God places all kinds of people into each of our lives to use as vessels. Some are there to guide us, some to be mentors, and some to simply just do life with. All of these people have different roles, and all of them are there for a reason. Over the past few months I've been learning about the different roles people play in my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize the different roles people play in my life so I don't get frustrated at the people that mean the most to me. It's not fair to expect the same people to be there for me all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to step outside of my comfort zone and allow other people in. Sure, it takes a lot of humility, but that's all apart of trusting God. That's why God has placed so many people in all of our lives. I'm thankful for all the people He has placed in my live to even things out.
An example out of my own life was from a few months ago. I was going through a rough patch and had a friend that was trying to support me. But she could only do so much. She had other things to do, and other people to pour into other than me. But I got so caught up in what I was going through that I lost sight of that. I put a whole lot of pressure on her to be there for me when I needed it, and not when she got around to it. Because of that, a lot of tension formed between us. When I saw her, I was frustrated at her for no reason, even if I was feeling ok. I started treating her poorly. And she started to distance herself from me. Because I didn't notice that I was being so aggressive about things, I also didn't notice that things really got messy. But out of nowhere God reminded me that this person was not a counselor, and not responsible to "fix me". She played a totally different role in my life. He reminded me that there were people in my life to counsel me and help me though things, but I had looked past them. Once I was able to refocus on things, I was able to humble myself and go to my friend and apologize. It took a minute, but our friendship eventually got back to normal.
Some people are there to be friends and just do life with. There are people there to mentor you, some to keep you accountable, while others are there for a short time. The key is finding out who plays what role in your life, and letting that person play the role. People can only do so much. God know's what he's doing.
The other thing I've learned in that I personally need to know my role. I can't be there for everyone the way they need me. I have to know when to limit myself so I don't get overwhelmed. The same pressure that I've put on other people has also been put on me. It's in my nature to want to be there for everyone, but I just can't be. God uses me as a vessel as much as I use others as a vessel. Learning what role I play in the lives of people around me is important to maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love. God is the only one that can play every role, and sometimes that's forgotten. Sometimes we look to the wrong person for help, when the one who can heal us has been there all along.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bringing Light into the Darkness
In the Bible, 1 John talks about Jesus being the light of the world. It says that when we honor Jesus and love Him, we are living in the light. When we don't, we are living in darkness. People who claim to live in a "dark" world, are people who are living without accepting Jesus. God is the light of the world, so the world cannot be without light, only people can. I think it's interesting to think that darkness can often be transparent. There is always potential for light to be present in the dark. People who know God can sometimes experience darkness, but they are never far from the light. I believe that those who don't know Jesus at all still have light in them, they just aren't aware of it. The ability to experience love is the ability to experience light, even in the midst of darkness. The ability to love is a gift from God, even if people aren't aware of it. So when love is being displayed, so is the light of Jesus.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
To me, this is encouraging because it means that those who don't know Jesus have the potential to meet him face to face. Christians sometimes focus on getting non-Christians to get to know Jesus by preaching to them or shoving the bible in their face. As someone who used to despise Christians. this method always irritated me. It was a turn off to constantly have religion shoved in my face. Broken people don't need religion, they need love. People who don't understand what Christ did for them, aren't going to understand the bible, which means they are going to remain living in darkness. By simple acts of kindness we are able to reach the broken. I came to know Jesus in this way. There were people in my life determined to love on me when I didn't think I deserved it. They were there for me when no one else was and they never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I kept wondering why they were so nice to me and why they cared so much about me. But something about the way they treated me got me questioning things. In little ways, they showed me Jesus without mentioning his name. They brought light into my dark little world. They allowed me to experience Jesus. By simple acts of kindness, they were able to bring light into the darkness. This is the kind of Christian I aspire to be. I want to be able to love God so much that his love overflows into the people around me. I want to bring light into the darkness the way other people brought the light of Jesus to me.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Learning to Cope
The hard stuff we face early in life is necessary for later on in life. The high school experience is the perfect example. For a lot of kids, it's an awkward stage in life where you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do in the future. Kids are harsh and hormones become overwhelming. Learning how to deal with your emotions is extremely difficult. But eventually this awkward stage passes and you learn how to deal with life around you and move forward. But for some kids, this never happens. Due to other factors, some kids drown out life and find unhealthy ways to cope, and therefore miss out on the necessary skills to deal with life properly. In high school, I became one of those kids, and drugs became that factor that hindered my ability to cope with life. Drugs destroyed my sense of being. When life got hard, I never dealt with it. Instead I drowned out all of life's struggles with massive drug use. I stopped living, and started existing. I just walked through my high school experience in a daze. When things got emotional, instead of allowing my body to work though them and learn how to process what I was feeling, I used drugs. Learning how to make new friends consisted of me seeking out other people using drugs. We connected on our similar interests, but never connected on a deeper level. I couldn't have fun unless I was high, so when I went out and was low on drugs, my experience wasn't very fun. I became bored very quickly when I wasn't high. Drugs made my life feel complete. They gave me a false sense of confidence and a false sense of being.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
The problem with all of this, is that I never learned how to become an adult. After I stopped using drugs a little over a year ago, I started to realize that emotionally, I'm sort of stuck. Life gets difficult and I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. My first instinct is to find other means to cope with things other than experiencing my emotions. Drugs are no longer an option, so I find myself responding in anger or fear. Drugs destroyed my ability to learn how to push through life and keep moving forward. I end up retreating and becoming depressed about stupid things. I get very frustrated at people who are trying to help me, and fight them every step of the way. Instead of already knowing all of the skills that I need, I'm still in the process of learning them. I'm sure there are people out there that can use drugs in high school and walk away fine, but for me, drugs ruined my ability to respond normally to situations in life that pop up. I have to learn now, what I should have learned years ago.
