Testing the Waters

"Aren't you gonna test the waters?" I remember one of my co-workers saying that to me awhile back. The situation he was talking about doesn't matter now, but the statement has stuck with me. It's a question that I often ask myself. But I wonder if I've been too cautious my entire life? For as long as I can remember I've never really been the "go getter" type. I usually need a push to get going. I'm not really one to just "test waters". I know what's comfortable for me, and the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me anxious. But recently I've learned how staying in my comfort zone for too long isn't always comfortable. I used to say that once things get comfortable, it's time for a change. Well, I had to take my own advice.

Staying in my comfort zone prevented me from growing. When I was in high school I used to love learning new things. Philosophy and debating were the two things I needed zero motivation with. I loved the drive and I loved what it did to my mind. The hunt for answers drove me to discover new things about the world and myself that I never would have otherwise. ...and then things became comfortable. I eventually stopped studying and blogging a few years after high school and fell into the mundane routines of life. I no longer felt like I was growing, I had become stagnant and I hated myself for that, I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. The joy I used to feel was slowly being sucked away from me because I stopped testing the waters. I stopped trying new things and discovering more about myself. I just assumed I knew who I was after all the studying and didn't realize that I'm never going to stop growing, I can't force myself to stay where I'm at because I'm scared of what's to come. Somewhere along the way I lost that part of me.

I want that part of me back again. I want to find out who I am again and rediscover my passion for knowledge. I want to take chances in life instead of staying comfortable. Comfortable is great for the anxious person...but ironically it also leaves the anxious more anxious. Nothing is worse than the unknown for someone who is anxious, and if I'm stuck in my comfort zone there's a good change the unknown is slipping further and further away from me. Part of me doesn't want to take chances and test waters because of that fear of the unknown. But the fear of never knowing what I never tired is bigger than the one that's keeping me in chains. So I'm breaking free from those chains and officially testing some new waters in life.

31,536 000 and counting!!

There are 31,536 000 in a year. As many of you may remember, I had a post awhile back stating how many seconds were in a month. Those seconds represented how long I had been sober from smoking pot a that time. I'm extremely proud to say that it has now been over a year and a half since I have last touched that drug, or any other drug!! I wasn't able to stay sober after the first post, but this time I have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The methods I took to stay sober were drastically different than the ones I tried before. God was still the biggest part of it all, but this time I completely removed myself from my environment. Definitely not an easy task. It upset a lot of people that I left home and went to St. Louis for 6 months. I had to trust God the entire time to be reassured that I was doing the right the right thing by leaving. Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do and it was incredibly heartbreaking. It hurt my family, and it hurt the people around me. A lot of them didn't think that I needed to leave. But as I prayed about it, I knew it was what I needed to do. St. Louis turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I went to a place called Mercy Ministries. It's an all girls home, and they have places all around the country as well as outside of the US. The program is completely free to every girl accepted. It's run completely on donations, so the government can't say God isn't allowed in the teaching. Mercy is hands down one of the biggest blessings to any girl that has life controlling issues. I will always have a place in my heart for Mercy.

Going through such an extensive rehab program was insane. Most days I didn't think I was going to last. While I was there, I was still having strong temptations to use drugs. My sleeping patterns were thrown off, and I had to basically relearn how to function normally. As the seconds have continued to tick, things have become gradually easier. I won't say that I'm not still tempted to use drugs. I've even fallen into the trap of switching coping mechanisms and have drank more than I should. The thought of becoming an alcoholic to substitute being a drug addict is unacceptable, so I've taken the measures I've needed to so that doesn't happen. I've learned that coping with life doesn't have to involve any kind of substance. Although it's not my first reaction to want to turn to something other than drugs or any other substance, I've gained the strength to resist it when life gets complicated. "Coping" was always viewed as something negative before I went to Mercy, and even somewhat after I came home. In my head, it was something weak people did to mask the pain. Boy was I wrong. Coping is a natural response to life's circumstances. It's a healthy way to keep pushing forward in order to get to a point that you realize life isn't going to end when it gets tough. Coping was always so negative to me because I was in fact "masking the pain". I was using drugs as a cop out, instead of actually dealing with my problems. I was coping in unhealthy ways.

