had. I've always been kind of reserved anyway, so I never did anything in public that could get around to my parents hearing about it. Over time I learned to be sneaky about the stupid shit I was doing. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was just a "good kid" and stayed out of trouble. They had no clue. While other kids were abiding by curfew and other rules I was off doing my own thing with my friends. I've actually always welcomed discipline in my life, because to me it showed someone cared enough to correct me. But not receiving any resulted in me kind of just doing my own thing. I had to figure out for myself what worked for me. Unfortunately, what works for me isn't what works for everyone else. And when that gets questioned I become defensive.  And mouthy. I'm starting to learn my mouth is going to get me in some serious trouble one day if I can't get it under control.

 I've always spoken my mind about things and have never really cared about what others thought about my opinions. I just kind of lack a filer. Lately, this has gotten me into some trouble. I'm slowly learning that as an adult, it's not so appreciated that I have an opinion about everything. Growing up, having an opinion was encouraged because it showed that I actually cared about something and that I was learning new things. Now it seems like having an opinion means that I'm questioning everyone I come into contact with. It also makes me seem self centered and arrogant. Sure, it's good to voice an opinion when someone is looking for it....but I kind of forget that daily. And most of my opinions contain language that it shouldn't. It turns out other people respect what I have to say much more when I'm not being a sailor. I've usually had enough sense to watch what I say in front of my superiors, but there have been a few close calls. I'm learning that not everyone agrees with my opinions, and not everyone wants me to share them.

Life is much more difficult without discipline. Rules are there for a reason. I'm beginning to understand why children shouldn't make rules. The world already has a way of doing things. Every child has a different opinion about how the world should work. And when a child is given the opportunity to go through life being allowed to express those opinions without correction, those opinions turn into reality for that child. She no longer questions how the world works, she just assumes what she thought about it initially was right. And because nobody corrected that, any time someone questions what she believes, it's considered an attack. Everyone SHOULD have opinions about things. That's normal. But it's also just as normal to accept that every other person also has an opinion and that we all have to meet in the middle somewhere. To a child that has been allowed to make their own rules, meeting in the middle isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of effort. There is so much violence and corruption in the world because there are individuals like myself who believe their opinions are more important than someone else's. Now, I'm not saying I'm a violent person, but I definitely feel frustration when something goes different than I think it should.

Hitting my head on a towel rack was a nice a quick lesson. Learning that I'm not always right isn't so instantaneous. I have to check myself daily. I'm slowly learning to appreciate the people that call me out. I've become a very defensive person in order to secure my opinions. My goal is to begin accept things aren't always going to turn out how I want. I've controlled so much of my life that it's really hard to let someone else be on control. It's hard to allow someone else to take the lead and show me how to do something differently. And it's really hard to take a step back and just let things happen. There have been recent situations in my life that I have zero control over, except how I react. Because I'm so opinionated I become extremely frustrated that I can't figure out how to fix it. In my head I know what should happen, but other people don't think like I do, so other people end up handling the situation differently than I would. I can't do a thing about it. One day at a time I'm learning to let God take control so I don't have to. I don't expect this to be a quick process, but I'm excited to see the potential I'll have as I continue to learn how to let go of myself.

"you can lead a horse to water..."

I was in a conversation today and an analogy I've never heard was thrown my way. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." As I heard it, I immediately wondered why I had never heard that before because I've lived out that analogy. A few of my close friends pushed me to better myself a few years ago. They fought as hard as they could for me, and I resisted them the entire time. Eventually it came down to me realizing the only way I could receive help is if I helped myself. Nobody can force someone to change. It all comes down to free will.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and I'm sure I'll probably find myself back in it again at some point down the road. But this is weighing heavy on my heart tonight because I get it. I get why people stay in the state of mind where they believe nothing anyone does is going to work anyways, so what's the point in trying? I've been there. It's easy to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation because it's unique to me. I know about the pride I have and how it's hard to admit that I need help. I remember thinking it's so much easier to stay in the hell I created for myself, because at least I'm familiar with it. Change isn't ever easy to embrace. It's hard to tackle the unknown with certainty. It's especially hard to embrace it when you're in a constant state of doubt. And nothing is more frustrating than EVERYONE around you being so certain of a "brighter future" when you're not. So I get not wanting to drink the water. Faith is something that takes effort to have.

