This isn't a profound statement or anything, but words have the power to really hurt someone. Biting my tounge is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm the kins of person that says whats on my mind before I think it though. I'm a realist and don't like to sugar coat things. When it comes to giving my opnion, but tend to force it on people instead of considering their point of view. I'm incredibly sarcastic and more often than not, my sarcasim comes across as me being rude or putting someone down. All of these things added into a 24 hour time slot makes ofr a rough day sometimes.
When it comes to my words, I don't usually intended to hurt people. It happens because it's easy to misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I forget that other people are sensitive and that other people don't always find my sarcasm humorous. I grew up in a home where sarcasm was used on a daily basis. I learned to hide behind sarcasm to mask my emotions. I've learned that sarcasm is often the root of anger, fear, rejection, or pain. As I've expressed in a previous blog, dealing with my emotions isn't something that's easy for me. This is a huge barrier in the way I communicate with others. Instead of just having a conversation with someone, I end up cracking a joke or poking fun at them at the wrong time. There is a time and place to be sarcastic, and every conversation definitely isn't it. I struggle to use it appropriately. I end up hurting someone's feelings and then struggle to be remorseful because I didn't think what I said was harmful even if they did. I put barriers in my relationships without even realizing it sometimes.
I know what scripture says about taming the tongue, but it's not always easy to put that into practice. For me personally, it's a daily ordeal to tame my tongue. I'm trying to learn how to be a better person. I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive person and to be more considerate with my words. I'm learning that not everyone appreciates my opinions and that there is a time and place to share them. My intentions are usually pure, but it doesn't always show. Growing up learning how to connect with people through sarcasm and jokes works sometimes, but I've learned it doesn't work all the time. Hiding behind sarcasm makes it difficult for people to get to know the real me. That with the mixture of my tendency to speak my mind makes me come across as a negative person. I pray often for God to make me more aware of my words so that others will be blessed by what I say and not hurt.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” - Dr. Seuss
I once heard a pastor say, "If you're too busy playing the role of someone else, then who's playing you?" The minute I heard this, I couldn't help but relate to it. On more than one occasion I've definitely found myself playing the role of someone other than myself. I think a lot of it has to do with my need to feel like I have to please everyone.
I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.
Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.
I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.
I remember in the sixth grade, right before the end of the school year, there were cheer leading tryouts for junior high. You should know that I grew up a tom boy. I played football and soccer and wore cloths that weren't usually from the little girls section. I was never into dolls or dancing or things of that nature. I preferred wrestling and rough housing. So when I showed up to school in a pony tail and make up the day of the auditions, people started to talk. They didn't recognize me and started to make fun of me. I brushed it off and continued on with my day. That evening at the audition was a nightmare. All the other girls had routines planned out and looked the part. I had nothing planned but to wing it and hope fore the best. When it came down to my turn for the dancing portion I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was...but compared to the other girls, I didn't even come close. Then came the time for display jumps and flips. I walked into the gym pretty cautious. When it was my turn, I walked up to the edge of the mat with a plan to do the only "trick" I knew how to do. A somersault. I took a deep breath, began to run and then right before the big roll, shuffle stepped and dove into the most lopsided roll anyone has ever seen. I basically tipped over. Afterwards, I got up, put my hands in the hair and proceeded to do my jump, which consisted of me literally just jumping into the air with my feet at an awkward angle and my hands straight up in the air. Instead of the clapping the other girls received, I got that classic "cricket" response that you see in movies. I knew before going into the audition that I wasn't going to make the team, but I wanted to be like my friends and go for it anyway. Being a cheerleader just wasn't me.
Over the years there have been many more instances where I tried to be someone other than myself. Sometimes I wanted to fit in, sometimes I wanted to impress people, and other times I just didn't like who I was. Whatever the situation, being who I wasn't never played out in my favor. I always ended up letting myself or others down. And I always ended up delaying my own personal growth. God made me to be me...not someone else. We all have our own corks and at one point or another wish to be someone else. But the longer I tried to escape myself, the more unhappy I became. After the cheer leading incident, I went back to playing sports and hanging out with the guys. I found friends that accepted me. Over the years, when I tried to be who I wasn't, I lost friends and gained new ones. When I discovered that I didn't like who I became, I found that the people that who liked me for me were still willing to be my friend. I never had to try hard to be someone in front of them because they knew the real me.