There are healthy ways to cope with life. Talking to someone and allowing people to be there for me is the biggest way I have learned to cope. It's not easy to do this. In fact, in a real backwards kind of way, I've found that I end up fighting and pushing the people that I respect. This makes is difficult for anyone to try and be there for me and keep me accountable. But sure enough, once I'm able to push past my own stubbornness, I'm able to take in what other people have to say. Another way I've learned to cope with life is to engage myself in hobbies. I've taken up archery recently, and have grown very fond of it! I absolutely LOVE target practicing and pushing myself to shoot better. It's amazing how well it helps me to take my mind off of things. When I'm done shooting, I've found that I'm much more relaxed than I was, and I'm able to think about things more rationally. Keeping myself busy is very helpful. I actually enjoy going to work and being able to joke around and have fun with my co-workers. I also know, that even in my work environment I'm surrounded by people who would call me out if they saw that I might have a problem. To me, that's huge. I know that wherever I'm at, whether it be at work or at home, that I'm surrounded by people that I can trust. That sense of security is probably the biggest thing for me since I've been back home.

Removing myself from my old friends was probably the hardest part of this entire process. I tried hanging out with them when I returned, but I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be possible to keep these people in my life if I wanted to stay sober. The temptation was just too big. It's much easier to say no to a stranger than it is to someone who knows you inside and out, and knows how to hit your weak spots. This was a very lonely and painful process to go through. Sometimes I still miss them, but I know what I did was for the best. Since I distanced myself from the old crowd, I was forced to find a new crowd. It took awhile, but I finally forced myself to join a small group at church. This has been HUGE! I love the people I have met and know that I've found some life long friends. These new friends, along with the one's I met at rehab, and even the few that stuck by my side through the Mercy stay have been amazing.

Life after Mercy has been incredible. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm blessed to be alive today. I wake up every morning and I'm thankful that I've been given a second, third, and many more chances to walk out my freedom. I thank God that He brought me out of the pit and that He has done such an amazing work in me. I know now that life is much more than "ups and downs". I've learned that it's about allowing myself to be open to change. It's about embracing it no matter what the circumstance is, because circumstances aren't whats going define how my story will end. I have to chose how to respond to life. It's about being thankful for what I have. It's being willing to let the world see what I have to offer and taking the risk that some may not like it...and being OK with that. It's about knowing who I am in Christ, and knowing what I stand for. I don't always get it right, but I'm learning that my mistakes and setbacks aren't going to ruin who I've fought so hard to become.

As the seconds pass,  I'm going to continue to embrace this crazy journey. I'm going to keep pushing forward. I still have things I need to work on, but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not rush things. I'm going to continue to allow those who I can trust to lead me where I need to go when I stumble. And I'm going to keep up the long process of learning how to humble myself and allow God to work in my life...even if it means being quiet and allowing myself to listen to Him and those around me. I'm thankful for all He has done, and all he will continue to do! So let the clock keep rolling!!

I'm lost

I'm waiting. but you never show up. Sure, your lips are moving, but those aren't your words coming out. They haven't been for years. A label is the only reason you recognize yourself. A label is what you've become. A thin white sheet of paper tells you who you are. Otherwise, you'd have no clue. You're lost within the pain. Life should be more hard, but you've taken the easy way out. Honestly, I don't know how to express myself and I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I'm at a loss for words, so I just sit there. I sit and wonder what's going through your head. I wonder why things ended up this way. It drives me insane. I wish I could fix it. You say things are getting better. but I see past that. Things are getting worse every day. You're drowning and you don't even know it. Nobody can save you but you. I pray that you'll one day realize this. I pray that you'll one day understand that life is allowed to be complicated.

I live in a constant state of turmoil.I want to save people but I just can't. I take on burdens that aren't mine to bare. Life is difficult some days. I don't know how to move forward and I can't understand how to let go. A lot of the time I end up coping in ways that are unhealthy. I just don't know how to watch people slowly kill themselves. My heart just breaks for those who hurt. I know there are things that are out of my control, but I'm too stubborn to just move on. One day I know I'll find peace, but until then I'm going to live the best I can.

