"The Sharp Knife of a Short Life"

Years after my friends death, I haven't fully recovered. The impact that losing someone you love leaves on you is insane. I still have those days that I miss him so much. I wonder what life would be like if he was still here. He was such a sweet guy and had so much going for him. I don't understand why he left us so early in life. It hurts my heart that he isn't here anymore. I just miss him. Sometimes, when I hear about the loss of other people, I think back to my friend. I struggle to comfort those that have lost loved ones, because I too, have lost someone close. I know that there isn't a lot you can say to someone that is hurting. The best you can do is be there as they try to work though what happened. Going though this kind of pain is unimaginable. When it's unexpected, it's a whole new story. You just don't expect life to end for people the way it does. It makes you question everything and it makes you appreciate things so much more.

I've been hurting for my brother in law these past few days. He has lost a friend and I can see that he is hurting. I don't know what to say to him. I pray for him constantly. And I am reminded of my own losses in life and how hard they were. I've given him his space and done random acts of kindness for him to ease his load after he gets off work. In times like this, words just don't seem to help. Nothing does. Time eventually heals wounds like this...but it never seems like time moves quick enough. It seems like life starts to move in slow motion and you are doing everything you can to just make it through another day.

I know all of this seems like random rambling, but it's all I've got to say right now. Life isn't always easy. We know that it's going to end eventually, but when it ends unexpectedly we don't always know how to respond. It's tough. I'm praying for my brother in law, and praying for the family effected by this tragedy. Over the years, I've experienced a lot of death and I know how much it hurts. It hurts to watch those I love go through what I've gone through. So I pray that those effected are able to move forward and appreciate what' s in front of them more. I pray that they are able to get through this time. Dealing with life isn't always easy. We aren't given the answers we always want when it comes to asking questions. We just have to keep on living and make the most of what we've got. So, I urge those of you that are reading this to look at things in a new light. I urge you to begin to truly appreciate what you have, because you don't know when you're going to lose it. This isn't some game we are playing. We are here to love one another and help each other out. Don't be afraid to ask for help and acknowledge that you are hurting. Life isn't worth wasting because you don't feel like living. The actions you make effect more people than you know. So I encourage you to seek help if you're feeling down. I know this post is a bunch of rambling, but I know from experience that things really get tough sometimes. Don't let the hard times define you. Let them help you grow into a better person so that you can help others that don't quite know what to do when life gets hard. 

Jumping Off a Bridge

When it comes to learning to be your own person, we've all heard the question, "If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you?". Depending on who you're asking, the answer is a quick "no". Then there are the ones who try to be smart and say, "it depends on how high the bridge is." I was always the one with the second answer. In a way, I think that both answers elude to what kind of person you are. The one with the quick "no" is probably more likely to make better life choices, and the one with the smart aleck remark is probably more likely to follow the crowd. In either case, the person answering is learning a little more about who they are, and what kind of person they want to be. Peer pressure is usually a problem that is said to be dealt with when you're in school. But I believe that it's something we battle with our entire lives. Whether it's making the choice to say no to drugs, or buying the latest sports car, all of us are influenced by our peers. And some of us are more influenced by those around us than we might like to admit. Well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely influenced by the people closest to me on a daily basis.

Personally, I struggle with people pleasing. It's always been a problem of mine, but I just feel the need to be accepted. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but sometimes that need is taken too far. For a long time, the majority of the drug use in my past was based on the acceptance of other people. I wanted to fit in and feel loved by others. The people that meant the most to me were using drugs, so I figured the only way to get close to them was to be like them and join them...even when I was ready to quit. The need to be accepted lead to a massive delay in quitting the drug use. Even today, drug free, I struggle with being accepted and with people pleasing. I struggle the most when it comes to pleasing my father, as well as father figures in my life. I just don't ever feel like I meet their expectations of me.

