We are the "red block"

You know that game sliding block game? The one where there are a bunch of blocks in a square and you have to move them around to get the single red block through the opening? That game reminds me of life. If you've ever played it, there are different difficulty levels, each obviously getting harder as you progress. If you've played you've probably also noticed that it seems like there is an unending amount of levels to go through. Pushing the red block through the opening only leads you to another box full of blocks. It never ends! Sometimes when I sit down to play it, I get SO frustrated, that I end up walking away for a few days. It appears I'm never going to get to the opening, but then out of nowhere I find a path that leads me to where I need to be. When I get through the opening I'm so excited...even with the knowledge that I'm entering another obstacle course. Getting through that hole after I thought I couldn't gives me the confidence boost I need to enter the next box with a burst of energy. The cycle continues to repeat itself. It doesn't stop. Just like life we have to keep on pushing through blocks to get to where we're going. It's easy sometimes, but other times it stops you flat on your feet and forces you to stop. We are called to keep on pushing, even when it seems like there are no more options. There is never going to be an opening where there aren't blocks on the other side. Having confidence you can get through the blocks is what makes the difference. The good news is that God has the ability to give us all that confidence if we chose to let him. All we have to do is let go of our pride and say "yes" to His help.

For me, it turns out saying "yes" isn't easy, but I'm slowly getting there. I didn't realize how prideful I have become until about a year ago when I accepted Christ into my heart. The barriers that have been put up because of my pride are preventing me from moving forward. It's taking more time than I thought it would to make a dent in the walls I built. It's like a trap sometimes because my pride is part of the reason those walls are built, but it's my pride that is getting in my way of breaking them down. Thank God we are not called to do this alone. Right now I'm relying on other people to help break my pride, but I need to be giving that to God. All people struggle with pride, so I suppose going to someone who doesn't makes more sense. It seems easier to go to people because they are available in the flesh. I know God is there, but I don't feel like I can go to Him. I'm trying to figure out how to get to a place where I can let go of this and give it to God. Prayers are totally welcome. :)

I'm a snail on the shore of a salty river

I have a commitment problem. Wow. What a way to start out a blog. So. Commitment. Committing to things for me is like a snail committing to cross a river of salt. I'm walking into the situations assuming the worst. It's not that I don't want to commit to things, it's that I'm scared to. Besides spiders, failure is my biggest fear. Because I've failed at so many other things I've committed to going, I've got it in my head that the next time I decide to commit to something it's not going to turn out well. This is the case when it comes to my commitment to follow Christ. I made a commitment to follow Him when I was baptised, and so far I believe I've failed. He has called me to be a different person, but the things He wants me to do in order to become that person seem impossible. I'm going to be completely honest here and say that I haven't really tried as much as I should because of my fear of the unknown. Letting go of fears means I would have to fully rely on God and no longer rely on myself, my pride, and other people. every step of this is so hard! I've struggled with being a failure my entire life, and part of me doesn't want to accept the mission. BUT...I know what God has called me to do, and it recently occurred to me that I don't want to let God down. I've been terrified of letting people down all my life, but I've never been concerned with letting God down. In the past I've taken leaps of faith and trusted God, but when I failed I only thought about what other people thought of me. I wasn't concerned with the fact that God had to be hurting, or the fact that I had never really trusted Him in the first place. I need to stop relying on people and start relying on God. I need to focus on what God is thinking and not sit around and wait for Him to do the work. I have to actually try though in order to trust God. I have to have faith and break down my pride. I think God would be more disappointed that I didn't listen to his clear calling, rather than not get the job done right the first time. I'm still scared to take the first step because I don't think I'm ready. But I suppose I need to seriously think about taking that step, because if I never do, then how am I supposed to change anything?

We must stop treating love like an emotion

What are feelings? For example, "guilt". What is guilt? It's definitely not tangible like love, which I would argue "love" is, but unlike love, it's a feeling and I wasn't born with guilt. I had to learn guilt, like I have to learn how to hate. If guilt wasn't wired into our system, then why is it so powerful? Things like guilt, anger, jealousy, and so on are all distractions to joy, patience, peace, kindness, etc. Then again, distraction or not, don't these emotions have potential to draw us closer to the love of Jesus and the emotions that come with that. I wonder, if we take "love" with us when we die, do we also take the feelings associated with "love"? On the other hand, if we don't take feelings with us when we die, but we take love, then our feelings here on Earth must serve a purpose, right? Also, if anger is the opposite of joy, then wouldn't hate be the opposite of love? Does that make "hate" more than a feeling? If God chooses "love" to enter heaven, then I would also assume those who "hate" end up elsewhere.