I love the question that the pastor posed so much because it challenges me. In the first blog post I ever wrote entitled "Dirty Love" I said, "I think I'd much rather someone see the real me, instead of this fake picture I want to be. Actually, i think if I were to walk around as the fake me I would make it impossible to truly be loved, or feel love for myself. If we can't be honest with our own self, then how the heck are we gonna be honest with someone we desire to be close with." Life isn't about faking it so others will accept you. It's about accepting who God made you to be so that others can be blessed by who you are. I think it's ok to try new things to see if you enjoy them. Actually I think that's necessary in finding out who you are. The problem comes when you are doing things you know you don't like just to gain the acceptance of others. It's human nature to want to be accepted, but I think I'd rather be accepted by those who truly care about me. I feel better about who I am knowing that others know who I am.
Chosing the correct vessel
God places all kinds of people into each of our lives to use as vessels. Some are there to guide us, some to be mentors, and some to simply just do life with. All of these people have different roles, and all of them are there for a reason. Over the past few months I've been learning about the different roles people play in my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize the different roles people play in my life so I don't get frustrated at the people that mean the most to me. It's not fair to expect the same people to be there for me all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of my comfort zone and allow other people in. Sure, it takes a lot of humility, but that's all apart of trusting God. That's why God has placed so many people in all of our lives. I'm thankful for all the people He has placed in my live to even things out.
An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.
Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.
The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.
An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.
Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.
The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bringing Light into the Darkness
In the Bible, 1 John talks about Jesus being the light of the world. It says that when we honor Jesus and love Him, we are living in the light. When we don't, we are living in darkness. People who claim to live in a "dark" world, are people who are living without accepting Jesus. God is the light of the world, so the world cannot be without light, only people can. I think it's interesting to think that darkness can often be transparent. There is always potential for light to be present in the dark. People who know God can sometimes experience darkness, but they are never far from the light. I believe that those who don't know Jesus at all still have light in them, they just aren't aware of it. The ability to experience love is the ability to experience light, even in the midst of darkness. The ability to love is a gift from God, even if people aren't aware of it. So when love is being displayed, so is the light of Jesus.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Learning to Cope
The hard stuff we face early in life is necessary for later on in life. The high school experience is the perfect example. For a lot of kids, it's an awkward stage in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do in the future. Kids are harsh and hormones become overwhelming. Learning how to deal with your emotions is extremely difficult. But eventually this awkward stage passes and you learn how to deal with life around you and move forward. But for some kids, this never happens. Due to other factors, some kids drown out life and find unhealthy ways to cope, and therefore miss out on the necessary skills to deal with life properly. In high school, I became one of those kids, and drugs became that factor that hindered my ability to cope with life. Drugs destroyed my sense of being. When life got hard, I never dealt with it. Instead I drowned out all of life's struggles with massive drug use. I stopped living, and started existing. I just walked through my high school experience in a daze. When things got emotional, instead of allowing my body to work though them and learn how to process what I was feeling, I used drugs. Learning how to make new friends consisted of me seeking out other people using drugs. We connected on our similar interests, but never connected on a deeper level. I couldn't have fun unless I was high, so when I went out and was low on drugs, my experience wasn't very fun. I became bored very quickly when I wasn't high. Drugs made my life feel complete. They gave me a false sense of confidence and a false sense of being.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Turn the Page
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2 These two verses might be one of the most powerful verses in the Bible that I've ever read. The amount of truth they hold is insane! I, Sarah Giese, am not condemned for being a sinner because I have the Spirit of God living in me! The only problem with this is sometimes I forget to turn the page. I get stuck living in a Romans 7 mentality that I am a slave to the laws of sin and death. I get to thinking because I mess up that I can't be saved by God. But I've already been saved! Christ has already paid in full the debt that I should be held accountable for. What better news is there to hear when I feel like I can't be forgiven?!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
Friday, March 1, 2013
My Testimony
A year ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries in St. Louis, IL. If you've never heard of it, Mercy is free program for girls of all ages that struggle with life controlling issues. I thought since it's been a year since I started this journey, that I'd share the testimony I wrote for graduation. I've been home about 6 months now. Before you dive in, I'd like to thank every person that supported my leaving for 6 months, and thank the people who have stood by my side over the years.