Lately I've been tempted to drown out the pain I'm feeling. I'm trying my best to not give in, but most days I find myself unsuccessful. I have a huge support system, but I'm not taking advantage of that. Instead I'm withdrawing myself from them so I don't have to deal with all this. I know that this post seems vague, but I can't go into details here. I'm asking that those of you that have managed to make it this far into reading this would pray for me. I'm feeling lost and don;t know what to do. All I can do is be there and pray that God will intervene.

sometimes words are harder than stones

Words effect others more than you think. Lately, I've been pretty self conscious of the words people have been speaking to me. A lot of it is in good fun and through joking, but some of it isn't so funny. I can't tell if I should be taking people seriously or not. I know who I am, and I know who God says I am...but it's really hard to walk that out sometimes when it feels like the whole world is judging me. Sometimes I struggle with these comments. Other times I just let them pass on by.

Words just hurts sometimes. People don't mean to hurt feelings most times. I know I'm like that all the time. I joke around way too much and then end up hurting someone's feelings without knowing it. I think that we all need to be more conscious of the contxt we are using our words in. Context can make the difference of someone's day. For me, I know it's hard to read the context of the situation sometimes. Other times, it's laid out there pretty clear. It's something I need to work on, but it's also something other people need to work o as well. You never know when an innocent comment ends up ruining someone's day. I'm praying that we can all become more conscious of one anothers' feelings.

this isn't really a blog, but more of a opinion and just what's been on my mind lately.

An update on life

As the months continue to pass since my graduation from Mercy Ministries, I grow continually thankful for the new life I was given through the grace of Jesus. As I've mentioned before, I was blessed to have the opportunity to move in with my sister and her family after I graduated. The purpose of this was to allow them to keep me accountable for my actions so I didn't slip back into my old habits. There have been a few close calls, but I've grown to trust them to not let me slip. They have helped me gain confidence in myself and learn how to live a drug free life. They've also helped me become a stronger person. I've had some major ups and downs since I've been back home and they saw me through each and every one...even when I became difficult. I don't have the words to express my gratitude.

Recently I put in an application so that I can move out on my own. This is definitely terrifying, but it's the next step in the process to independence. Part of me doesn't feel ready, but the other part of me feels ready to move forward and begin a life of independence and adulthood. They have been preparing me for this time since I got back. As the move out date becomes closer, reality has started to sink in. But I've become more excited about the idea of being on my own. The point of saying all this is that I've realized a very important lesson through all this.

Independence is learned through dependence. I know this idea doesn't seem that profound, but for me it's become mind blowing. Because I've never known a life without being dependent on someone, I've never been able to fully experience independence. But as I've grown in the last year, I've learned a few things about independence. The biggest thing I've learned is that when a person becomes comfortable with depending on people, it's time to make a step towards independence. This is true in all stages of life. It's a learning experience for sure. But I've learned that since I've become dependent on living with my sister it's time to take the next step. For example, with my budgeting I've become too comfortable in allowing them to keep me accountable. So here and there I'll spend more money than I know I should because in the back of my mind I know that the rent they are charging me will allow me to afford this splurge. Unfortunately when I move, I won't have that kind of money to blow. To me, this is an indicator that I need to take the next step so I can keep learning how to better budget on my own without their help. This is true when it comes to time management. and other responsibilities as well. I'm finally reaching a point in my journey that indicates it's time for me to move on.

So as I wait for the call from the apartment saying I can move, I will continue to allow myself to learn. I still make mistakes, so in those instances I know that I can still reply on the help that's been provided. But I will continue to try my best and keep pushing myself.