Not only is my ability to respond normally to emotional issues messed up, I've also not learned who I am. I thought I was creative in high school, my the creative side of me just isn't there anymore. I thought that I was a deep thinker, but now I feel like that part of me is missing too. I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, where the people my age have already graduated college and started living their lives. Some even have families already. I don't feel equipped to handle my finances, and I doubt that I'd be able to live functionally on my own. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life. Learning to live off of drugs is really hard. I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, so I know that this too will pass. But the process is difficult. I feel like I live in a completely different world than I lived in years ago. Part of that is learning to be independent, and part of that is because I never really started living until about a year ago. Slowly I've started to learn who I am in Christ, and so far have learned that I am nothing without Him. Who I wanted to be started to destroy who he made to me be. I'm learning that God wants me to love him and follow him and do his will. This life is not mine to waste. In high school, I was living for me and my wants. Now, I'm learning to live for Him and what he wants. God has a plan for my life. I'm ready to move forward and learn what I need to learn in order to start living out that plan. In a way, I've been living out that plan my whole life. It wasn't God's will for me to use drugs for so long, but since he is God, he is able to use the path I took and use it for good. God, and God alone is able to use my story to touch other people and some may not be able to touch. My past experiences have potential to change others, but first I have to allow God to change me! I'm thankful for second chances. I pray that God will use my life to be a blessing to others.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Turn the Page
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2 These two verses might be one of the most powerful verses in the Bible that I've ever read. The amount of truth they hold is insane! I, Sarah Giese, am not condemned for being a sinner because I have the Spirit of God living in me! The only problem with this is sometimes I forget to turn the page. I get stuck living in a Romans 7 mentality that I am a slave to the laws of sin and death. I get to thinking because I mess up that I can't be saved by God. But I've already been saved! Christ has already paid in full the debt that I should be held accountable for. What better news is there to hear when I feel like I can't be forgiven?!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
So often I get stuck in this battle. I know who I am in Christ, and where I stand...but there are those moments when I forget who I am. I believe that I'm not good enough, or that I'm going to fail. I think that there's no going back to Christ once I've fallen. I believe that a whole lot of Christians struggle with this Romans 7 mindset as well. There is a lot of truth in Romans 7. If I live like there is no Romans 8, then I would be condemning myself to death. God HAS set me free, but I have a part to play in that as well. I have to take hold of the truth I know and move forward when life is trying to pull me backwards. God IS able, but I have to be willing. That means letting go of my pride. It means admitting that I'm in the wrong, and admitting that I can't fix everything on my own. It means allowing other people to help me out and allowing other people to hold me accountable for my actions. And it means realizing that I am going to mess up..over and over and over again. I have to learn to accept that I'm not perfect, and I'm going to let myself, and others down. I have to own up to my mistakes and not act like they aren't hurting people. And most importantly, I have to allow God to take control. People can help me, but God is the only one that can save me. I have to learn to just turn the page. I was not meant to live stuck in Romans 7. God is calling me to turn the page on my problems and let Him take control!