When it comes to pleasing my father and father figures, I'm just at a loss. I have the knowledge that acceptance isn't necessary with humans because my father in heaven accepts me no matter what. But in the moment, I don't always think about that and I become frustrated that I can never feel "good enough". I try so hard to measure up to the standards of the men in my life and I always seem to come short. I know a lot of it has to do with he fact that I am hard on myself and place standards in front of me that were never even established. But there are those moments when they expect something out of me and I fail. It's in these moments when I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm human and not perfect. Instead, I beat myself up and get angry at the other person. My pride gets in the way and I start to argue with them about something that's really not that big of a deal in the first place. Once I start to argue they get mad at me. But because I'm not thinking straight, I read into this wrong. Instead of realizing that they aren't mad at me for failing, but frustrated that I'm arguing with them, I take it as they are mad at me for not doing a good enough job. Once that happens I find myself making excuses as to why I didn't do what I was supposed to and end up getting myself in a mess.

The other problem that comes with me wanting to please people all the time, is that I don't stand up for myself. I find myself compromising on my values and beliefs. When people question what I'm doing or question my motives, I don't always know how to respond. Sometimes I just do what I know I shouldn't do just so they won't think I'm lame. Other times I get in on the conversation and act like I'm down with what they're into so they don't think I'm lame. Later I walk away regretting that I said I was into something I'm not, but then find myself in a hole that just keeps getting deeper because my pride won't allow me to admit to them that I lied about being down with what they were down with. When someone questions my motives, I get angry and think that they aren't accepting what I'm doing instead of taking into account that they may have just been asking a question. I become critical of not only myself, but of others around me. I make it hard for people to get to know the real me because I'm so concerned with making sure they see the "me" I think they should see.

Lately, I've found that not a lot of people know who I really am, and what I'm really about. I got into a conversation today with a co-worker about what I wanted to do with my future, and when I told her I'm really interested in ministry, she looked crazy shocked. She couldn't even believe that I was a Christian. It made me take a  really hard look at myself. What have I been saying that made her think I wasn't? What actions were being displayed to where she had to question my beliefs? This really bothered me. I go to church every Sunday and love Jesus with everything I am, but I've apparently turned into the "Sunday Christian" instead of the "everyday Christian". Some people know without a doubt my love for Jesus, but I've realized that the people who I am meeting on the job and running into on a daily basis may not be seeing that person. So I have to question myself. I have to ask myself who I really am, and what I really believe. If I really am who Christ says I am, then why aren't others seeing that? I've realized that I need to work on people pleasing and the need to be accepted by others. All of this has created a facade that I didn't even realize I was creating. That conversation with my co-worker was a reality check for sure. It was also an opportunity to learn something about myself and begin to explore what I need to change. I am God's child and shouldn't be concerned with fitting in. I should be concerned with living my life in a way that glorifies Him. So from this point forward, I want to be the person that answers "no" when someone asks me, "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Waiting for Mr. Right

In an instant gratification culture, waiting is something that's hard to come by. We live in a fast progressing culture that is fueled by how quickly we can accomplish things. This may not always be a bad thing, and in some instances it's incredibly helpful. But when it comes to our personal relationships, instant gratification can be detrimental. If we carry over our desire to hurry things along, then we may miss out on meeting the person God has planned for us to marry. Let me expand this thought.

I recently read a facebook status that talked about waiting for the right person to marry. It said that settling for the "good" guy instead of waiting for a great guy is a mistake. Rushing into a relationship can lead to problems, and may lead to a bad ending. Waiting for the right person instead of settling is essential for a healthy relationship. As I read this status I got to thinking how important it was for me to personally hear. Being single isn't easy when most of my friends are dating, engaged, or already married. I feel like I'm behind the game. I've been waiting for the right guy for a long time. About a year ago, I was ready to marry my best friend, but doing that would have been settling. He was a great guy and we were compatible on so many levels. But he didn't have the values I was looking for in a husband. The marriage wouldn't have been terrible, and we probably could have made it work...but I knew in my heart that he wasn't the one. As difficult as it was, I ended the relationship. We still hung out, but keeping the friendship on a just friends level became too difficult and about 3 months ago I had to part ways with my best friend. This was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I knew it was for the best, but it still hurt me really bad. I walked away feeling so alone and completely defeated. As time went on I became more isolated. The pain I've experienced due to the loss of this friendship has been unbearable at times. But as I read this status I was reminded that the pain I'm feeling now wouldn't be anything to the pain I would have felt years down the road had I decided to rush into something I wasn't completely ready for, or someone I wasn't completely happy with. I've been learning more about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I'm interested in being married to. I've also learned that I'm not willing to settle for any man. I don't want to marry someone who I'm simply compatible with, but someone who is willing to challenge me. I want someone who loves Jesus before he loves me. I want a leader and someone who can support me. I don't want to sit around all day and wait for life to happen, but I want to do life with the love of my life and grow with that person. The list can go on and on, but I have standards that I'm no longer willing to set aside or compromise on because I'm tired of being single. Waiting is really hard, but I'm prepared to wait if it means that I'll have a happy and healthy marriage in the future. Until then, I'm praying for my future husband and praying that God will bring the right person into my life at just the right time in my life.

