"you can lead a horse to water..."

I was in a conversation today and an analogy I've never heard was thrown my way. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." As I heard it, I immediately wondered why I had never heard that before because I've lived out that analogy. A few of my close friends pushed me to better myself a few years ago. They fought as hard as they could for me, and I resisted them the entire time. Eventually it came down to me realizing the only way I could receive help is if I helped myself. Nobody can force someone to change. It all comes down to free will.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and I'm sure I'll probably find myself back in it again at some point down the road. But this is weighing heavy on my heart tonight because I get it. I get why people stay in the state of mind where they believe nothing anyone does is going to work anyways, so what's the point in trying? I've been there. It's easy to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation because it's unique to me. I know about the pride I have and how it's hard to admit that I need help. I remember thinking it's so much easier to stay in the hell I created for myself, because at least I'm familiar with it. Change isn't ever easy to embrace. It's hard to tackle the unknown with certainty. It's especially hard to embrace it when you're in a constant state of doubt. And nothing is more frustrating than EVERYONE around you being so certain of a "brighter future" when you're not. So I get not wanting to drink the water. Faith is something that takes effort to have.

Life is full of uncertainty and it's up to each one of us how we handle it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and in my experience it's always easier in the long run to take the leap of faith. Living in fear of the unknown doesn't allow for opportunity to grow. If I would have stayed where I was at years ago, I never would have formed the friendships I have, I wouldn't have a job that allows me to support myself, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as far as I am now. I was terrified of the change, but I was more scared of waking up and being 40 only to find out I missed out on living.

 Not being able to control an outcome is hard. It freezes me.. Most of the things I'm trying to change about myself are things I've been dealing with since I started developing into my own person. I think that's the case for most people. Back in high school, I was running to the things I'm now trying to escape. But when I was 14 I had a different mind-set. I was curious about the unknown. I wasn't worried about change because the ONLY thing that was constant in high school was change. After I graduated though and started to discover who I was, I found that I wasn't so open to change. Change to me after high school meant that I had to question who I was. And it was so difficult to except change because it literally meant revisiting what I had worked so hard to create...my walls. I built walls around myself for protection and allowing someone else to help me forced me to break down the walls I carefully structured.

Allowing people to help me was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was hard to knock down the barriers I knew and it was scary to walk blindly into my future. But I don't regret it, Looking back I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time excepting the help. I exhausted myself trying to hold onto my pride. Admitting someone else is right, doesn't mean that I'm wrong...it just means that I acknowledge there are other ways of doing things. But that also means I can't force anyone "drink the water" because I also acknowledge they have their own way too. It's all relative, but I've come to realize that only I can change myself. People can be there to guide me along the way, but ultimately it's up to me if I want to grow, Having that little bit of faith saved my life.

Anger: The beast that creeps

I've witnessed first hand what holding onto anger does to a person. It makes them bitter. You can have conversations with that person, but you never get to experience real joy with them. It's only joy to a potential that's limited by a wall of anger. It's like watching someone that's living a glass half empty kind of life. The mundane things in life are just that...mundane. It's depressing to watch that. Those small moments in life should be experienced! A person that holds onto anger has a very hard time appreciating those mundane things like a hug or a simple "I love you.". And it's noticeable. It hurts because you never think you can reach that person. It's hard to tell if the smile on their face is genuine. Joy never lasts for the person who holds onto anger. I've seen how a child's heart breaks because her parent wasn't able to show her that he cared. She knew that her father cared, but she cried most nights because the anger prevented him from smiling at her as she walked by. Her father never acknowledged her successes because he was too busy being angry at the mundane things in life to notice. Eventually I watched that girl grow up to think most people are just as angry as the ones she grew up with. Anger rubs off on people. That little girl became angry because nothing she ever did was good enough. Anger causes you to stay inside your head and prevents you from communicating when it matters. Nothing should be so frustrating that it takes up your whole life.

Personally, anger is a beast I've struggled with for most of my life. I've never really figured out how to let go of it completely, although there have been times I thought I was close. You would never know that looking at me because I'm a very easy going person. I genuinely love to be happy and cheerful. The people who know me have seen the other side of that playfulness I love so much. I tend to bottle up my emotions and not let people see the real me. So only the ones who know me have seen how this struggle with anger has controlled me at times.