Friday, March 1, 2013
My Testimony
A year ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries in St. Louis, IL. If you've never heard of it, Mercy is free program for girls of all ages that struggle with life controlling issues. I thought since it's been a year since I started this journey, that I'd share the testimony I wrote for graduation. I've been home about 6 months now. Before you dive in, I'd like to thank every person that supported my leaving for 6 months, and thank the people who have stood by my side over the years.
I was born Nov. 13, 1989 in the town of Normal, IL. Growing up was a challenge for me. I have two loving parents, but I never thought they were able to provide the love I felt like I needed. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and made it my mission to cling to him as much as possible. But my dad has always struggled with anger for as long as I can remember. He’s extremely funny and sarcastic, but most times you had to catch him in a good mood to experience that. He worked a lot and was usually stressed out from that. My mom is the opposite. She has always given us kids more love than we knew what to do with. She is still that person today. My dad is also much happier today, but back then because I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted from my dad I began detaching myself emotionally from my mom which I think threw her off a bit. To add onto that I started to notice that my parents were fighting a lot. I love my parents very much, but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them about some things. So around the age of 6 when my sister and I were sexually abused, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my sister spoke up, and even though I didn’t admit to anything we were sent to counseling. That plan backfired when the counselor we were seeing for abuse also abused us. About that same time my neighbor also abused me. Around this time at about the age of 7, my parents got a divorce. Once that happened my mom moved out and eventually started living with an old HS friend, who is now my step dad. Steve is a great guy and connected with him with our similar interests in music, sports, and video games. Due to my dad working all day, we stayed with my mom and Steve a lot. I kind of distanced myself from my relationship with my mom and Steve, mostly because I wanted to be around my dad all the time. I spent a lot of weekends with my dad. I loved going over to his house, but I always left feeling pretty empty. Unconditional love wasn’t a term I knew back then, but I thought from the way I was seeing things, that love wasn’t supposed to look like that. My parents do love me unconditionally, but I just wasn’t able to see that at that age.
I began to feel lonely and depressed. Around junior high, I started to become extremely active in my church and spent as much time as I possibly could there. My favorite thing to do there was debate with the youth leaders and kids on my views of God. I fell in love with studying the bible to understand it more in order to try and win arguments. But going to church didn’t solve my depression. It just gave me an excuse to not be at home. By this time I had begun cutting myself. The cutting only lasted a short while, but I was ready to give up on life. I wrote a new suicide note every night for at least 2 months and spent countless nights on the internet looking up ways to kill myself. I could never find the courage to go through with it, so I got into self-destructive behaviors. Near the beginning of my freshmen year I got suspended 15 days for selling alcohol to the students. By the end of that year I was drinking off and on and smoking pot daily. I was still attending church all this time, but now I was high while going. By the time my junior year rolled around I was dealing Adderall, Xanax, and pot, using both pot and Xanax, drinking, and even experimented with morphine. Pot was always my drug of choice and I was high literally 24/7. I smoked before school, and popped Xanax during school to keep me high until I got home to smoke more. Since I was dealing, I was able to keep a steady supply enough to allow me to never come down. I was using to eat, sleep, and basically function. Throughout school, my teachers knew I was using, but nobody ever turned me in. During one of my philosophy classes my junior year, my teacher posed the question, “if the big bang theory is correct, then what put those two into motion?” my need to understand everything drove me to study the question and I concluded that God had to have created me and the rest of the world. But even with this new found knowledge, I chose drugs over Jesus.