I was born Nov. 13, 1989 in the town of Normal, IL. Growing up was a challenge for me. I have two loving parents, but I never thought they were able to provide the love I felt like I needed. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and made it my mission to cling to him as much as possible. But my dad has always struggled with anger for as long as I can remember. He’s extremely funny and sarcastic, but most times you had to catch him in a good mood to experience that. He worked a lot and was usually stressed out from that. My mom is the opposite. She has always given us kids more love than we knew what to do with. She is still that person today. My dad is also much happier today, but back then because I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted from my dad I began detaching myself emotionally from my mom which I think threw her off a bit. To add onto that I started to notice that my parents were fighting a lot. I love my parents very much, but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them about some things. So around the age of 6 when my sister and I were sexually abused, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my sister spoke up, and even though I didn’t admit to anything we were sent to counseling. That plan backfired when the counselor we were seeing for abuse also abused us. About that same time my neighbor also abused me. Around this time at about the age of 7, my parents got a divorce. Once that happened my mom moved out and eventually started living with an old HS friend, who is now my step dad. Steve is a great guy and connected with him with our similar interests in music, sports, and video games. Due to my dad working all day, we stayed with my mom and Steve a lot. I kind of distanced myself from my relationship with my mom and Steve, mostly because I wanted to be around my dad all the time. I spent a lot of weekends with my dad. I loved going over to his house, but I always left feeling pretty empty. Unconditional love wasn’t a term I knew back then, but I thought from the way I was seeing things, that love wasn’t supposed to look like that. My parents do love me unconditionally, but I just wasn’t able to see that at that age.
I began to feel lonely and depressed. Around junior high, I started to become extremely active in my church and spent as much time as I possibly could there. My favorite thing to do there was debate with the youth leaders and kids on my views of God. I fell in love with studying the bible to understand it more in order to try and win arguments. But going to church didn’t solve my depression. It just gave me an excuse to not be at home. By this time I had begun cutting myself. The cutting only lasted a short while, but I was ready to give up on life. I wrote a new suicide note every night for at least 2 months and spent countless nights on the internet looking up ways to kill myself. I could never find the courage to go through with it, so I got into self-destructive behaviors. Near the beginning of my freshmen year I got suspended 15 days for selling alcohol to the students. By the end of that year I was drinking off and on and smoking pot daily. I was still attending church all this time, but now I was high while going. By the time my junior year rolled around I was dealing Adderall, Xanax, and pot, using both pot and Xanax, drinking, and even experimented with morphine. Pot was always my drug of choice and I was high literally 24/7. I smoked before school, and popped Xanax during school to keep me high until I got home to smoke more. Since I was dealing, I was able to keep a steady supply enough to allow me to never come down. I was using to eat, sleep, and basically function. Throughout school, my teachers knew I was using, but nobody ever turned me in. During one of my philosophy classes my junior year, my teacher posed the question, “if the big bang theory is correct, then what put those two into motion?” my need to understand everything drove me to study the question and I concluded that God had to have created me and the rest of the world. But even with this new found knowledge, I chose drugs over Jesus.
When I was 18 I met a guy and we instantly fell in love. He also used drugs, so I found myself using even more if that possible. I moved in with him when I was 19. While living with him, my life became consumed with him and drugs. We were dealing and using all day. I was eventually introduced to opium and fell in love with the feeling. Opium wasn’t used very often, but we did spend all of our time figuring out how to keep a steady supply of pot in the house. We spent anywhere from $20-$120 a day on drugs and pawned whatever we could if we were short on cash. At one point we realized some of the opium we were smoking was actually black tar heroin. I went through periods where the drug life became too much for me because I was still extremely active in the church, even if I was high. I’d go through random weeks of choosing God over drugs, and then go right back into using again. During the summer of 2010, I was baptized and thought I was done with drugs for good. But the sobriety only lasted a short while because I wasn’t allowing God into my life. I thought I could handle hanging with the same crowd and still found myself with the guy I had been with. Even though we were no longer dating, we remained best friends and inseparable. I continued to go to his house every day and hang out with our friends and his family. Over time, his family became like my family. But tragedy struck on Sept. 11, 2010 when his cousin Justin overdosed on heroin and slipped into a coma. We spent nearly a week with him in the hospital at his bedside, but Justin lost the battle on Sept 16, 2010. This absolutely crushed me. I took this loss really