Lately I've been having a hard time working through my anger, Because I don't like to let people see me angry, I keep pushing it to the back of my head to come back to for later. But every time I do this I keep adding to the crap that's already there and make everything worse. I'm struggling to break that habit. I'm a very transparent person, but opening up about myself on a real level is hard for me. I'm trying to break the habit I have of not talking to people when I need to. I believe this will help me to let go of some of the anger I haven't worked through. I stay awake at night because those thoughts that I so easily pushed back make their way to the front of my brain. And then my anxiety takes off with it. Letting go of some of that anger in a healthy way like talking to someone is going to help me in the long run. I'm legitimately scared I'm going to say something to someone one day because I'm so frustrated and I won't be able to take it back. I feel like I've gotten close to accomplishing that a few times actually. Words have such an incredible impact on people, and I don't want to be that person to use them in a way that damages someone for life.

Anger has done nothing but destroy me. Sure it has motivated me to be a better person at times, but it has killed my family, my personal relationships, and prevented me from forming new relationships. There are multiple days throughout my week that someone asks me "are you alright?" and say things like "boy you look pissed!"...but I'm not even angry. Apparently though, my heart has become so hardened from the anger, that I wear it without even knowing it. And my assumption is that if I wear it like a pair of jeans, then my attitude is also suffering. I've always had a dry sense of sarcasm and humor, but someone with an angry heart probably shouldn't be sarcastic. It usually just makes me sound like an asshole. In my case, I definitely come across as a jerk. My goal is to open up to people again and work through my anger in a healthy way so I don't become that bitter person I talked about above,

It's about to get real

Lately I have been struggling in a lot of areas that used to drag me down. No one is to blame but myself for that, BUT all of it could have been prevented. I don't have any intention of dragging myself through the years of torment again, but I know this isn't a battle that's won in a day. My whole life has been a battle. I figured since I "won" that battle, I knew how to live. Yeeeah....now I have to turn myself around. I don't know everything. I'm not even close to knowing anything if we're being honest. I'm forcing myself to stop over thinking every decision I make and think back to the more simple solutions my mentors have provided. They gave me the things I needed to survive, I just forgot. I won't lie, I'm sure I'll need someone to yell at me a few times and I could probably use a good ass kicking, but in time I fully intend to become that person I know I can be. Life is too short to dwell in my past mistakes.

These last few years have had their ups and downs. I've been ashamed to write new blogs posts that are "real" for quite some time now. I've been ashamed to admit that I'm not "healed" or fixed. Mostly I'm ashamed because there are a few people that read this blog that have been with me from the beginning of my journey that are going to be disappointed to read this post. I don't believe they will be disappointed because I failed, but because I chose to fail alone. I've always had the opportunity to pick up the phone or get in my car, but instead I've tried to do it my own way.

A few years ago I moved out on my own. I left the comfortable nest of my sister and brother in law. I left the security net I always had when I messed up. I walked into the front door of my first apartment a "new woman". Before I moved on my own, I had spent the last year learning how to "adult" and the year before that in St. Louis learning how to take control of my past. But something about being on your own is gratifying, It made me think that I it figured out. I no longer needed help from anyone. And for awhile that was true. Even now, as I sit here in my own place and I feel proud of myself. I've overcome a whole lot and should be proud. But I'm not proud of decision I made to try and do it alone. Living alone doesn't mean I'm just good to go and don't need help anymore. I've learned that I'm a very impulsive person and that I lack direction and discipline. I mean, I guess I've always known that...but I'm learning just how detrimental that is for my survival.plan as an adult. I've missed out on promotions, relationships, and many other things because of my lack of discipline. So I guess here's my "coming out" blog. This is the blog that going to start my new journey. This is the blog that's here to inform you I need accountability in my life and someone to kick my ass. (probably literally.) I've strayed away from the people in my life that were leading me. I've pushed away the friends that wanted to help me succeed.

It's not in my blood to give up. I know what I've overcome and I know what I'm capable of. I also know I sometimes need that push or kick to get me there. My goal is to try and realign myself with the God's heart. My prayer is that God won't leave me alone in my trying. I'm not ready to give up. Life may be rough right now, but when is it now? I've got to get out of the habit of thinking one rough patch is going to determine the next 5 years of my future. My future is what I make of it.

Testing the Waters

"Aren't you gonna test the waters?" I remember one of my co-workers saying that to me awhile back. The situation he was talking about doesn't matter now, but the statement has stuck with me. It's a question that I often ask myself. But I wonder if I've been too cautious my entire life? For as long as I can remember I've never really been the "go getter" type. I usually need a push to get going. I'm not really one to just "test waters". I know what's comfortable for me, and the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me anxious. But recently I've learned how staying in my comfort zone for too long isn't always comfortable. I used to say that once things get comfortable, it's time for a change. Well, I had to take my own advice.