Hebrews 12:2  that says, "looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God", implying that joy is experienced after death. I would also have to assume it would be impossible to not feel emotions as the result of the overflow of love in Heaven. If one emotion is felt after death, then doesn't logic tell us that all emotions are capable of being felt? But if just "love" is experienced in Heaven, then aren't we are restricted to only feel the emotions that result from love which include things like joy? How do we fully experience anything if there are restrictions? This leads me to think there has to be a difference in the joy and anger we experience here on Earth compared to the joy we experience in Heaven. When Jesus is talking to his disciples in John 16, he is telling them of his future fate. In verse 22 he says, "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." Jesus himself implies there will be an abundance of joy experienced after death...a joy that no one can take away. If this joy cannot be taken like Jesus has said, then it also means grief and guilt and shame are also emotions we will never feel again! Isn't this evidence that there is a difference in the feelings we experience on Earth and in Heaven?

So what do we do with our emotions and feelings while we are here on Earth? What purpose do they have? We have an ultimate purpose, and that is to love. Emotions come fourth as a result of  things like love and hate like I mentioned before, so is there something more we should be doing with our emotions beside feel them? We can spread love, but can we spread emotions? It's interesting to me that people are so influenced by other peoples emotions, yet emotions are usually a result of things we personally experience. Why do we feed off of each others emotions so much? Are we all individually connected to the same Love (God), so as a result we all experience the same emotions differently? The properties of Love never change, but we all experience emotions on different levels and at different times. So again, is there a separate purpose to our emotions? I feel like too often we let our negative emotions influence our purpose to spread the love of Jesus, when in reality negative emotions don't have anything to do with the positive actions of Love because actions and feelings are two different things. We are here to act on the Love that was given to us. To me that means emotions shouldn't ultimately effect the outcome of Love in someones life. What if feelings were meant to produce another action? What if feelings were meant to produce perseverance? When we persevere through our emotions we experience joy. When we don't persevere, we experience sadness or other emotions. Love never changed through either path of perseverance, right? So if Love doesn't change, and emotions do, then love and emotions must be separate.

In my own life, I feel like it's going to be extremely important to keep reminding myself of the difference in emotions and love. I already know the difference, but in the heat of the moment I don't always make the best choices because my feelings get the best of me.I'm in the process of learning to trust God when it comes to my emotions, just like I'm learning how to trust Him when it comes to love. They are two separate things, and I need to fully learn how to treat them that way. Otherwise I'm going to continue this awful cycle of walking away from the church when I don't feel connected. Even Jesus was disconnected from God on the cross when He took our sin. Our sin is the reason we feel disconnected from God. But God proved that he loves us even after we sin when he rise Jesus from the grave! I pray that I can understand what it means to love God with everything I am.

tomAto, tomato: same thing, right?

I was thinking about the whole "tomato" pronunciation thing. There is this lady that comes into the Subway I work at, and when she asks for tomato's she says it with the "ah" sound instead of the "a" sound. (for the record, this is freaking awesome to hear and it was a lifelong dream to hear someone say tomato like that! love it.) What got me thinking was that I still knew what she was referring to. The tomato with the "ah" sound holds the exact same qualities as the tomato with the "a" sound, because they are the same thing. Why is it so easy then to make the connection in the difference of the pronunciation of tomato's, but we constantly fail to make the connection that Jesus is God. They are the exact same, just with a different pronunciation right?

God just has many pronunciations instead of only two. Father, friend, counselor, neighbor, savior, Lord, and king are just a few. ALL of them hold the exact same qualities as God. If this is the case, then shouldn't it be way easier to "reach for the right God" when we ask for Him by name? Why have we made is so difficult to recognize God in everyday situations? It's like we don't know what He looks like, so we end up grabbing something else. What if I would have grabbed green peppers when the lady asked for tom"ah"tos? I would have probably looked like a jackass, but I'd also look really stupid because it's pretty obvious what she asked for. In the same way, isn't it foolish to ask God for something and then take something else because you couldn't recognize that God is obviously in front of you? Had I grabbed the peppers, I'm sure I would have been corrected until I grabbed the right thing. In the same way, I feel like the body of Christ should correct those who "grab the wrong God" until they know for sure that what they have is the right thing. God is the same no matter what form He is in, just like tomato's are. Sometimes it just takes a little help to see Him.

