Learning to Cope

The hard stuff we face early in life is necessary for later on in life. The high school experience is the perfect example. For a lot of kids, it's an awkward stage in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do in the future. Kids are harsh and hormones become overwhelming. Learning how to deal with your emotions is extremely difficult. But eventually this awkward stage passes and you learn how to deal with life around you and move forward. But for some kids, this never happens. Due to other factors, some kids drown out life and find unhealthy ways to cope, and therefore miss out on the necessary skills to deal with life properly. In high school, I became one of those kids, and drugs became that factor that hindered my ability to cope with life. Drugs destroyed my sense of being. When life got hard, I never dealt with it. Instead I drowned out all of life's struggles with massive drug use. I stopped living, and started existing. I just walked through my high school experience in a daze. When things got emotional, instead of allowing my body to work though them and learn how to process what I was feeling, I used drugs. Learning how to make new friends consisted of me seeking out other people using drugs. We connected on our similar interests, but never connected on a deeper level. I couldn't have fun unless I was high, so when I went out and was low on drugs, my experience wasn't very fun. I became bored very quickly when I wasn't high. Drugs made my life feel complete. They gave me a false sense of confidence and a false sense of being.

The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.

Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be  started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.