Staying in my comfort zone prevented me from growing. When I was in high school I used to love learning new things. Philosophy and debating were the two things I needed zero motivation with. I loved the drive and I loved what it did to my mind. The hunt for answers drove me to discover new things about the world and myself that I never would have otherwise. ...and then things became comfortable. I eventually stopped studying and blogging a few years after high school and fell into the mundane routines of life. I no longer felt like I was growing, I had become stagnant and I hated myself for that, I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. The joy I used to feel was slowly being sucked away from me because I stopped testing the waters. I stopped trying new things and discovering more about myself. I just assumed I knew who I was after all the studying and didn't realize that I'm never going to stop growing, I can't force myself to stay where I'm at because I'm scared of what's to come. Somewhere along the way I lost that part of me.

I want that part of me back again. I want to find out who I am again and rediscover my passion for knowledge. I want to take chances in life instead of staying comfortable. Comfortable is great for the anxious person...but ironically it also leaves the anxious more anxious. Nothing is worse than the unknown for someone who is anxious, and if I'm stuck in my comfort zone there's a good change the unknown is slipping further and further away from me. Part of me doesn't want to take chances and test waters because of that fear of the unknown. But the fear of never knowing what I never tired is bigger than the one that's keeping me in chains. So I'm breaking free from those chains and officially testing some new waters in life.

31,536 000 and counting!!

There are 31,536 000 in a year. As many of you may remember, I had a post awhile back stating how many seconds were in a month. Those seconds represented how long I had been sober from smoking pot a that time. I'm extremely proud to say that it has now been over a year and a half since I have last touched that drug, or any other drug!! I wasn't able to stay sober after the first post, but this time I have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The methods I took to stay sober were drastically different than the ones I tried before. God was still the biggest part of it all, but this time I completely removed myself from my environment. Definitely not an easy task. It upset a lot of people that I left home and went to St. Louis for 6 months. I had to trust God the entire time to be reassured that I was doing the right the right thing by leaving. Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do and it was incredibly heartbreaking. It hurt my family, and it hurt the people around me. A lot of them didn't think that I needed to leave. But as I prayed about it, I knew it was what I needed to do. St. Louis turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to a place called Mercy Ministries. It's an all girls home, and they have places all around the country as well as outside of the US. The program is completely free to every girl accepted. It's run completely on donations, so the government can't say God isn't allowed in the teaching. Mercy is hands down one of the biggest blessings to any girl that has life controlling issues. I will always have a place in my heart for Mercy.

Going through such an extensive rehab program was insane. Most days I didn't think I was going to last. While I was there, I was still having strong temptations to use drugs. My sleeping patterns were thrown off, and I had to basically relearn how to function normally. As the seconds have continued to tick, things have become gradually easier. I won't say that I'm not still tempted to use drugs. I've even fallen into the trap of switching coping mechanisms and have drank more than I should. The thought of becoming an alcoholic to substitute being a drug addict is unacceptable, so I've taken the measures I've needed to so that doesn't happen. I've learned that coping with life doesn't have to involve any kind of substance. Although it's not my first reaction to want to turn to something other than drugs or any other substance, I've gained the strength to resist it when life gets complicated. "Coping" was always viewed as something negative before I went to Mercy, and even somewhat after I came home. In my head, it was something weak people did to mask the pain. Boy was I wrong. Coping is a natural response to life's circumstances. It's a healthy way to keep pushing forward in order to get to a point that you realize life isn't going to end when it gets tough. Coping was always so negative to me because I was in fact "masking the pain". I was using drugs as a cop out, instead of actually dealing with my problems. I was coping in unhealthy ways.

There are healthy ways to cope with life. Talking to someone and allowing people to be there for me is the biggest way I have learned to cope. It's not easy to do this. In fact, in a real backwards kind of way, I've found that I end up fighting and pushing the people that I respect. This makes is difficult for anyone to try and be there for me and keep me accountable. But sure enough, once I'm able to push past my own stubbornness, I'm able to take in what other people have to say. Another way I've learned to cope with life is to engage myself in hobbies. I've taken up archery recently, and have grown very fond of it! I absolutely LOVE target practicing and pushing myself to shoot better. It's amazing how well it helps me to take my mind off of things. When I'm done shooting, I've found that I'm much more relaxed than I was, and I'm able to think about things more rationally. Keeping myself busy is very helpful. I actually enjoy going to work and being able to joke around and have fun with my co-workers. I also know, that even in my work environment I'm surrounded by people who would call me out if they saw that I might have a problem. To me, that's huge. I know that wherever I'm at, whether it be at work or at home, that I'm surrounded by people that I can trust. That sense of security is probably the biggest thing for me since I've been back home.