When I was 18 I met a guy and we instantly fell in love. He also used drugs, so I found myself using even more if that possible. I moved in with him when I was 19. While living with him, my life became consumed with him and drugs. We were dealing and using all day. I was eventually introduced to opium and fell in love with the feeling. Opium wasn’t used very often, but we did spend all of our time figuring out how to keep a steady supply of pot in the house. We spent anywhere from $20-$120 a day on drugs and pawned whatever we could if we were short on cash. At one point we realized some of the opium we were smoking was actually black tar heroin. I went through periods where the drug life became too much for me because I was still extremely active in the church, even if I was high. I’d go through random weeks of choosing God over drugs, and then go right back into using again. During the summer of 2010, I was baptized and thought I was done with drugs for good. But the sobriety only lasted a short while because I wasn’t allowing God into my life. I thought I could handle hanging with the same crowd and still found myself with the guy I had been with. Even though we were no longer dating, we remained best friends and inseparable. I continued to go to his house every day and hang out with our friends and his family. Over time, his family became like my family. But tragedy struck on Sept. 11, 2010 when his cousin Justin overdosed on heroin and slipped into a coma. We spent nearly a week with him in the hospital at his bedside, but Justin lost the battle on Sept 16, 2010. This absolutely crushed me. I took this loss really hard, but was never able to fully grieve because I felt like I had to be strong for his family. My life spiraled out of control and I slipped further into a deep depression. The drug use got worse and began to lose a lot of weight. My parents had no clue that I was struggling so hard, but my pastors knew everything. I was still meeting with them, but wasn’t getting anywhere because I couldn’t stop using. Every time I met with them I was too high to take anything away. Finally though in the summer of 2011, after numerous failed attempts of me trying to quit, my pastors couldn’t let me continue living this way. They began pushing me to seek professional help or rehab. Rehab was the “r” word to me and completely out of the question, so I usually got mad at the mention of it and turned them down. Eventually though I got to a place where I knew if I didn’t get help I’d potentially end up dead. So through a series of God ordained events, I was introduced to a place called Mercy Ministries. They told me it was a Christ centered rehab that was free of charge. Since I was broke and unwilling to tell my parents what I was doing, I decided to at least fill out the application. Shortly after beginning the application, I walked away for a few months because I wasn’t willing to give up the drugs just yet. I eventually returned to the application and filled it out high as a kite. I didn’t think I was going to get in anyway, so I continued to use throughout the entire application process until they told me that I had to stop using at least two weeks before I got there, otherwise I’d be sent to a detox that wasn’t paid for. I knew I couldn’t risk that, so I told God that if I quit using He’d have to help me. I kept drinking, but took my last hit of pot on Feb 15, 2012. The very next day I got the call that I was accepted into the program. It was totally a God thing.
I walked into the doors of Mercy on March 1, 2012, exactly two weeks after I took my last hit. I haven’t touched pot since. But I walked in extremely angry and reluctant. I knew I wanted help, but I was still under the impression that 6 months for a drug problem was outrageous. I wasn’t willing to admit it, but drugs were only part of the problem. I was 100lbs, very angry, and severely depressed. I was in denial of most my issues and became angry when anyone tried to approach me or tell me to do something. My first week there, while in a fit of anger, one of the staff members told me that I needed to trust her to help me. I could wait a month, or 6 months to do it, but until I began trusting someone I was going to go nowhere. I walked away so angry from that conversation, but those words have not left me since. Since being at Mercy, I have learned to trust people and that by trusting people I can ultimately learn how to trust God. I also learned a lot about submission and resistance, since I spent the first 3 months resisting the program. When I became frustrated that I wasn’t changing, it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t changing because I was still trying to do it on my own. It turns out that trying to do things on my own doesn’t allow God to do any work at all. I also learned a lot about how to control my anger and how to be angry without blowing it. (Thanks Lisa Bevere!). The biggest thing I am taking away from mercy is my ability to accept that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. Through experiencing the unconditional love of the staff at Mercy, I was able to witness that God also loves me. I had Godly people in my life before mercy showing me what unconditional love looks like, but I was never in a place to receive it because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Now, you couldn’t convince me that God doesn’t love me. It took me a while, but all of the knowledge I knew about who God is and what His love looks like eventually moved from my head to my heart.
Life after Mercy hasn't been the easiest thing in the world though. Sure I'm now drug free, but I'm also back in the "real World". I had to relearn how to be me once I got home, because the me I, and everyone else knew is gone. Most of the people I used to hang out with are no longer in my life. My best friend and I still hung out, but things took a nasty turn for the worse in our relationship when he made a mistake he wasn't able to take back. As a result, I had to let go of our friendship. Before walking out the doors, Mercy stressed that things weren't going to go the way we wanted them to. The good news is that Mercy didn't allow a single girl to graduate until they were able to cling on to the fact that even when things go wrong, God is still right there. Trusting that God will still be there to guide me has been the difference in continuing to walk in freedom after Mercy. I am confident that He will keep providing the things I need, and I am confident that He is there with me every step of the way. Life without God just isn't possible for me. Things haven't been all bad either since I've graduated from the program. I've been able to find a steady job, a car, and been blessed beyond words to live with my sister and her family until I'm able to find a place of my own. This has been the most exciting thing about being home actually. I love where I'm at. I'm learning so much, and as hard as it is to submit to my sister and her husbands rules, I'm grateful that they love me enough to keep me accountable. My life is never going to be the same after going through this amazing experience over the last year. God is a God of a million chances. I'm so grateful for that, because honestly, I didn't believe I was worth the chance I was given after what seemed like the millionth time of failing to quit using drugs and drop the lifestyle I knew was dragging me down.