hard, but was never able to fully grieve because I felt like I had to be strong for his family. My life spiraled out of control and I slipped further into a deep depression. The drug use got worse and began to lose a lot of weight. My parents had no clue that I was struggling so hard, but my pastors knew everything. I was still meeting with them, but wasn’t getting anywhere because I couldn’t stop using. Every time I met with them I was too high to take anything away. Finally though in the summer of 2011, after numerous failed attempts of me trying to quit, my pastors couldn’t let me continue living this way. They began pushing me to seek professional help or rehab. Rehab was the “r” word to me and completely out of the question, so I usually got mad at the mention of it and turned them down. Eventually though I got to a place where I knew if I didn’t get help I’d potentially end up dead. So through a series of God ordained events, I was introduced to a place called Mercy Ministries. They told me it was a Christ centered rehab that was free of charge. Since I was broke and unwilling to tell my parents what I was doing, I decided to at least fill out the application. Shortly after beginning the application, I walked away for a few months because I wasn’t willing to give up the drugs just yet. I eventually returned to the application and filled it out high as a kite. I didn’t think I was going to get in anyway, so I continued to use throughout the entire application process until they told me that I had to stop using at least two weeks before I got there, otherwise I’d be sent to a detox that wasn’t paid for. I knew I couldn’t risk that, so I told God that if I quit using He’d have to help me. I kept drinking, but took my last hit of pot on Feb 15, 2012. The very next day I got the call that I was accepted into the program. It was totally a God thing.
I walked into the doors of Mercy on March 1, 2012, exactly two weeks after I took my last hit. I haven’t touched pot since. But I walked in extremely angry and reluctant. I knew I wanted help, but I was still under the impression that 6 months for a drug problem was outrageous. I wasn’t willing to admit it, but drugs were only part of the problem. I was 100lbs, very angry, and severely depressed. I was in denial of most my issues and became angry when anyone tried to approach me or tell me to do something. My first week there, while in a fit of anger, one of the staff members told me that I needed to trust her to help me. I could wait a month, or 6 months to do it, but until I began trusting someone I was going to go nowhere. I walked away so angry from that conversation, but those words have not left me since. Since being at Mercy, I have learned to trust people and that by trusting people I can ultimately learn how to trust God. I also learned a lot about submission and resistance, since I spent the first 3 months resisting the program. When I became frustrated that I wasn’t changing, it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t changing because I was still trying to do it on my own. It turns out that trying to do things on my own doesn’t allow God to do any work at all. I also learned a lot about how to control my anger and how to be angry without blowing it. (Thanks Lisa Bevere!). The biggest thing I am taking away from mercy is my ability to accept that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. Through experiencing the unconditional love of the staff at Mercy, I was able to witness that God also loves me. I had Godly people in my life before mercy showing me what unconditional love looks like, but I was never in a place to receive it because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Now, you couldn’t convince me that God doesn’t love me. It took me a while, but all of the knowledge I knew about who God is and what His love looks like eventually moved from my head to my heart.
Life after Mercy hasn't been the easiest thing in the world though. Sure I'm now drug free, but I'm also back in the "real World". I had to relearn how to be me once I got home, because the me I, and everyone else knew is gone. Most of the people I used to hang out with are no longer in my life. My best friend and I still hung out, but things took a nasty turn for the worse in our relationship when he made a mistake he wasn't able to take back. As a result, I had to let go of our friendship. Before walking out the doors, Mercy stressed that things weren't going to go the way we wanted them to. The good news is that Mercy didn't allow a single girl to graduate until they were able to cling on to the fact that even when things go wrong, God is still right there. Trusting that God will still be there to guide me has been the difference in continuing to walk in freedom after Mercy. I am confident that He will keep providing the things I need, and I am confident that He is there with me every step of the way. Life without God just isn't possible for me. Things haven't been all bad either since I've graduated from the program. I've been able to find a steady job, a car, and been blessed beyond words to live with my sister and her family until I'm able to find a place of my own. This has been the most exciting thing about being home actually. I love where I'm at. I'm learning so much, and as hard as it is to submit to my sister and her husbands rules, I'm grateful that they love me enough to keep me accountable. My life is never going to be the same after going through this amazing experience over the last year. God is a God of a million chances. I'm so grateful for that, because honestly, I didn't believe I was worth the chance I was given after what seemed like the millionth time of failing to quit using drugs and drop the lifestyle I knew was dragging me down.