I'm stuck in a storm

I've been pretty distant from my blog lately, because honestly I don't know what to write. I don't feel like I have anything important to say, or any "words of wisdom" to share. Life is funny like that. One minute you can't wait to shout from a mountain top the things you've been learning, and other times you want nothing more than to hide out from the world until the clouds pass over. Just like some people are effected by the changes in the weather, I'm being effected by the changing seasons in my own life. Learning how to deal with the different obstacle's life presents isn't easy to do. When you try and do it yourself, like I've been doing, it becomes a million times harder. Guilt is a trap. It feeds your mind bullshit and convinces you that you're on your own. It makes you feel like no one else could possibly understand exactly what you're going through because It tells you that "you are different". The truth of the matter is, is that God is bigger than all of that crap. If the truth is so easy to see, then why is it so hard to follow? I'm in a place where the lies seem more believable than the truth, and I don't know how to escape. I feel vulnerable and helpless. I wish God was here to have a conversation with so someone could know exactly how I feel. I'm frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to get through this on my own. I'm more frustrated that going to church doesn't seem to help. Why doesn't it feel like God is helping me? Trust? What am I doing wrong, and how do I make it right. When I first came to Jesus I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I'm right back in it. I don't think I'm strong enough to make the decisions I need to make on my own in order to get to a place where I can feel content. I know what needs to be done, but I'm lacking the confidence it's the right choice for me...or if it's really going to make a difference.

so that's that. word vomit is all I got.

New Life

My nephew was born on August 8th, 2011 at a healthy 7 pounds 9 ounces, and I couldn't be more excited. The entire process of waiting for him to arrive was awesome! It blows my mind that a tiny blob on a piece of photo paper turned into an absolutely beautiful baby boy. Getting to hold him for the first time was amazing. His cheeks are so dang soft and his nose is all tiny. He has the cutest little ears and a butt load of hair on his head. Everything is so tiny! Even his little eyelashes! Oh my are they cute! They are the tiniest little hairs I've ever seen on a human being. I love everything about him!! Sitting there with him sleeping in my arms, I got to thinking about how truly breathtaking like is. He is so fragile and dependant on literally everyone around him to live. This child has no idea how to do anything on his own except breathe. It's really amazing that every one of us are like that when we first enter the world. Our parents are our life line. Without someone to love us and care for us, we would be helpless.

In the same way, we should also be just as dependant on God. When I was holding the little guy, I got to wondering how Adam felt when he first entered the world. What was his first immediate reaction to the things around him? Did he cry out for someone to touch him? Was he completely lost and looking for some sort of guidance? I have to think he was instantly searching for something. Had God not made His presence known, where do you think we would be today? I just love the idea of God being a personal God. Can you imagine giving birth to a child you love so dearly and instead of embracing him immediately in hugs and kisses and showing him how to live, you sit back on the sidelines and say nothing? Studies have shown that in order for a child to survive once he's out of the womb, he MUST have physical contact with another human being. Isn't our relationship with God pretty dang similar? I love that God wants to do life with us, just as much as a new parent wants to do life with their child! He wants to be there every step of the way and watch his children grow. Parents want to rejoice with their children, and hold them when they cry. I cannot wait to see my brother become the best dang dad I've ever seen. My nephew is one lucky little man. It's going to be such an awesome experience to watch him grow up and become his own person. I pray that he grows up to be healthy, intelligent, and that he has a strong relationship with Jesus. I personally can't wait to watch him discover the world!

Love; my hero

"What is a hero?" That was a common question I heard growing up in school a lot. I always loved hearing that question, because it meant I got to write a paper about a hero in my life. I remember always writing about my favorite cartoon or comic book character. If I knew my parents would have a chance to read my work, I'd write about them. I never really put much thought into the question until I got older. When I was in elementary school, I only cared about the physical features of the people I considered to be a hero. They were always strong, and most always a man. Hey, someone had to kill the bad guys...right? Today, a hero is much more than a football star to me.

So who is the current hero in my life? I'd be lying if I said I had just one hero in my life. There are plenty of people in my life that fit the criteria of being a hero to me. My parents, my friends, and my pastors are just a few. Call me a hippie, but the real hero in my life is Love. Every one of the people that I consider to be a hero are the most living people I know. To me, if you can love then you can be someones hero. I don't think a hero has to save the world or solve every problem. I just think a hero has to love you enough to be there in your life. The best hero's in my life let me fail and show up when I need help bailing myself out of the mess I just created. They support me when it's obvious I have a really bad idea. The hero's in my life encourage me to do better and lift me up when I fall. My hero's are not afraid to tell me the truth, even if it hurts us both. They are generous, humble, funny, hard-working individuals. My hero's have faith in me and faith in other people. They also have a great faith in God. My hero's are trustworthy and patient and won't ever give up on me. They are helpful, and great at listening and communicating. The list could go on.

When I take a look at what a hero is to me, Love is in the center of it all. The reason the hero's in my life have all of those qualities I just listed, is because they also have Love in their lives. Christian or not, Love should always come first. Love is the reason we are alive, and Love gives us the motivation to keep on living. Without Love, nobody would have a hero, because nobody would care enough to be someones hero. Sometimes I think our childhood hero's let us down and we give up on the idea of a hero completely. This to me is why Love is my ultimate hero. Love doesn't let people down, it only helps them to become better. After all, isn't that what a hero is supposed to do?