I was born Nov. 13, 1989 in the town of Normal, IL. Growing up was a challenge for me. I have two loving parents, but I never thought they were able to provide the love I felt like I needed. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and made it my mission to cling to him as much as possible. But my dad has always struggled with anger for as long as I can remember. He’s extremely funny and sarcastic, but most times you had to catch him in a good mood to experience that. He worked a lot and was usually stressed out from that. My mom is the opposite. She has always given us kids more love than we knew what to do with. She is still that person today. My dad is also much happier today, but back then because I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted from my dad I began detaching myself emotionally from my mom which I think threw her off a bit. To add onto that I started to notice that my parents were fighting a lot. I love my parents very much, but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them about some things. So around the age of 6 when my sister and I were sexually abused, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my sister spoke up, and even though I didn’t admit to anything we were sent to counseling. That plan backfired when the counselor we were seeing for abuse also abused us. About that same time my neighbor also abused me. Around this time at about the age of 7, my parents got a divorce. Once that happened my mom moved out and eventually started living with an old HS friend, who is now my step dad. Steve is a great guy and connected with him with our similar interests in music, sports, and video games. Due to my dad working all day, we stayed with my mom and Steve a lot. I kind of distanced myself from my relationship with my mom and Steve, mostly because I wanted to be around my dad all the time. I spent a lot of weekends with my dad. I loved going over to his house, but I always left feeling pretty empty. Unconditional love wasn’t a term I knew back then, but I thought from the way I was seeing things, that love wasn’t supposed to look like that. My parents do love me unconditionally, but I just wasn’t able to see that at that age.
I began to feel lonely and depressed. Around junior high, I started to become extremely active in my church and spent as much time as I possibly could there. My favorite thing to do there was debate with the youth leaders and kids on my views of God. I fell in love with studying the bible to understand it more in order to try and win arguments. But going to church didn’t solve my depression. It just gave me an excuse to not be at home. By this time I had begun cutting myself. The cutting only lasted a short while, but I was ready to give up on life. I wrote a new suicide note every night for at least 2 months and spent countless nights on the internet looking up ways to kill myself. I could never find the courage to go through with it, so I got into self-destructive behaviors. Near the beginning of my freshmen year I got suspended 15 days for selling alcohol to the students. By the end of that year I was drinking off and on and smoking pot daily. I was still attending church all this time, but now I was high while going. By the time my junior year rolled around I was dealing Adderall, Xanax, and pot, using both pot and Xanax, drinking, and even experimented with morphine. Pot was always my drug of choice and I was high literally 24/7. I smoked before school, and popped Xanax during school to keep me high until I got home to smoke more. Since I was dealing, I was able to keep a steady supply enough to allow me to never come down. I was using to eat, sleep, and basically function. Throughout school, my teachers knew I was using, but nobody ever turned me in. During one of my philosophy classes my junior year, my teacher posed the question, “if the big bang theory is correct, then what put those two into motion?” my need to understand everything drove me to study the question and I concluded that God had to have created me and the rest of the world. But even with this new found knowledge, I chose drugs over Jesus.
When I was 18 I met a guy and we instantly fell in love. He also used drugs, so I found myself using even more if that possible. I moved in with him when I was 19. While living with him, my life became consumed with him and drugs. We were dealing and using all day. I was eventually introduced to opium and fell in love with the feeling. Opium wasn’t used very often, but we did spend all of our time figuring out how to keep a steady supply of pot in the house. We spent anywhere from $20-$120 a day on drugs and pawned whatever we could if we were short on cash. At one point we realized some of the opium we were smoking was actually black tar heroin. I went through periods where the drug life became too much for me because I was still extremely active in the church, even if I was high. I’d go through random weeks of choosing God over drugs, and then go right back into using again. During the summer of 2010, I was baptized and thought I was done with drugs for good. But the sobriety only lasted a short while because I wasn’t allowing God into my life. I thought I could handle hanging with the same crowd and still found myself with the guy I had been with. Even though we were no longer dating, we remained best friends and inseparable. I continued to go to his house every day and hang out with our friends and his family. Over time, his family became like my family. But tragedy struck on Sept. 11, 2010 when his cousin Justin overdosed on heroin and slipped into a coma. We spent nearly a week with him in the hospital at his bedside, but Justin lost the battle on Sept 16, 2010. This absolutely crushed me. I took this loss really hard, but was never able to fully grieve because I felt like I had to be strong for his family. My life spiraled out of control and I slipped further into a deep depression. The drug use got worse and began to lose a lot of weight. My parents had no clue