A tiny glimpse of an eating disorder

Being a woman has it's advantages, and disadvantages. In the culture we live in, body image is probably the number one issues women face. For me personally, most of my life I have been consumed with my body image. I've always wanted to be skinny and feel pretty. I grew up in a home of people that were skinny. My dad and brother could eat anything and not gain a pound. For a lot of my life, I was like that too. When high school hit, things started to change. I became aware of how food effected my body and became uncomfortable. A lot of girls my age were dieting or starving themselves. I always thought that things like that would never effect me, but slowly I became very aware of my body. Things became very hard for me. Eating in front of people became difficult. A lot of the times I would eat a small amount while I was around people, and then binge eat when I was alone because I was starving. But I noticed that I was gaining weight. I was never that unhealthy with my weight, but I somehow convinced myself that I was fat. I heard comments from other people that implied it. I shrugged it off in front of them, but the minute I walked away, I couldn't get over it. For the longest time, I lived with these feelings. Eventually my mind got the best of me and I began to starve myself. I began eating once a day and even that was a tiny amount. I exercised about 3 hours a day and rode my bike at least 30 miles a day. I was determined to be skinny. People began to comment that I looked good and commented that I had lost weight. This motivated me to want to lose more weight. The day before I left to go to rehab, I remember thinking that I was fat. But when I got there, they said they were going to weigh me. I weighed in at 100 pounds. I didn't think it was possible. I had to weight more. Without realizing it, I had convinced myself that eating wasn't ok. The pressure that I had put on myself was unreal. When I was away, I realized that people effected me than I thought they did. I compared myself to magazine models and 12 year old girls. I thought that women were supposed to be small to fit in.

While I was gone, things started to change. The program I was in forced me to eat. I was given the option to eat, or leave. I knew that I needed to be there so I could get rid of my drug problem and depression...so I slowly started to comply. Eventually I started eating 3 meals a day and being ok with doing so. I hit a huge bump in the road when I started to gain weight. But I learned that it wasn't unhealthy to gain weight. My body had been deprived of nutrients for so long, and after awhile it started to become"normal". I had to learn that gaining weight was a part of becoming a woman. Having curves isn't a bad thing. I eventually started to accept that I was supposed to have curves. I learned that weight isn't what defines me. I learned that God still accepts me and that people would rather see me with a few curves than see me starve myself. Sure, there have been times where I have become angry or guilty for eating, but since rehab, I've been able to overcome those feelings.

Since I've graduated from Mercy, I've learned to accept who I am and accept that my body will change. It hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm not who people say I am. I'm lucky enough to survive an eating disorder. There are girls out there who have died because of the pressure people put on them to be skinny. I'm lucky enough that I was saved before things got too bad. I'm blessed that there were people who were looking out for me when I was drugged up and being irrational. And I'm thankful for the strength God has given me to keep pushing forward. There are days when I feel like my old self and want to stop eating. There are days when all I want to do is use drugs. But I know that God has bugger plans for me. This blog was only a small glimpse of the struggle I went though. But I'm thankful to be able to share this little bit in hopes to encourage just one person.

Gay? Fine by me.

So Illinois recently decided to pass on allowing gay marriage. As a Christ follower, society tells me that I should be thankful for this. But if I can be honest, it hurts my heart. I know a lot of people who read this blog won't agree with my views, but I'm willing to risk losing some readers. I'm not gonna try to back up my views with bible verses or get crazy with my views and start a debate, because fighting over this topic is tiring and stupid. I'm writing to share my feelings on life like I do in any other blog post I write.

I personally feel like denying people the right to marry isn't just. I know I go against the bible I firmly believe in when I say that, but it's hard for me to deny someone the chance to have the rights that I have for being "straight" when people that I love are forced to deal with a civil union. Honestly, I don't understand how it effects anyone else that two people of the same sex want to be married. It's not my relationship, it's theirs. I am personally effected by this topic because people who mean the world to me are not allowed to share the same happiness I can. I don't get how it's OK to tell someone they can't share marriage. I've heard every debate there possibly is on this topic, and none of it matters to me. What matters to me personally is that I have to watch those I love suffer because other people can't get over something that shouldn't be an issue to begin with. For years, marrying someone of the opposite race was unheard of...but we got over that. I grew up with the moral of not discriminating against someone for what they believe. I grew up with the moral to love people no matter what. I grew up respecting that other people have different beliefs than me, but learned to accept them. Not everything I believe is accepted...I'm OK with that. I personally want to marry a man...but that doesn't mean I think every female needs to.

I know a lot of this is just rambling, but I'm saddened that gay marriage is such a crazy topic. I see things that I don't like every day. So I turn my head and continue on with the day. I'm not gonna walk around and hate people who dislike gay marriage. I'll just continue to turn my head. But I will always support my friends and family for who they want to be. I apologize if I upset anyone, but know that I too am upset that my loved ones are being ridiculed and spit on everyday for loving someone. My loved ones are hurting, and I hurt for them. I proudly support gay marriage.