Learning to control my sarcasm

This isn't a profound statement or anything, but words have the power to really hurt someone. Biting my tounge is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm the kins of person that says whats on my mind before I think it though. I'm a realist and don't like to sugar coat things. When it comes to giving my opnion, but tend to force it on people instead of considering their point of view. I'm incredibly sarcastic and more often than not, my sarcasim comes across as me being rude or putting someone down. All of these things added into a 24 hour time slot makes ofr a rough day sometimes.

When it comes to my words, I don't usually intended to hurt people. It happens because it's easy to misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I forget that other people are sensitive and that other people don't always find my sarcasm humorous. I grew up in a home where sarcasm was used on a daily basis. I learned to hide behind sarcasm to mask my emotions. I've learned that sarcasm is often the root of anger, fear, rejection, or pain. As I've expressed in a previous blog, dealing with my emotions isn't something that's easy for me. This is a huge barrier in the way I communicate with others. Instead of just having a conversation with someone, I end up cracking a joke or poking fun at them at the wrong time. There is a time and place to be sarcastic, and every conversation definitely isn't it. I struggle to use it appropriately. I end up hurting someone's feelings and then struggle to be remorseful because I didn't think what I said was harmful even if they did. I put barriers in my relationships without even realizing it sometimes.

I know what scripture says about taming the tongue, but it's not always easy to put that into practice. For me personally, it's a daily ordeal to tame my tongue. I'm trying to learn how to be a better person. I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive person and to be more considerate with my words. I'm learning that not everyone appreciates my opinions and that there is a time and place to share them. My intentions are usually pure, but it doesn't always show. Growing up learning how to connect with people through sarcasm and jokes works sometimes, but I've learned it doesn't work all the time. Hiding behind sarcasm makes it difficult for people to get to know the real me. That with the mixture of my tendency to speak my mind makes me come across as a negative person. I pray often for God to make me more aware of my words so that others will be blessed by what I say and not hurt.

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” - Dr. Seuss

I once heard a pastor say, "If you're too busy playing the role of someone else, then who's playing you?" The minute I heard this, I couldn't help but relate to it. On more than one occasion I've definitely found myself playing the role of someone other than myself. I think a lot of it has to do with my need to feel like I have to please everyone.

I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.

Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.

I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.

Chosing the correct vessel

God places all kinds of people into each of our lives to use as vessels. Some are there to guide us, some to be mentors, and some to simply just do life with. All of these people have different roles, and all of them are there for a reason. Over the past few months I've been learning about the different roles people play in my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize the different roles people play in my life so I don't get frustrated at the people that mean the most to me. It's not fair to expect the same people to be there for me all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of my comfort zone and allow other people in. Sure, it takes a lot of humility, but that's all apart of trusting God. That's why God has placed so many people in all of our lives. I'm thankful for all the people He has placed in my live to even things out.

 An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.

Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.

The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.

Bringing Light into the Darkness

In the Bible, 1 John talks about Jesus being the light of the world. It says that when we honor Jesus and love Him, we are living in the light. When we don't, we are living in darkness. People who claim to live in a "dark" world, are people who are living without accepting Jesus. God is the light of the world, so the world cannot be without light, only people can. I think it's interesting to think that darkness can often be transparent. There is always potential for light to be present in the dark. People who know God can sometimes experience darkness, but they are never far from the light. I believe that those who don't know Jesus at all still have light in them, they just aren't aware of it. The ability to experience love is the ability to experience light, even in the midst of darkness. The ability to love is a gift from God, even if people aren't aware of it. So when love is being displayed, so is the light of Jesus.

To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.