I was born Nov. 13, 1989 in the town of Normal, IL. Growing up was a challenge for me. I have two loving parents, but I never thought they were able to provide the love I felt like I needed. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and made it my mission to cling to him as much as possible. But my dad has always struggled with anger for as long as I can remember. He’s extremely funny and sarcastic, but most times you had to catch him in a good mood to experience that. He worked a lot and was usually stressed out from that. My mom is the opposite. She has always given us kids more love than we knew what to do with. She is still that person today. My dad is also much happier today, but back then because I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted from my dad I began detaching myself emotionally from my mom which I think threw her off a bit. To add onto that I started to notice that my parents were fighting a lot. I love my parents very much, but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them about some things. So around the age of 6 when my sister and I were sexually abused, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my sister spoke up, and even though I didn’t admit to anything we were sent to counseling. That plan backfired when the counselor we were seeing for abuse also abused us. About that same time my neighbor also abused me. Around this time at about the age of 7, my parents got a divorce. Once that happened my mom moved out and eventually started living with an old HS friend, who is now my step dad. Steve is a great guy and connected with him with our similar interests in music, sports, and video games. Due to my dad working all day, we stayed with my mom and Steve a lot. I kind of distanced myself from my relationship with my mom and Steve, mostly because I wanted to be around my dad all the time. I spent a lot of weekends with my dad. I loved going over to his house, but I always left feeling pretty empty. Unconditional love wasn’t a term I knew back then, but I thought from the way I was seeing things, that love wasn’t supposed to look like that. My parents do love me unconditionally, but I just wasn’t able to see that at that age.
I began to feel lonely and depressed. Around junior high, I started to become extremely active in my church and spent as much time as I possibly could there. My favorite thing to do there was debate with the youth leaders and kids on my views of God. I fell in love with studying the bible to understand it more in order to try and win arguments. But going to church didn’t solve my depression. It just gave me an excuse to not be at home. By this time I had begun cutting myself. The cutting only lasted a short while, but I was ready to give up on life. I wrote a new suicide note every night for at least 2 months and spent countless nights on the internet looking up ways to kill myself. I could never find the courage to go through with it, so I got into self-destructive behaviors. Near the beginning of my freshmen year I got suspended 15 days for selling alcohol to the students. By the end of that year I was drinking off and on and smoking pot daily. I was still attending church all this time, but now I was high while going. By the time my junior year rolled around I was dealing Adderall, Xanax, and pot, using both pot and Xanax, drinking, and even experimented with morphine. Pot was always my drug of choice and I was high literally 24/7. I smoked before school, and popped Xanax during school to keep me high until I got home to smoke more. Since I was dealing, I was able to keep a steady supply enough to allow me to never come down. I was using to eat, sleep, and basically function. Throughout school, my teachers knew I was using, but nobody ever turned me in. During one of my philosophy classes my junior year, my teacher posed the question, “if the big bang theory is correct, then what put those two into motion?” my need to understand everything drove me to study the question and I concluded that God had to have created me and the rest of the world. But even with this new found knowledge, I chose drugs over Jesus.
When I was 18 I met a guy and we instantly fell in love. He also used drugs, so I found myself using even more if that possible. I moved in with him when I was 19. While living with him, my life became consumed with him and drugs. We were dealing and using all day. I was eventually introduced to opium and fell in love with the feeling. Opium wasn’t used very often, but we did spend all of our time figuring out how to keep a steady supply of pot in the house. We spent anywhere from $20-$120 a day on drugs and pawned whatever we could if we were short on cash. At one point we realized some of the opium we were smoking was actually black tar heroin. I went through periods where the drug life became too much for me because I was still extremely active in the church, even if I was high. I’d go through random weeks of choosing God over drugs, and then go right back into using again. During the summer of 2010, I was baptized and thought I was done with drugs for good. But the sobriety only lasted a short while because I wasn’t allowing God into my life. I thought I could handle hanging with the same crowd and still found myself with the guy I had been with. Even though we were no longer dating, we remained best friends and inseparable. I continued to go to his house every day and hang out with our friends and his family. Over time, his family became like my family. But tragedy struck on Sept. 11, 2010 when his cousin Justin overdosed on heroin and slipped into a coma. We spent nearly a week with him in the hospital at his bedside, but Justin lost the battle on Sept 16, 2010. This absolutely crushed me. I took this loss really hard, but was never able to