1,814,400 seconds and counting

People say it takes 21 days to break a habit. That's 3 weeks. I have been thinking about that statement for a few days now, and I can't say I agree with it. Sure, I believe you can break a habit in 21 days...but I don't think it's a statement that can apply to every situation. (I'm about to get personal, which is something I don't do as often as I should in my blog. So bare with me, it may get sketchy.)

For me personally, today marks 21 days since I have quit smoking pot. I want to first and foremost thank God for this accomplishment. Without Him by my side I would have never made it this far. I also want to thank my friends for encouraging me and sticking by my side over these last few weeks. For the last 8 years of my life I have been addicted to pot, among other type of drugs. Over the years, I was able to knock the other drugs out of my life, but pot was a whole different story. I know some people will argue that you cannot be addicted to pot, but those people have obviously not smoked pot. I believe it can be very addictive. The dictionary defines addiction as "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming". For me, that definition describes the last 8 years of my life perfectly. That drug had me wrapped around it's fingers, and if we're being completely honest still does. Even though I haven't touched it in 21 days, I have wanted it every one of those days. I can't get my mind off of it. Like any other addiction it takes time. It's also going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately and realized a lot of things. It takes a lot of hard work to commit to anything. I have tried many times over the years to stop smoking, but every one of those times has been a failure. Honestly, I have a huge fear that I won't make it this time either. I've gone over 3 months before and fell back into the habit out of nowhere, so really 3 weeks in my head isn't that encouraging at all. But I feel like one of the key differences this time, is that I am confident God has my back.

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." When James wrote this book, he didn't say if you face trials, he said whenever you face trials. I think this is important to note because everyone faces trials of some kind in their life. Some more difficult than others, but to the person facing the trial, it's a big deal. James is telling us that ANY trial you face is a good thing because you are allowing your character to grow through perseverance. So as I tackle this trial of trying to stop a powerful addiction in my life, I know that God has a plan through the struggle. James did not say that it was going to be easy, or even that it is supposed to be. He is telling us it is necessary to face trials in your life, but you need to have confidence that God will be right there by your side struggling with you and taking on your addiction as well. Honestly, that's a really comforting thought to know that God is taking on my addiction. It makes me feel like I'm not alone even when it appears I am.

Another thing I got to thinking about is that 21 days is a lot of minutes to someone who so desperately wants something. That's 1,814,400 seconds. A lot of days I wake up and think that just one hit wouldn't be so bad. But I have to force myself to say no. If I took even one hit, I'd be throwing away everything I worked for over the last 3 weeks. That's a butt load of work I don't desire to start over. Not only that, I would be letting myself, my friends, and more importantly God down if I gave in. I don't want to be that person that can't complete something they started. I can't give in. One of my biggest fears as I struggle with this is that if I fail this time, I won't have the strength to try and quit again. Now HAS to be the time, and I am determined to stick it out. I know that God has a plan in my life, and that plan does not involve me smoking pot. It does not glorify Him in any way, shape, or form. So I must do this...for myself and for God.

Something else that I've been thinking about is that it only takes 1 second to fall back into a habit. 1 second out of the 1,814,400 seconds and counting. How crazy is that to think about? I've worked so freaking hard to get this far this time, and it would only take 1 second to blow it all. What would that be saying about my character? It would say that I am weak, and it would say that I lack confidence in God's ability to get me through anything. As a Christian, I don't ever want to feel like God can't help me out. Sometimes it's not easy to trust God, but that doesn't mean I don't. But if I were to give in, I would be showing God and the rest of the world that I lack that confidence I so strongly desire to never lose. 

Quiting has not been any easy thing for me. A lot of the people I am around still smoke, and let's be honest I want to join the fun. I sometimes feel like an outsider in my own group of friends because I'm not doing the same things they are doing. My friends respect my decision to quit, but that doesn't mean that I automatically get that connection back with them. Inside of me, I am still struggling to say "no" around them. Some days I choose to stay home because I know if I went out, I'd give in. Lately I've felt extremely lonely because I miss my old self. I know the person God is making me out to be is much better suited for Him, but that doesn't mean I don't miss what I once enjoyed everyday for the last 8 years of my life. That's almost half of my life. A lot of my identity has been formed inside the realms of this drug. From the opinions I have, to the friends I've formed, I feel like a part of me is missing. The bible calls this battling your flesh. And I tell you what, it's like world war 3 inside of myself lately. It's only by the grace of God that I am staying as strong as I am. Like I said above, everyday is a new struggle to say "no". But, everyday it is getting easier to rely on God to get me through. Notice I didn't say it's been getting easier to say no, it's just been easier to rely on God. I do expect that in time, the temptation will die down and I will no longer crave it, but I know that I will never be able to completely rid myself of the habit that still lives in my flesh. 

Going through this struggle has made my relationship with God stronger than ever. I am being forced to rely on Him to get me through everyday. Because I fear that I will fail, I have stayed home and isolated myself from the world many days. I know this isn't the healthiest thing to do, but I feel like in some ways, it's completely necessary for me. But as I spend my days at home, I have been immersing myself in the Word and having plenty of time to sit with God. This time spent with God is allowing me to become more aware of Him in situations where I'm not at home, but with my friends. I have been learning to "hear" His voice speak to me, and learning to rely on Him more. This has been a beautiful thing honestly. I've been loving this extra time I'm having with God. Not only that, I've been allowing God to use me as a witness to my friends and family. Saying "no" is not easy, but other people around me have started to notice a change in me and have seen that I'm am more in tune with God. This encourages me so much because other people are able to see how strong and powerful God really is. In the past when I tried to quit, I tried doing it on my own and failed every time. But my friends and family have seen the difference this time now that I have God walking with me. Yes, it's only been 3 weeks and I've gone longer than that without God walking with me...BUT all those other times have not been this smooth, and they see that. Not only that, I'm not holding back the gospel like I have in the past. Before when people asked why I was quiting, I made up some excuse like I was trying to get a job or something. This time, I don't hesitate to tell anyone that I am doing this because I know it's what God wants me to be doing. HUGE difference, and like I said, people have noticed that. I am thankful that God is using me right now. And as James said, this trial should be a joy. Looking at it, as hard as it is to stop smoking, the joy I am receiving in Christ by sticking with it far outweighs ANY joy I ever felt while being high. So thank God for trials! Thank God!