Life is full of uncertainty and it's up to each one of us how we handle it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and in my experience it's always easier in the long run to take the leap of faith. Living in fear of the unknown doesn't allow for opportunity to grow. If I would have stayed where I was at years ago, I never would have formed the friendships I have, I wouldn't have a job that allows me to support myself, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as far as I am now. I was terrified of the change, but I was more scared of waking up and being 40 only to find out I missed out on living.

 Not being able to control an outcome is hard. It freezes me.. Most of the things I'm trying to change about myself are things I've been dealing with since I started developing into my own person. I think that's the case for most people. Back in high school, I was running to the things I'm now trying to escape. But when I was 14 I had a different mind-set. I was curious about the unknown. I wasn't worried about change because the ONLY thing that was constant in high school was change. After I graduated though and started to discover who I was, I found that I wasn't so open to change. Change to me after high school meant that I had to question who I was. And it was so difficult to except change because it literally meant revisiting what I had worked so hard to create...my walls. I built walls around myself for protection and allowing someone else to help me forced me to break down the walls I carefully structured.

Allowing people to help me was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was hard to knock down the barriers I knew and it was scary to walk blindly into my future. But I don't regret it, Looking back I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time excepting the help. I exhausted myself trying to hold onto my pride. Admitting someone else is right, doesn't mean that I'm wrong...it just means that I acknowledge there are other ways of doing things. But that also means I can't force anyone "drink the water" because I also acknowledge they have their own way too. It's all relative, but I've come to realize that only I can change myself. People can be there to guide me along the way, but ultimately it's up to me if I want to grow, Having that little bit of faith saved my life.

Anger: The beast that creeps

I've witnessed first hand what holding onto anger does to a person. It makes them bitter. You can have conversations with that person, but you never get to experience real joy with them. It's only joy to a potential that's limited by a wall of anger. It's like watching someone that's living a glass half empty kind of life. The mundane things in life are just that...mundane. It's depressing to watch that. Those small moments in life should be experienced! A person that holds onto anger has a very hard time appreciating those mundane things like a hug or a simple "I love you.". And it's noticeable. It hurts because you never think you can reach that person. It's hard to tell if the smile on their face is genuine. Joy never lasts for the person who holds onto anger. I've seen how a child's heart breaks because her parent wasn't able to show her that he cared. She knew that her father cared, but she cried most nights because the anger prevented him from smiling at her as she walked by. Her father never acknowledged her successes because he was too busy being angry at the mundane things in life to notice. Eventually I watched that girl grow up to think most people are just as angry as the ones she grew up with. Anger rubs off on people. That little girl became angry because nothing she ever did was good enough. Anger causes you to stay inside your head and prevents you from communicating when it matters. Nothing should be so frustrating that it takes up your whole life.

Personally, anger is a beast I've struggled with for most of my life. I've never really figured out how to let go of it completely, although there have been times I thought I was close. You would never know that looking at me because I'm a very easy going person. I genuinely love to be happy and cheerful. The people who know me have seen the other side of that playfulness I love so much. I tend to bottle up my emotions and not let people see the real me. So only the ones who know me have seen how this struggle with anger has controlled me at times.