fully grieve because I felt like I had to be strong for his family. My life spiraled out of control and I slipped further into a deep depression. The drug use got worse and began to lose a lot of weight. My parents had no clue that I was struggling so hard, but my pastors knew everything. I was still meeting with them, but wasn’t getting anywhere because I couldn’t stop using. Every time I met with them I was too high to take anything away. Finally though in the summer of 2011, after numerous failed attempts of me trying to quit, my pastors couldn’t let me continue living this way. They began pushing me to seek professional help or rehab. Rehab was the “r” word to me and completely out of the question, so I usually got mad at the mention of it and turned them down. Eventually though I got to a place where I knew if I didn’t get help I’d potentially end up dead. So through a series of God ordained events, I was introduced to a place called Mercy Ministries. They told me it was a Christ centered rehab that was free of charge. Since I was broke and unwilling to tell my parents what I was doing, I decided to at least fill out the application. Shortly after beginning the application, I walked away for a few months because I wasn’t willing to give up the drugs just yet. I eventually returned to the application and filled it out high as a kite. I didn’t think I was going to get in anyway, so I continued to use throughout the entire application process until they told me that I had to stop using at least two weeks before I got there, otherwise I’d be sent to a detox that wasn’t paid for. I knew I couldn’t risk that, so I told God that if I quit using He’d have to help me. I kept drinking, but took my last hit of pot on Feb 15, 2012. The very next day I got the call that I was accepted into the program. It was totally a God thing.
I walked into the doors of Mercy on March 1, 2012, exactly two weeks after I took my last hit. I haven’t touched pot since. But I walked in extremely angry and reluctant. I knew I wanted help, but I was still under the impression that 6 months for a drug problem was outrageous. I wasn’t willing to admit it, but drugs were only part of the problem. I was 100lbs, very angry, and severely depressed. I was in denial of most my issues and became angry when anyone tried to approach me or tell me to do something. My first week there, while in a fit of anger, one of the staff members told me that I needed to trust her to help me. I could wait a month, or 6 months to do it, but until I began trusting someone I was going to go nowhere. I walked away so angry from that conversation, but those words have not left me since. Since being at Mercy, I have learned to trust people and that by trusting people I can ultimately learn how to trust God. I also learned a lot about submission and resistance, since I spent the first 3 months resisting the program. When I became frustrated that I wasn’t changing, it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t changing because I was still trying to do it on my own. It turns out that trying to do things on my own doesn’t allow God to do any work at all. I also learned a lot about how to control my anger and how to be angry without blowing it. (Thanks Lisa Bevere!). The biggest thing I am taking away from mercy is my ability to accept that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. Through experiencing the unconditional love of the staff at Mercy, I was able to witness that God also loves me. I had Godly people in my life before mercy showing me what unconditional love looks like, but I was never in a place to receive it because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Now, you couldn’t convince me that God doesn’t love me. It took me a while, but all of the knowledge I knew about who God is and what His love looks like eventually moved from my head to my heart.
Life after Mercy hasn't been the easiest thing in the world though. Sure I'm now drug free, but I'm also back in the "real World". I had to relearn how to be me once I got home, because the me I, and everyone else knew is gone. Most of the people I used to hang out with are no longer in my life. My best friend and I still hung out, but things took a nasty turn for the worse in our relationship when he made a mistake he wasn't able to take back. As a result, I had to let go of our friendship. Before walking out the doors, Mercy stressed that things weren't going to go the way we wanted them to. The good news is that Mercy didn't allow a single girl to graduate until they were able to cling on to the fact that even when things go wrong, God is still right there. Trusting that God will still be there to guide me has been the difference in continuing to walk in freedom after Mercy. I am confident that He will keep providing the things I need, and I am confident that He is there with me every step of the way. Life without God just isn't possible for me. Things haven't been all bad either since I've graduated from the program. I've been able to find a steady job, a car, and been blessed beyond words to live with my sister and her family until I'm able to find a place of my own. This has been the most exciting thing about being home actually. I love where I'm at. I'm learning so much, and as hard as it is to submit to my sister and her husbands rules, I'm grateful that they love me enough to keep me accountable. My life is never going to be the same after going through this amazing experience over the last year. God is a God of a million chances. I'm so grateful for that, because honestly, I didn't believe I was worth the chance I was given after what seemed like the millionth time of failing to quit using drugs and drop the lifestyle I knew was dragging me down.
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