that I was struggling so hard, but my pastors knew everything. I was still meeting with them, but wasn’t getting anywhere because I couldn’t stop using. Every time I met with them I was too high to take anything away. Finally though in the summer of 2011, after numerous failed attempts of me trying to quit, my pastors couldn’t let me continue living this way. They began pushing me to seek professional help or rehab. Rehab was the “r” word to me and completely out of the question, so I usually got mad at the mention of it and turned them down. Eventually though I got to a place where I knew if I didn’t get help I’d potentially end up dead. So through a series of God ordained events, I was introduced to a place called Mercy Ministries. They told me it was a Christ centered rehab that was free of charge. Since I was broke and unwilling to tell my parents what I was doing, I decided to at least fill out the application. Shortly after beginning the application, I walked away for a few months because I wasn’t willing to give up the drugs just yet. I eventually returned to the application and filled it out high as a kite. I didn’t think I was going to get in anyway, so I continued to use throughout the entire application process until they told me that I had to stop using at least two weeks before I got there, otherwise I’d be sent to a detox that wasn’t paid for. I knew I couldn’t risk that, so I told God that if I quit using He’d have to help me. I kept drinking, but took my last hit of pot on Feb 15, 2012. The very next day I got the call that I was accepted into the program. It was totally a God thing.
I walked into the doors of Mercy on March 1, 2012, exactly two weeks after I took my last hit. I haven’t touched pot since. But I walked in extremely angry and reluctant. I knew I wanted help, but I was still under the impression that 6 months for a drug problem was outrageous. I wasn’t willing to admit it, but drugs were only part of the problem. I was 100lbs, very angry, and severely depressed. I was in denial of most my issues and became angry when anyone tried to approach me or tell me to do something. My first week there, while in a fit of anger, one of the staff members told me that I needed to trust her to help me. I could wait a month, or 6 months to do it, but until I began trusting someone I was going to go nowhere. I walked away so angry from that conversation, but those words have not left me since. Since being at Mercy, I have learned to trust people and that by trusting people I can ultimately learn how to trust God. I also learned a lot about submission and resistance, since I spent the first 3 months resisting the program. When I became frustrated that I wasn’t changing, it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t changing because I was still trying to do it on my own. It turns out that trying to do things on my own doesn’t allow God to do any work at all. I also learned a lot about how to control my anger and how to be angry without blowing it. (Thanks Lisa Bevere!). The biggest thing I am taking away from mercy is my ability to accept that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. Through experiencing the unconditional love of the staff at Mercy, I was able to witness that God also loves me. I had Godly people in my life before mercy showing me what unconditional love looks like, but I was never in a place to receive it because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Now, you couldn’t convince me that God doesn’t love me. It took me a while, but all of the knowledge I knew about who God is and what His love looks like eventually moved from my head to my heart.
Life after Mercy hasn't been the easiest thing in the world though. Sure I'm now drug free, but I'm also back in the "real World". I had to relearn how to be me once I got home, because the me I, and everyone else knew is gone. Most of the people I used to hang out with are no longer in my life. My best friend and I still hung out, but things took a nasty turn for the worse in our relationship when he made a mistake he wasn't able to take back. As a result, I had to let go of our friendship. Before walking out the doors, Mercy stressed that things weren't going to go the way we wanted them to. The good news is that Mercy didn't allow a single girl to graduate until they were able to cling on to the fact that even when things go wrong, God is still right there. Trusting that God will still be there to guide me has been the difference in continuing to walk in freedom after Mercy. I am confident that He will keep providing the things I need, and I am confident that He is there with me every step of the way. Life without God just isn't possible for me. Things haven't been all bad either since I've graduated from the program. I've been able to find a steady job, a car, and been blessed beyond words to live with my sister and her family until I'm able to find a place of my own. This has been the most exciting thing about being home actually. I love where I'm at. I'm learning so much, and as hard as it is to submit to my sister and her husbands rules, I'm grateful that they love me enough to keep me accountable. My life is never going to be the same after going through this amazing experience over the last year. God is a God of a million chances. I'm so grateful for that, because honestly, I didn't believe I was worth the chance I was given after what seemed like the millionth time of failing to quit using drugs and drop the lifestyle I knew was dragging me down.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Transformation