Lately I've been having a hard time working through my anger, Because I don't like to let people see me angry, I keep pushing it to the back of my head to come back to for later. But every time I do this I keep adding to the crap that's already there and make everything worse. I'm struggling to break that habit. I'm a very transparent person, but opening up about myself on a real level is hard for me. I'm trying to break the habit I have of not talking to people when I need to. I believe this will help me to let go of some of the anger I haven't worked through. I stay awake at night because those thoughts that I so easily pushed back make their way to the front of my brain. And then my anxiety takes off with it. Letting go of some of that anger in a healthy way like talking to someone is going to help me in the long run. I'm legitimately scared I'm going to say something to someone one day because I'm so frustrated and I won't be able to take it back. I feel like I've gotten close to accomplishing that a few times actually. Words have such an incredible impact on people, and I don't want to be that person to use them in a way that damages someone for life.

Anger has done nothing but destroy me. Sure it has motivated me to be a better person at times, but it has killed my family, my personal relationships, and prevented me from forming new relationships. There are multiple days throughout my week that someone asks me "are you alright?" and say things like "boy you look pissed!"...but I'm not even angry. Apparently though, my heart has become so hardened from the anger, that I wear it without even knowing it. And my assumption is that if I wear it like a pair of jeans, then my attitude is also suffering. I've always had a dry sense of sarcasm and humor, but someone with an angry heart probably shouldn't be sarcastic. It usually just makes me sound like an asshole. In my case, I definitely come across as a jerk. My goal is to open up to people again and work through my anger in a healthy way so I don't become that bitter person I talked about above,

It's about to get real

Lately I have been struggling in a lot of areas that used to drag me down. No one is to blame but myself for that, BUT all of it could have been prevented. I don't have any intention of dragging myself through the years of torment again, but I know this isn't a battle that's won in a day. My whole life has been a battle. I figured since I "won" that battle, I knew how to live. Yeeeah....now I have to turn myself around. I don't know everything. I'm not even close to knowing anything if we're being honest. I'm forcing myself to stop over thinking every decision I make and think back to the more simple solutions my mentors have provided. They gave me the things I needed to survive, I just forgot. I won't lie, I'm sure I'll need someone to yell at me a few times and I could probably use a good ass kicking, but in time I fully intend to become that person I know I can be. Life is too short to dwell in my past mistakes.

These last few years have had their ups and downs. I've been ashamed to write new blogs posts that are "real" for quite some time now. I've been ashamed to admit that I'm not "healed" or fixed. Mostly I'm ashamed because there are a few people that read this blog that have been with me from the beginning of my journey that are going to be disappointed to read this post. I don't believe they will be disappointed because I failed, but because I chose to fail alone. I've always had the opportunity to pick up the phone or get in my car, but instead I've tried to do it my own way.

A few years ago I moved out on my own. I left the comfortable nest of my sister and brother in law. I left the security net I always had when I messed up. I walked into the front door of my first apartment a "new woman". Before I moved on my own, I had spent the last year learning how to "adult" and the year before that in St. Louis learning how to take control of my past. But something about being on your own is gratifying, It made me think that I it figured out. I no longer needed help from anyone. And for awhile that was true. Even now, as I sit here in my own place and I feel proud of myself. I've overcome a whole lot and should be proud. But I'm not proud of decision I made to try and do it alone. Living alone doesn't mean I'm just good to go and don't need help anymore. I've learned that I'm a very impulsive person and that I lack direction and discipline. I mean, I guess I've always known that...but I'm learning just how detrimental that is for my survival.plan as an adult. I've missed out on promotions, relationships, and many other things because of my lack of discipline. So I guess here's my "coming out" blog. This is the blog that going to start my new journey. This is the blog that's here to inform you I need accountability in my life and someone to kick my ass. (probably literally.) I've strayed away from the people in my life that were leading me. I've pushed away the friends that wanted to help me succeed.

It's not in my blood to give up. I know what I've overcome and I know what I'm capable of. I also know I sometimes need that push or kick to get me there. My goal is to try and realign myself with the God's heart. My prayer is that God won't leave me alone in my trying. I'm not ready to give up. Life may be rough right now, but when is it now? I've got to get out of the habit of thinking one rough patch is going to determine the next 5 years of my future. My future is what I make of it.