Removing myself from my old friends was probably the hardest part of this entire process. I tried hanging out with them when I returned, but I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be possible to keep these people in my life if I wanted to stay sober. The temptation was just too big. It's much easier to say no to a stranger than it is to someone who knows you inside and out, and knows how to hit your weak spots. This was a very lonely and painful process to go through. Sometimes I still miss them, but I know what I did was for the best. Since I distanced myself from the old crowd, I was forced to find a new crowd. It took awhile, but I finally forced myself to join a small group at church. This has been HUGE! I love the people I have met and know that I've found some life long friends. These new friends, along with the one's I met at rehab, and even the few that stuck by my side through the Mercy stay have been amazing.

Life after Mercy has been incredible. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm blessed to be alive today. I wake up every morning and I'm thankful that I've been given a second, third, and many more chances to walk out my freedom. I thank God that He brought me out of the pit and that He has done such an amazing work in me. I know now that life is much more than "ups and downs". I've learned that it's about allowing myself to be open to change. It's about embracing it no matter what the circumstance is, because circumstances aren't whats going define how my story will end. I have to chose how to respond to life. It's about being thankful for what I have. It's being willing to let the world see what I have to offer and taking the risk that some may not like it...and being OK with that. It's about knowing who I am in Christ, and knowing what I stand for. I don't always get it right, but I'm learning that my mistakes and setbacks aren't going to ruin who I've fought so hard to become.

As the seconds pass,  I'm going to continue to embrace this crazy journey. I'm going to keep pushing forward. I still have things I need to work on, but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not rush things. I'm going to continue to allow those who I can trust to lead me where I need to go when I stumble. And I'm going to keep up the long process of learning how to humble myself and allow God to work in my life...even if it means being quiet and allowing myself to listen to Him and those around me. I'm thankful for all He has done, and all he will continue to do! So let the clock keep rolling!!

I'm lost

I'm waiting. but you never show up. Sure, your lips are moving, but those aren't your words coming out. They haven't been for years. A label is the only reason you recognize yourself. A label is what you've become. A thin white sheet of paper tells you who you are. Otherwise, you'd have no clue. You're lost within the pain. Life should be more hard, but you've taken the easy way out. Honestly, I don't know how to express myself and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I'm at a loss for words, so I just sit there. I sit and wonder what's going through your head. I wonder why things ended up this way. It drives me insane. I wish I could fix it. You say things are getting better. but I see past that. Things are getting worse every day. You're drowning and you don't even know it. Nobody can save you but you. I pray that you'll one day realize this. I pray that you'll one day understand that life is allowed to be complicated.

I live in a constant state of turmoil.I want to save people but I just can't. I take on burdens that aren't mine to bare. Life is difficult some days. I don't know how to move forward and I can't understand how to let go. A lot of the time I end up coping in ways that are unhealthy. I just don't know how to watch people slowly kill themselves. My heart just breaks for those who hurt. I know there are things that are out of my control, but I'm too stubborn to just move on. One day I know I'll find peace, but until then I'm going to live the best I can.

Lately I've been tempted to drown out the pain I'm feeling. I'm trying my best to not give in, but most days I find myself unsuccessful. I have a huge support system, but I'm not taking advantage of that. Instead I'm withdrawing myself from them so I don't have to deal with all this. I know that this post seems vague, but I can't go into details here. I'm asking that those of you that have managed to make it this far into reading this would pray for me. I'm feeling lost and don;t know what to do. All I can do is be there and pray that God will intervene.

sometimes words are harder than stones

Words effect others more than you think. Lately, I've been pretty self conscious of the words people have been speaking to me. A lot of it is in good fun and through joking, but some of it isn't so funny. I can't tell if I should be taking people seriously or not. I know who I am, and I know who God says I am...but it's really hard to walk that out sometimes when it feels like the whole world is judging me. Sometimes I struggle with these comments. Other times I just let them pass on by.

Words just hurts sometimes. People don't mean to hurt feelings most times. I know I'm like that all the time. I joke around way too much and then end up hurting someone's feelings without knowing it. I think that we all need to be more conscious of the contxt we are using our words in. Context can make the difference of someone's day. For me, I know it's hard to read the context of the situation sometimes. Other times, it's laid out there pretty clear. It's something I need to work on, but it's also something other people need to work o as well. You never know when an innocent comment ends up ruining someone's day. I'm praying that we can all become more conscious of one anothers' feelings.

this isn't really a blog, but more of a opinion and just what's been on my mind lately.