It's been said that once you're an addict, you're always an addict. Personally, I think that's ridiculous. I know this because I can say that I used to be an addict, and no longer am. I recently spent 6 months in a home for girls to deal with my drug addiction, among other things. There I learned that I was not only addicted to drugs, I was addicted to a cray life style. I also learned that you don't always have to be an addict, or always "recovering". It's a lie that a whole lot of people buy into, because treatment programs all over the world drill it into their heads. But not all treatment centers allow God into the program. Mercy Ministries does. They base their entire program on biblical principles, and I'll tell you what...it's incredible. They have this saying there, that God isn't in the treatment business, he's in the transformation business. The first time I heard that, I honestly thought it was cheesy. But after a few months, I have found this to be true. God says that we are not destined to live in bondage all our lives, and living under the belief that you are always an addict is living a life of bondage. Sure, some drugs and other things will always be tempting, but temptation doesn't mean that you have to give in. Jesus was tempted all his life, and never once gave in. I believe that with the help of God, people can overcome anything. This includes addiction. Like a lot of people, I have an addictive personality, but with the help of Jesus and people that hold me accountable, I am able to walk in freedom daily. I'm thankful that Jesus loves me enough to set me free from the things I thought would always hold me back. And I'm thankful He gives everyone the chance to experience the same freedom I have experienced!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Submission: The Pride Killer
I think it's interesting how often humans fight the concept of parenting. Parents can be obnoxious people, especially to the person who is trying to do life on their own. Humans have a natural instinct to want to do things by themselves and learn the hard way. Parents have a natural instinct to want to be there every step of the way and help the child out. So I guess it would be natural that there would be a conflict. I've been thinking a lot about that conflict lately.
Growing up, I had two very different parenting styles to deal with because my parents were divorced. I had the helicopter mom, and the father who let us learn things the hard way. Experiencing both was interesting. There wasn't a lot of constant guidance to follow. Things were very inconsistent. As a result, I grew up kind of resenting the idea of authority. Anyone who told me what to do, or how to it usually got a mouth full. I won't lie, telling me to do something even to this day still provokes the occasional bad attitude. Definitely a learning process. But back to the point. Authority is something that I believe a lot of people struggle with. But it's not just the struggle of too much authority...it's also the lack of it. A lot of times growing up I was jealous of the kids who had authority figures telling them what to do all the time. I believe that it's natural to want to have a leader in your life. When there is a lack of a constant leader in someones life, a lack of respect occurs as a result. So now, as an adult, I don't respect authority like I should. Ironically, even though I get upset by people trying to tell me what to do, I also welcome the idea of it. But what I find so interesting about all of this is that human authority has a natural flaw because humans themselves are flawed. No one persons authority will be better than anyone elses. God's authority on the other hand is flawless. Yet, I see a huge correlation in the way we respond to god's authority in our lives as we do with human authority figures. We long for Him to guide us, and then get pissed off when He tries. There's a natural want for Him to lead us, and a natural human desire to do it our own way.
Learning about submission I think is the best remedy to allowing God, and people to lead you. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning about submission. It's hands down one of the hardest lessons I think I've ever had to learn. I'm definitely still learning, but the beginning was awful. I was a hot mess. You could have told me to go left and I would have gone right just because I wanted to irritate you. I fought everything. Slowly but surely though, I learned to trust the people around me. They had great Godly intentions and the things they were teaching me were biblically sound. By learning to trust them, I ultimately learned to trust God. I even got to see the flaw in their teaching. I say this as a good thing, because it further proves that God's authority is the only one that is flawless. People may fail you, but God doesn't. The biggest thing I learned was that by trying to do everything my own way pushes God out of the picture. It leaves no room for Him to do any work in my life. I used to get SO angry that God wasn't doing anything and was convinced that He wasn't even trying. But I was so busy trying to do everything the way I thought it needed to be done, I wasn't even looking for God. Like a good parent, God let me do things my own way and fail...but unlike a parent that doesn't care, He eventually stepped in to show me that I was doing things wrong and showed me the correct way. Failure isn't a bad thing, and God allows us to fail all the time. But He will step in when we ask for His help. I'm a pretty prideful person, so asking for help isn't really in my nature. I usually only ask when I feel like I want to murder someone. The good news is that God is right there, ready to tell me how to do it. Submission kills pride. And it hurts. Learning to submit isn't easy, and usually painful. But learning submission has also allowed me to experience freedom. It's allowed me to learn to ask questions when I need help instead of getting so worked up I quit. I'm still learning to submit to human authority. I even fight God's authority too, but I'm definitely getting better. Right now I'm in place where I have to humble myself daily and submit to authority. It tests me to the limit sometimes. I fight it until I'm blue in the face, but eventually I get to a place where I know what they are saying is correct. A lot of the time I actually knew it all along, but my natural desire to do it my way sometimes outweighs submitting right away.
I don't think any of us are ever going to be in a place in life where we are beyond the point of needing to submit to authority. In a parent child relationship, in the work force, even out in every day life, we all have to listen to The Man. But past that, we are all also accountable to listening to what God has to say about things. As a Christian, it's my job to listen to what God says, but it's also my job to humble myself and listen to what those in charge of me have to say. I think in some ways, submission makes life easier. It takes the pressure off of the need to always be right. It allows room for failure, and it allows room for correction. Submission is a life long lesson, but I think it may be one of the most valuable lesson any one person will ever learn.
Growing up, I had two very different parenting styles to deal with because my parents were divorced. I had the helicopter mom, and the father who let us learn things the hard way. Experiencing both was interesting. There wasn't a lot of constant guidance to follow. Things were very inconsistent. As a result, I grew up kind of resenting the idea of authority. Anyone who told me what to do, or how to it usually got a mouth full. I won't lie, telling me to do something even to this day still provokes the occasional bad attitude. Definitely a learning process. But back to the point. Authority is something that I believe a lot of people struggle with. But it's not just the struggle of too much authority...it's also the lack of it. A lot of times growing up I was jealous of the kids who had authority figures telling them what to do all the time. I believe that it's natural to want to have a leader in your life. When there is a lack of a constant leader in someones life, a lack of respect occurs as a result. So now, as an adult, I don't respect authority like I should. Ironically, even though I get upset by people trying to tell me what to do, I also welcome the idea of it. But what I find so interesting about all of this is that human authority has a natural flaw because humans themselves are flawed. No one persons authority will be better than anyone elses. God's authority on the other hand is flawless. Yet, I see a huge correlation in the way we respond to god's authority in our lives as we do with human authority figures. We long for Him to guide us, and then get pissed off when He tries. There's a natural want for Him to lead us, and a natural human desire to do it our own way.
Learning about submission I think is the best remedy to allowing God, and people to lead you. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning about submission. It's hands down one of the hardest lessons I think I've ever had to learn. I'm definitely still learning, but the beginning was awful. I was a hot mess. You could have told me to go left and I would have gone right just because I wanted to irritate you. I fought everything. Slowly but surely though, I learned to trust the people around me. They had great Godly intentions and the things they were teaching me were biblically sound. By learning to trust them, I ultimately learned to trust God. I even got to see the flaw in their teaching. I say this as a good thing, because it further proves that God's authority is the only one that is flawless. People may fail you, but God doesn't. The biggest thing I learned was that by trying to do everything my own way pushes God out of the picture. It leaves no room for Him to do any work in my life. I used to get SO angry that God wasn't doing anything and was convinced that He wasn't even trying. But I was so busy trying to do everything the way I thought it needed to be done, I wasn't even looking for God. Like a good parent, God let me do things my own way and fail...but unlike a parent that doesn't care, He eventually stepped in to show me that I was doing things wrong and showed me the correct way. Failure isn't a bad thing, and God allows us to fail all the time. But He will step in when we ask for His help. I'm a pretty prideful person, so asking for help isn't really in my nature. I usually only ask when I feel like I want to murder someone. The good news is that God is right there, ready to tell me how to do it. Submission kills pride. And it hurts. Learning to submit isn't easy, and usually painful. But learning submission has also allowed me to experience freedom. It's allowed me to learn to ask questions when I need help instead of getting so worked up I quit. I'm still learning to submit to human authority. I even fight God's authority too, but I'm definitely getting better. Right now I'm in place where I have to humble myself daily and submit to authority. It tests me to the limit sometimes. I fight it until I'm blue in the face, but eventually I get to a place where I know what they are saying is correct. A lot of the time I actually knew it all along, but my natural desire to do it my way sometimes outweighs submitting right away.
I don't think any of us are ever going to be in a place in life where we are beyond the point of needing to submit to authority. In a parent child relationship, in the work force, even out in every day life, we all have to listen to The Man. But past that, we are all also accountable to listening to what God has to say about things. As a Christian, it's my job to listen to what God says, but it's also my job to humble myself and listen to what those in charge of me have to say. I think in some ways, submission makes life easier. It takes the pressure off of the need to always be right. It allows room for failure, and it allows room for correction. Submission is a life long lesson, but I think it may be one of the most valuable lesson any one person will ever learn.
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